I meet myself

 Today was it planned? school drop off then Trader Joe's. i thought it was my choice. then while i was there i saw the calendar say to go to Trader Joe's at this time. it meant i had planned it the day before.  

It wasn't random.   but i got up, did school drop off. didnt get up in time to do egg sandwich. i got up late and Alex said he had made himself Nutella sandwich. benefit of the prior day's food shopping.  he had something he could fix himself. guess that's a win. i dont like that for breakfast. but i was so tired.

then the Trader Joe's. Then i come in, have meeting with case worker. it should have been short but she was talking and talking and it turned into a long convo and i wanted to end it and didn't and then i finally said i have to go soon and she said, yes okay we're just here talking. 

i take bus, thought was get those things you wrote down in A-list. get him at Harlem Discount. What was so important?  (shaving stuff, hair ties, measuring cup for pancakes). i found the pan that allows me to make 4 pancakes at a time. i got a pot that i can make just sauce or beans or heat up water for tea. 

It brought up emotions for me. getting things when living in a temporary place, it bought up feelings of starting over. i had money but i have thoughts of not enough. i know i had enough but the thought was, what if i get this stuff and then lose it? i was buying things months earlier i literally had to throw away. 

I decided to bet on myself, and spent $50. when i was at the register, the other part of the refund came. it was almost like life said, there is enough, child. Go ahead. 

YOU DESERVE LOVE, AURIS. YOU DESERVE LAUGHS. IT'S OKAY, YOU DESERVE IT. 

YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS.

Today when I was walking, hope came. the dream Jane had, about a guy that I'm gonna have. a boyfriend i guess, and the feeling was that I felt safe. now that i'm typing this i remember Jenny. she had a dream about a guy too. she said i was giggly and i was sitting in his lap. it was that then the lion thing from Vegas was there ( a core memory of mine), and then there was the scene change to the thing about meeting David. 

IT SOUNDS SO GOOD TO BE TRUE. today i was walking and felt that hope. i guess of feeling love or meeting someone and being treated nice. Just nice, like back in my 20s. I met people in my real life. 

I was walking thinking of how limited my life is. how if i had to find a job i wanted one around here so that i can get my son everyday.  even if i have an hour before i might pick him up, i cant settle, knowing alex might call this week he wanted to come home and i didnt mind it. i was on high alert. and i thoguth of how much of my life i want to take care of others. i and my responsabilities its hard for me to imagine space in my life for myself. to carve out time for a career, all of that. 

)))))))

Happy break, when I went to Harlem Discount I went to take myself out to eat.  I had so much fun. Took me so much time to order. My body really wanted water, and i got cofffe then i thoguht, i was so in tune.

Body wants water and cantelope. i eventually got canteloupe later on. i had no idea at that time i had my period i think. or maybe i did. oh i did, because i wanted to come back since there was no bathroom.

I really didnt want to get a big knife, Lord. I did not. I am scared of having something so big. 

The meeting with case worker went so well. no need to change schedule yet. but it all depends on the EBT meeting now that i think about it. 

YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE. CYBERSECURITY CAREER OR NOT< YOU ARE VALUABLE IN AND OUT OF YOURSELF< AURIS> you just didnt know it. you gave yoruself away to these guys, you didnt know your value. you were waiting on them to make you feel valuable.