memories- This isn't so bad!

 1. Johnny, was thinking on him all morning.


tried to bring up the good feelings.


then I got up and I realized no that's wrong.


I remembered how vulnerable I was, how I gave my body up as a consolidation prize


we both gave each other to each other, try to find some healing in the linking.


he offered me to have a child with him, how intimate was that. an offer that would have 

altered my life. I had sense enough to say no. it was not right. I was vulnerable, I was strong and yet I still

said no. How much strength I had.   


This is not a weak person that would do that, take the first offer that come its way.


Johnny couldn't believe my poverty, he had never experienced it. he had lived his whole life with a safety net underneath. he coudnt imagine a day where his account would be less than 200k. it would be similar to us looking at our bank account and seeing a zero in it. 


2) hotel guy, Nigerian guy. we validated each other. it was  movie. I enjoyed the interaction. god wants me to be honest about that. I wanted to feel protected. I made the men part of my healing, like a healing balm. but they are not God, therefore they could only fill the ache temporarily. 


My shame comes from these connections did not turn into forever. they are not in my life. they didn't care, they didn't call, they didn't follow up. they were able to be there for me for a day and just keep going with their lives with no care or concern about me. this is what breaks my heart. 

After years of living alone and solo inside, church and home and taking care of my son. I rediscovered myself as a woman in Miami, for sure. I was by myself. it felt weird to walk by myself. i'm so used to my life being a reaction to my son. like becoming what he he needs and putting his needs on top of mine. sometimes to my detriment. I  would love to go outside or be around adults at night, its something Ive wanted for years. I got to do that. but I was not protected. I didn't keep me to myself.


3. the DJ, he just offered help. I was vulnerable in a moment. I didn't know what to do. even though I had a sweater and wasn't dressed for the club I guess I am attractive enough that I was a pull. I discovered that I was attractive, that people wanted me. I was shocked. I do not see myself that way. 


Anywho I went to the club because I had given up on sleep. I said let me try and stay up all night. on this night, I wonder what led to that. maybe I was exhausted from looking. or I wonder this moment was after the other moment where i slept on some patio chairs. and this guy walked up to me and offered sex. I was disgusted. i wonder if that was this moment. 

maybe that moment did happen. because I was tired of looking for spots. but anyhow I walked into the club. DJ walked up to me. he had a break, went down from the booth. he asked me something and I was so tired. I never told people what was going on. I was honest this time. 





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