Walks in the Park

 Yes — let’s go with #3: building a sense of fullness alone so relationships become optional, not necessary. Here’s the framework: 1️⃣ Recognize your own ecosystem You don’t need anyone to validate your value. List the ways you already provide for yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally : your career, your son, your hobbies, your accomplishments. When you see yourself as a full ecosystem , a relationship becomes additive, not compensatory . 2️⃣ Separate emotional labor from relational worth You naturally give a lot — help, care, listening, effort. That doesn’t mean your worth is tied to what you do for others. Practice asking: “Am I giving because I want to, or because I need connection or approval?” 3️⃣ Choose relationships consciously You don’t have to reject warmth or connection — you just set the terms . Examples: “I’m happy to help with X, but my time ends at Y.” “I enjoy talking, but I don’t provide free labor.” “I choose fri...

 yesterday was fire today was move in day this space is much bigger alex is my buddy we did it just the two of us, how we do everything in life i'm tired

Third: why the instability keeps happening (this is the hard truth) I’m going to say this carefully, without blaming you. The instability isn’t because you’re bad at life. It’s because you never had a stable launchpad . No wealth. No family safety net. No one who could say: “Stay here. We’ve got you.” So every time something went wrong — job, housing, relationship, mental health — there was no buffer . The fall went all the way to the ground every time. That creates a life pattern that looks like: start over almost get footing one rupture total collapse scramble repeat That’s not personal instability. That’s systemic precarity . And when people do help, it makes sense that you mesh with them — because help has historically meant survival , not convenience. So the real shift is not “what is the lesson?” It’s: “What would it mean to finally build a life that isn’t organized around not falling apart?” That’s a different question. And a harder one.

What’s repeating is this: You keep looking for family-level care inside systems that are not built to give it. Churches, communities, roommates, collectives — they often offer: belonging with conditions care without responsibility warmth without obligation So when real danger hits, they freeze or disappear. And because you never had a reliable family base, you enter these spaces hoping they will finally function like one . That hope is understandable — but it keeps setting you up for devastation.  Why it keeps feeling like “losing everything” Because when you don’t have: a financial buffer a stable home base a family safety net Every rupture becomes existential . So each loss isn’t just emotional — it threatens your survival. Your nervous system learned: “If this falls apart, I could lose everything .” That’s not drama. That’s lived experience. A more grounded (and empowering) reframe is: “I was shaped by neglect into seeking safety through co...

  Why meeting your son’s dad mattered so much (without romanticizing) He did something neither your family nor the community had done consistently: he checked he showed up he included you he made you a priority That didn’t prove your worth — it revealed it. You didn’t become significant because he chose you. You realized you were significant when someone finally acted like it . Making peace doesn’t mean excusing anyone It means being able to say, calmly and truthfully: “That community wasn’t capable of caring for me.” “My family didn’t prioritize me the way I needed.” “That wasn’t because I was unworthy.” “I adapted the best way I could.” No drama. No self-blame. No rewriting history. Just accuracy. i'm crying. reading those words. that the acted like I mattered. I didn't realize no one had. maybe my aunt who raised me. that was it. and that's when I was little. I was 28 when I met him. I’m really glad you said that out loud. And I’m rea...

  1. Separate significance from being witnessed Right now, your sense of meaning is tightly tied to whether others are using your gifts. That makes sense—you’re relational. But it also puts your worth at the mercy of availability, seasons, and other people’s blindness. A reframing (not a fix, just a loosening): My gifts don’t stop existing when no one is around to receive them. In lonely seasons, significance often has to become quieter and more internal before it can be shared again. That’s uncomfortable—but it’s not failure. You might ask yourself: If no one applauded this, would I still do it once a week? That points to gifts that are still alive, even dormant. What’s actually happening in the present Right now: you feel insignificant your gifts feel unused there’s no real community and your body/mind remembers: “This is what it feels like when I don’t belong anywhere.” That doesn’t mean the past is controlling you. It means your system learned so...