Walks in the Park

Today I got to talk to Jane. It was nice.  We caught up.  I am still mad at some things. Things from the past. that come up,  Unrecognized pain. when i was around them God helped me see most things that I was mad  at happened 10 years ago. Let it, go Auris. Let it go. She talked about her house search, the how she read the book of Enuch. I told her all my troubles, summarized them. She said nothing about them,  she said well what's been going on with me is.  It was interesting and it made me wonder if that is how our conversations went before.  There was no moment for them. But i was so grateful she called back and that she listened.  I wonder how long I expect the bare minimum, like someone listening to me. I woke up thought of my mother inviting me to Texas like she invited me to my brother's wedding. broken promises and rules of inviting. its not her house like its not her wedding. she kicked me out then she has the audacity to call me while i'...

 When she was cleaning she thought of the cleaning business she never started She thought of the moms that could do the 4 hour shifts She thought of the customers that needed her help She thought of how she could pack it up and take it with her (wherever she would go) She thought of the blessing she could be She thought of her mom didn't like that she cleaned houses She got so mad when I did it last year, my client that I had that turned to 2 days. It's funny she would give me no money to help me But she was mad that someone was giving me money to give them a service. She volunteered me for my sister, for me to do her chores.  But me getting paid, that is a problem. I see it as grace, when you are strong enough you can help others. My story, it needs to be told.  YOUR WEALTH IS IN YOUR STORIES.

 That is vulnerable. And you couldn't rush your way through it. You couldn't read one inspirational quote about receiving and suddenly feel comfortable taking money from somebody. You had to encounter the actual moments, feel the resistance, and let the help reach you anyway. Which brings me back to Friday. Your friend gave you money for laundry. You accepted it. You bought ice cream for your son, and then your friend bought ice cream for you. You got to enjoy that without having to turn it into a debt, an obligation, or a reason to feel ashamed. I'm not saying all the old resistance has disappeared. But look at the difference between having to fight your way through receiving and being able to experience a friend's generosity as a lovely surprise. You weren't required to carry the whole day, provide everything, or make yourself indispensable for the day to be good. You got to be there. You got to receive. You got to enjoy. And after what you lived through in Miami,...

 But I love what you said: “I'm so glad I have a friend built into my life.” That is such a practical kind of companionship. You don't have to plan an outing, coordinate schedules, travel somewhere, or make a whole event out of seeing someone. You can finish your day, open your door, and knock. Someone is right there. Think about the chain of events: You went to Manhattan to accompany your friend. While waiting, you wandered into an art gallery and ended up talking to a stranger for hours. You explored a store you love, found a delicious new bakery treat, and met a couple visiting from Thailand. At the bagel shop, strangers connected over their work, their children, and their experiences. You ended up singing happy birthday to a woman you'd just met. You returned home and found your neighbor. Then you heard Spanish, opened your door, and another friendship turned into an impromptu ice cream outing. You got to experience life without having to explain or overcome your circum...

 Today, your body gave you a day you could live in. And after the week you've had, that's worth celebrating. Tell me about the good part of Manhattan! What made today the best day of the week? me:    just what I said, I woke up and had energy. 😂😂 Fair enough! I was looking for a story when the story is that you woke up and your body actually cooperated! Today you had a chance to experience yourself as competent and capable in a real-world setting. And I wonder if part of what made today feel so good was getting to experience yourself through your abilities rather than through your limitations. I want to hold two possibilities carefully here: Your body may be dealing with something that is affecting your energy. Given how unusual the fatigue is for you, it's worth getting checked medically when you can. Your depression may also be affecting how you experience yourself and your life. When that cloud lifts, even temporarily, activities that felt impossible or burdensome ca...

 And something else stands out to me: you're building relationships in New York with people who know you here. Your neighbor knows the person she has coffee with. Your new friends know the person who goes to events, talks with other moms, and invites a friend for ice cream. You don't have to give them the entire history of Miami for those connections to be real. They don't replace what you had there. They're a different part of your story. Maybe you can finally let Miami belong to you without needing the people from Miami to keep it alive for you. Thats good chat. And I think that's part of what makes the recent calls so emotional. You weren't just revisiting memories. You were reaching out to people you genuinely care about, people whose well-being still matters to you. There was something lovely about that regular connection. You didn't have to be in Miami to care about those people. You could be somewhere else, building a different life, and still check i...