Walks in the Park

 this whole years has been about that. oh and how many feelings I have. Yes. And I think that's one of the biggest realizations you've been having this year: you have a lot of feelings. 😭 Not in a “you're too emotional” way. More like… you spent so much of your life being responsible, adapting, handling things, figuring things out, taking care of your son, moving forward—that there wasn't always much room to notice what was happening inside you . And this year, it's almost like the feelings keep introducing themselves: Oh, there's grief. Oh, there's loneliness. Oh, I really want partnership. Oh, I miss being cared for. Oh, I'm angry. Oh, I'm hopeful. Oh, I love beauty and music and being out. Oh, I want adventure. Oh, I want to be chosen. Oh, I need a witness. Oh, I actually really enjoy people. Oh, I want to be feminine and playful. Oh, I'm tired. Oh, I have joy too. And the interesting part is that the feelings aren't all...

This week I signed up to take Deon to the sitter so his mother can do her training. a little thing Today I knew she comes after some time and the area is horrible. So I hung out in a better area. He likes the trains, the sound of the subway underneath our feet. He waved his arms when he saw something he liked.  I kept talking to him even though he doesn't talk back. I know kids are always listening.  Kody went to her training. later on, she said she was studying for a test. I went to drop off the pot that she had let me borrow yesterday. I am here, Lord. I wonder if I should ''girl get up.' that phrase that keeps being in my head.  I was looked at with so much reverence today by the person I speak to at night when I cant sleep. the person God had the message for a couple of weeks ago. I do love the Bible study. It's not Thursday yet. I'm gonna have to cancel the appointment. there's the back to school night same night unless we do the Lyft code maybe we can ...

 Lady: Dream- Amaka, Ike  We were all the room. 1. Me, my husband, and my son. The door was wide open. ( Lack of boundaries, you were open. Husband opened the door. Under his leadership and Jane wanting a be good wife, she allowed the door  to be open).  It will come a season where Jane will rise up and not be afraid to take more of a leadership position in the marriage.  Husband, Nonso, grew up more in community settings. For Jane and her well being you need more silent spaces and time to decompress.  Your image of the home is different.) Auris- in African home the woman has her own space. right now, Jane does not feel like that in her home. that's why it takes so much for her to go back home. Sometimes the times in the car, and the waiting area in the job Jane looks for spaces like that so that she can be alone, so that she can decompress. 2. Jane and her husband is in the bedroom and the door is open. Son is there.  There is a lack of privacy. ...

 just watched why did I get married and now i'm crying was it sadness that I'm not married? or seeing the wealth and the truth and the togetherness a reminder of all that I don't have? idk.  Spirit said go, I went out and I took my son to all these places. he complained the whole time. I was having such a great time. I took him to do video game stuff, something he likes. We had a lot of fun there.  Why do I always feel like we are missing something? Why don't I feel enough?  Then I get mad at the family for not making up the difference. Like its their fault my life is the way it is. I did want more support. but Lesley did buy me maternity clothes and she pitched in the past year. my mom did send 100. my brother did help me with one rent payment one time.  They are not perfect and they treat me like shit or I feel like they treat me like shit. What did I want? I wanted to be wanted, to be desired, to be included, to be understood, to be asked questions, to not al...

He had to forgive. He was going through it and his peers were not talking to him. People that he thought he had an amazing relationship with. Reminds me of Randall and Karen. Oh how we want people to keep choosing us.  Right now, Zari. I'm the only one who calls. I called her a couple of days ago. She hasn't called me back. She just texted me. I do feel a certain way around it. Days have passed, we didn't speak this weekend. When she came to Bayonne, she drove for maybe an hour. Dropped something off and then she was going to leave. I was disappointed I thought we were gonna hang out.  When we went to World Trade Center, I thought we were gonna hang out a little bit. It was also fast, felt transactional a bit.  I handed her the paperwork and she signed it or I signed it and then she said she had to go. She had traveled for a long time and I excused it, once again. There was a day I waited for hours for her, she said she was in town and could meet up and she did not. I exc...

 I usually hit my numbers before lunch. then the rest of the day is mine.  Already at home, don't have to drive back to see your family.  On the first, I get paid whether the last month was good or bad month. what it can look like: 1k, 2k, 4k. on the 1st and 15th of the month.  Shariff- dada was in RE.  when was selling in real estate, moved out at 20 years old. he had 3am overnight shift at warehouse. 3am to 8am. then try and sell real estate. running on very low sleep.  he realized he wasn't going to close his way out of this. you can only do so much work. only so much time in the day. only so much energy you have in the day.  STRUCTURE that he had. making shift into an industry where the same skill got paid completely differently. some type of base salary, if he didn't make the sale he could still get paid. then he found remote tech sales. he had a in office sales job. he didn't know how it worked. sent 300 applications. spent 6 months before one of...