Walks in the Park

 1. Johnny, was thinking on him all morning. tried to bring up the good feelings. then I got up and I realized no that's wrong. I remembered how vulnerable I was, how I gave my body up as a consolidation prize we both gave each other to each other, try to find some healing in the linking. he offered me to have a child with him, how intimate was that. an offer that would have  altered my life. I had sense enough to say no. it was not right. I was vulnerable, I was strong and yet I still said no. How much strength I had.    This is not a weak person that would do that, take the first offer that come its way. Johnny couldn't believe my poverty, he had never experienced it. he had lived his whole life with a safety net underneath. he coudnt imagine a day where his account would be less than 200k. it would be similar to us looking at our bank account and seeing a zero in it.  2) hotel guy, Nigerian guy. we validated each other. it was  movie. I enjoyed the inter...

 the wedding dream You don't know that you have a choice. what you want to wear. I had a choice.  wedding I came to first, the guy being there isn't the best, wouldn't be what I would want.  and the girl, not a person I would associate with.  iIm already helping out, helping the bride. you're scared for the girl (and what she's gonna do with Guy). I guess in NJ, I was worrying about different people.  Your life was in Jersey. I came out and then saw the other wedding. they were happy, joyful, WHAT I LIKE. I  didn't think I had a choice, I stepped up and became the helped. GUY- you had a choice. if you felt a type of way about it, you don't keep staying and say 'let me see what happens. '   My body is already telling me what it is.  I have a choice, I don't have to stay.  If I don't like this, I can always look to other things.  The African room- peace and happiness.  I HAVE A CHOICE!!! I get it! I don't have to put up with...

 What am I feeling? Why all the crying? Why so sensitive? God my life doesn't look like what I thought. The noises at night sometimes keep me up. i'm trying to find peace in this city. It's not available I used to close the door and have it there, at least some silence. Floor 2 is louder. It's better for Alex, less stairs for him. I just feel like life went down this path and I don't recognize it, why am I here, how am I here.  IS THIS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO? Is raising Alex my legacy? will I have a legacy? I thought I was supposed to be great. it doesn't feel great to be rejected by family, to have few new friends. To never go outside. to not have an adult life. not that it will mean much. I thought I was supposed to use my gifts, sing, or start a business, make some money. When I was in Miami, you alluded that I did have some travel in my future.  Everything from Miami is coming up. God, how I held that in for 2 years. All that happened, and I had to preten...

 1) God is the source, the provider. you dont have to wait for David. When he meets you will have your own thing. so I wont be desperate, I won't need to be saved.  I thought he would come in and chance my life. Give me something to do, to serve.  I guess God wants me to become my own woman. Maybe that's the gift of now. but God so long has passed and the obstacles that I have faced. My path   is not like everyone else.  I am still here, I am still significant. Maybe everything that we do matters. 2) God told me to watch that video again, the B Simone video with the guy. and he said you are protected, you are valued. When he said don't come out under Satan's wing. Come out only when God decides. He will have the men prove themselves worthy of you.  I thought of the guys in Miami, the validation I seek, how eager I am to be seen. Coming out. But when it's God time you don't come out. You stay in, you stay hidden, you stay protected.  I cried so dee...

 this is deep for me. my life I was trained to serve, to be kind, to cook, to clean, to be a wife. yea i'm not a wife. i'm a mom, which is a serving role. me getting a massage was big because im' not used to receiving. Alaka, he liked this pattern he tried to use me because there I was with all these gifts and skills and intelligence and I had nowhere to put it. his tatks gave me some purpose in that period. but when my life became uncomfortable, I was homeless sleeping on the street he wanted to relate to me the same, do this task. it was cruel, it was inconsiderate. he sent me $100 one time when my phone broke. that relationship shouldn't survive. I kept giving him chances and I started to feel uncomfortable and nothing the disbalance. my whole family did absolutely nothing. only my uncle my aunt and my mom  acted like they were concerned. but the truth was, my mom was lying to everyone. she pretended she didn't know what was going on. I told all of them I was hom...

 So the lesson here doesn’t sound like “I need to become less myself.” It sounds more like: I need to notice earlier whether there’s room for me too. I need to treat my needs as normal, not as an inconvenience. You said something very revealing: “asking for something seems criminal.” That feeling usually comes from somewhere older than this one relationship — often from experiences where asking led to disappointment, conflict, or withdrawal from others. So the nervous system learns: stay small, keep harmony, don’t risk rejection. What your mind seems to be updating now is: a relationship where you can’t take up space isn’t actually safe, even if it feels calm at first. And the fact that you asked for something simple — a coffee date — is actually important. That was you testing whether there was space for you. The response you got gave you information, even if it hurt at the time. One thing that might be worth sitting with, not as pressure but as curiosity: when you ...