Walks in the Park

 just watched why did I get married and now i'm crying was it sadness that I'm not married? or seeing the wealth and the truth and the togetherness a reminder of all that I don't have? idk.  spirit said go, I went out and I took my son to all these places. he complained the whole time. I was having such a great time. I took him to do video game stuff, something he likes. we had a lot of fun there.  why do I always feel like we are missing something? why don't I feel enough?  then I get mad at the family for not making up the difference. like its their fault my life is the way it is. I did want more support. but Lesley did buy me maternity clothes and she pitched in the past year. my mom did send 100. my brother did help me with one rent payment one time.  they are not perfect and they treat me like shit or I feel like they treat me like shit. what did I want? I wanted to be wanted, to be desired, to be included, to be understood, to be asked questions, to not al...

He had to forgive. He was going through it and his peers were not talking to him. People that he thought he had an amazing relationship with. Reminds me of Randall and Karen. Oh how we want people to keep choosing us.  Right now, Zari. I'm the only one who calls. I called her a couple of days ago. She hasn't called me back. She just texted me. I do feel a certain way around it. Days have passed, we didn't speak this weekend. When she came to Bayonne, she drove for maybe an hour. Dropped something off and then she was going to leave. I was disappointed I thought we were gonna hang out.  When we went to World Trade Center, I thought we were gonna hang out a little bit. It was also fast, felt transactional a bit.  I handed her the paperwork and she signed it or I signed it and then she said she had to go. She had traveled for a long time and I excused it, once again. There was a day I waited for hours for her, she said she was in town and could meet up and she did not. I exc...

 I usually hit my numbers before lunch. then the rest of the day is mine.  Already at home, don't have to drive back to see your family.  On the first, I get paid whether the last month was good or bad month. what it can look like: 1k, 2k, 4k. on the 1st and 15th of the month.  Shariff- dada was in RE.  when was selling in real estate, moved out at 20 years old. he had 3am overnight shift at warehouse. 3am to 8am. then try and sell real estate. running on very low sleep.  he realized he wasn't going to close his way out of this. you can only do so much work. only so much time in the day. only so much energy you have in the day.  STRUCTURE that he had. making shift into an industry where the same skill got paid completely differently. some type of base salary, if he didn't make the sale he could still get paid. then he found remote tech sales. he had a in office sales job. he didn't know how it worked. sent 300 applications. spent 6 months before one of...

What should I be doing right now with my life?  I don't feel lost I just feel like I should have it together and I do not.

 1. Lights about to be cut out 2. Erica- Ciara is going to have another baby. 3. Long story about sitting 2 dogs next door (conclusion?) Bri's it's an ongoing situation. 4. Story about the rocking chair being put away from the porch. IT''S TOO MUCH!!!!!! ././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././ >?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?>?

You don't have to arrive at some future version of yourself before you're worthy of love. You're already His. And I would change the story you're telling yourself. Instead of: “I'm the person who isn't loved or supported.” Try: “I'm a loved woman who is learning to stop looking for validation in places that have repeatedly failed to give it.” That's a completely different identity. You're not the abandoned one. You're the woman building a life. You're not the family disappointment. You're the woman still moving forward despite disappointment. You're not the woman nobody sees. You're the woman learning to see herself clearly. You're not powerless because you can't change your family. You're powerful because you can decide what their behavior means about them without allowing it to determine what it means about you. And maybe the goal isn't to get to a place where family stuff never bothers you. ...