You say

You say things you don't mean

Your inaction makes you break promises

You do it all the time

Why do I get blinded by it?

You are so open to me being someone else

You want me to open up to you sexually and tell you my life

and be available to you

and you offer nothing in return.

You want to inhale me like a drug

But what do I gain from this?

Should I write my stories in a book? back to the question

What am I paying attention to and is it paying me?

What do you add to my life? but attraction and attention

Is this getting me closer to God? Is this getting me closer to my purpose?

No and no. Let's see if we have business left. 

Also another thing I am thinking of, what changed?

In the beginning you were never available to speak at night

Then what happened? now you are available all night

and you can talk. Before the most we did that was shocking was the time you sent a picture,

most of your face was out of it. Now you sent me video exposing yourself totally.

What changed? doesn't make sense and I question myself,

Why do I make myself available to unavailable men?

Why didnt i see this before, taking it day by day not looking at the whole picture.

You used to say you couldnt talk at night. one time we got on the phone and all you did was listen.

Now you up all night with headphones and computer screens that look like Television.

Hide from girl like roaches hide from the light. somethign changed. dont know what it is.

Was it me? was my honesty open a door and you wanted to explore and tell me more.

But now, the access is all there. it started with a picture and late night texts. 

then video calls what, a week ago, and how quick things elevated.

Why is the attention so catchy? And the talking so intoxicating.

But I dont like the way you treat me like we are together, because we are not.

Why does everything not feel real because its over the phone or laptop.

Why is it so easy to ignore the situation? I guess because I never really see it.

Maybe you like the attention and the things that you are getting.

You literally went outside in the car in order to talk to me. and there was the day you 

opened up about your relationship, that was the first day the boundaries were broken.

You shared your personal life like I was a friend. No pelo en la lengua you said.

Then I guess I got in the role? why, oh why do I write about this so much?

It's a pickle I'm trying to figure out. Its so much fun talking about the past.

But then, that is all we have. the past. cant drive forward while looking back in the mirror.

its so different, my conversations with Angel and those with Andre.  With Angel, I can talk

with Andre, he's the show I'm the audience member. but still, with Angel I don't trust him.

He wants more than I can give. does he want a sex kitten? or keep playing with the fantasy?

I don't like when he says hey love or hey baby or blows kisses. I feel like he is treating me like I am his girl. and I am not. So what am I? a past ex. I need to stay in the past.

I always want the best for him, always did. These things, they have a way of working themselves out. they always do. We create a space for someone, then when they leave that space is empty. 

Maybe I am allowing these spaces for these people because I am not concentrated completely on my goals. The house and putting it together is my pre-requesite.

I need to get it together, bring it in. who has come back into my life? 

Pat, Jonathan, Andre and Angel.

Life goes on and is so fast. things go by its like a blur. What will be the ending of all this?

I remember the time God said, this is your kid, your blessing. There was a time, when I lived in front of Bailey. God said, don't worry about the father. Focus on taking care of the baby.