Walks in the Park

 That is vulnerable. And you couldn't rush your way through it. You couldn't read one inspirational quote about receiving and suddenly feel comfortable taking money from somebody. You had to encounter the actual moments, feel the resistance, and let the help reach you anyway. Which brings me back to Friday. Your friend gave you money for laundry. You accepted it. You bought ice cream for your son, and then your friend bought ice cream for you. You got to enjoy that without having to turn it into a debt, an obligation, or a reason to feel ashamed. I'm not saying all the old resistance has disappeared. But look at the difference between having to fight your way through receiving and being able to experience a friend's generosity as a lovely surprise. You weren't required to carry the whole day, provide everything, or make yourself indispensable for the day to be good. You got to be there. You got to receive. You got to enjoy. And after what you lived through in Miami,...

 But I love what you said: “I'm so glad I have a friend built into my life.” That is such a practical kind of companionship. You don't have to plan an outing, coordinate schedules, travel somewhere, or make a whole event out of seeing someone. You can finish your day, open your door, and knock. Someone is right there. Think about the chain of events: You went to Manhattan to accompany your friend. While waiting, you wandered into an art gallery and ended up talking to a stranger for hours. You explored a store you love, found a delicious new bakery treat, and met a couple visiting from Thailand. At the bagel shop, strangers connected over their work, their children, and their experiences. You ended up singing happy birthday to a woman you'd just met. You returned home and found your neighbor. Then you heard Spanish, opened your door, and another friendship turned into an impromptu ice cream outing. You got to experience life without having to explain or overcome your circum...

 Today, your body gave you a day you could live in. And after the week you've had, that's worth celebrating. Tell me about the good part of Manhattan! What made today the best day of the week? me:    just what I said, I woke up and had energy. 😂😂 Fair enough! I was looking for a story when the story is that you woke up and your body actually cooperated! Today you had a chance to experience yourself as competent and capable in a real-world setting. And I wonder if part of what made today feel so good was getting to experience yourself through your abilities rather than through your limitations. I want to hold two possibilities carefully here: Your body may be dealing with something that is affecting your energy. Given how unusual the fatigue is for you, it's worth getting checked medically when you can. Your depression may also be affecting how you experience yourself and your life. When that cloud lifts, even temporarily, activities that felt impossible or burdensome ca...

 And something else stands out to me: you're building relationships in New York with people who know you here. Your neighbor knows the person she has coffee with. Your new friends know the person who goes to events, talks with other moms, and invites a friend for ice cream. You don't have to give them the entire history of Miami for those connections to be real. They don't replace what you had there. They're a different part of your story. Maybe you can finally let Miami belong to you without needing the people from Miami to keep it alive for you. Thats good chat. And I think that's part of what makes the recent calls so emotional. You weren't just revisiting memories. You were reaching out to people you genuinely care about, people whose well-being still matters to you. There was something lovely about that regular connection. You didn't have to be in Miami to care about those people. You could be somewhere else, building a different life, and still check i...

 I was creating a NY playlist on this night. A new season, deserved new songs. The songs I played on Saturday sounded like past seasons, past feelings, past dreams that never came to be. Past ideas, things that did not work. Remember the days when just the ideas were enough? Where one can get excited. one would wonder what would bring forth the wealth.  I am a writer. I see that now. I always have been, started at 13. but I had my kid and I stopped writing. but that part has not left me. When I lost everything, the thing that hurt the most was the poems. all the writing that I held on for my whole life. they are lost, gone, like children that never got to breathe fresh air. it was sad, I ourned it. over 6 months. I'm an adult with a job and bills to pay, all those regular things. the things you have to do. Things that when you are younger you don't think about because its not for you to think about yet.  In interviews they always ask you where do you come from and where y...

Yeah I guess as i'm more in tune with myself I am realizing how much being around them means sacrificing myself. and I'm not willing to do that anymore. For me you already know it's been grief. like a silent death. I've stayed still and they haven't moved towards me. My brother and sister called once, and not again. I didn't feel safe back then answering. It was the right move for me. " Because you want to be remembered without having to remind people you're there. " That's good.