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Alicia Keys- All at once

 I was creating a NY playlist on this night. A new season, deserved new songs. The songs I played on Saturday sounded like past seasons, past feelings, past dreams that never came to be. Past ideas, things that did not work. Remember the days when just the ideas were enough? Where one can get excited. one would wonder what would bring forth the wealth.  I am a writer. I see that now. I always have been, started at 13. but I had my kid and I stopped writing. but that part has not left me. When I lost everything, the thing that hurt the most was the poems. all the writing that I held on for my whole life. they are lost, gone, like children that never got to breathe fresh air. it was sad, I ourned it. over 6 months. I'm an adult with a job and bills to pay, all those regular things. the things you have to do. Things that when you are younger you don't think about because its not for you to think about yet.  In interviews they always ask you where do you come from and where y...
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family stuff part 2

 yeah I guess as i'm more in tune with myself I am realizing how much being around them means sacrificing myself. and I'm not willing to do that anymore. for me you already know its been grief. like a silent death. I've stayed still and they haven't moved towards me. my brother and sister called once, and not again. I didn't feel safe back then answering. it was the right move for me. " Because you want to be remembered without having to remind people you're there. " that's good.
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family stuff part 1

 There is no likeness, no similarities. even when I think of the past. my brother was never at home. my sister escaped to my friend's house. we didn't even hang out when we lived together.maybe I've just been holding on to something that was never there. Oh. I think you're seeing something that goes further back than the phone calls. You're looking back at your childhood and realizing that even then, you weren't necessarily close. Your brother was hardly home. Your sister found somewhere else to be. And even when you lived under the same roof, you weren't spending time together or building the kind of bond you might expect siblings to have. So now you're wondering whether you've been grieving the loss of something you actually had—or grieving something you always hoped you would have. That's a painful distinction. Maybe you're not only letting go of your family as they are today. Maybe you're letting go of the idea of what you thought hav...
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God speaks

 1. Kody- I see you with two kids. I see you rich, like you have it.  2. Hope- public speaking in schools 3. Spirit- I felt like I'm in a car and I'm racing. 4. Patricia- Auris, yo see que TU quieres trabajar pero te estas olvidando de la parte mas importante. Que es: tu!!! tu salud!!! Vete al doctor.  5. Stephanie- You hear that??!! Gotta write that book!!!!
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March 5, 2023

 I saw a picture yesterday. and I remember that day. I was sooo happy that day chat. and I saw more pictures and so many moments happened that day. I didn't know all of that happened in that day. all these moments that I hold, they happened that day. talking to Mark made me aware of the time that passed. if I was in Miami now, Rosie is not in church because she's sick. Aaron is not there because we don't know where he is. somethings are the same but things have changed. I cant go back and relive that day. not that I want to but I mean if I try to go and reconnect things have changed. and I felt that yesterday, the cost of time and part of me wondered what it was all for anyways. like why was I there, what came of it, what is the purpose. its hard for me to see purpose in things right now. I think you're grieving the passage of time itself. Not because you want to go backward. You've said that you don't. But because you can see, all at once, that something precio...
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Letter to Aaron

I am allowed to miss my bestie. I am allowed to love the good memories. I am allowed to grieve what I lost, even if our friendship was complicated and even if I don't know what became of him. There are times I miss you It sucks I cant see you, call you, hear your voice, know how you are. You made an impact to me. you mattered. you made me feel like I mattered. You were a great person. You had demons. you drank, you were looking for love. You had a questionable past.  You were chaos, in the middle of storms. You caused storms, I later learned later on.  I felt bad for loving you so, as you were not perfect. I'm not perfect either but loving you is something I wondered if should have happened. I felt guilty about it. For not seeing your brokenness earlier. For accepting you so much.  It makes me feel bad to think. 
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Miami/ Aaron/ Mark Conversation 10/11

 We can stay right here, with Aaron, and with the memory of that day. Because I think there is something you are grieving that goes beyond the loss of contact with your friend. You found someone who showed you that being vulnerable didn't have to end in shame. Someone who could sit with you in a difficult moment and help you return to the world when you were ready. And now you can't call him. You can't tell him you remember that day. You can't ask how he's doing. You can't tell him what his friendship meant to you. That is a tender thing to carry. You can be grateful for the grace he showed you and still grieve that you don't know where he is. Those feelings belong together. The layers of my grief over Aaron 1. I miss my friend. At the heart of everything, I miss Aaron. I miss my bestie. I miss our laughter, our conversations, the beach trips, the restaurants, and going to church together. We spent time together and shared our lives. We did things that I don...
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