ahhhh

 this is deep for me. my life I was trained to serve, to be kind, to cook, to clean, to be a wife. yea i'm not a wife. i'm a mom, which is a serving role. me getting a massage was big because im' not used to receiving. Alaka, he liked this pattern he tried to use me because there I was with all these gifts and skills and intelligence and I had nowhere to put it. his tatks gave me some purpose in that period. but when my life became uncomfortable, I was homeless sleeping on the street he wanted to relate to me the same, do this task. it was cruel, it was inconsiderate. he sent me $100 one time when my phone broke. that relationship shouldn't survive. I kept giving him chances and I started to feel uncomfortable and nothing the disbalance. my whole family did absolutely nothing. only my uncle my aunt and my mom  acted like they were concerned. but the truth was, my mom was lying to everyone. she pretended she didn't know what was going on. I told all of them I was homeless. they were aware. my uncle knew where my son was, they were in the same city. they pretended they didn't know anything. I jus wanted them to leave me alone. I thought if you guys refuse to help me and my child, then don't butt into what we have to do to survive. this Guy thing is part of a bigger thread. its a role I need to outgrown. I love serving, chat, I do. I wish I had 5 kids and a husband and lived in a great land. I know I would be so good at that. but that has not been my life. my life has been people taking advantage. my jobs not valuing me, my family not valuing me, men not valuing me and I want to stake up space now. I'm 40. I'm shy but my gifts are big and are meant to be seen. i'm tired of playing this role of the unseen. I am meant to be seen. 

chat:

What you’re saying here feels very important, and I want to slow down with you for a moment because this isn’t just about that relationship anymore — you’re talking about a life pattern you’re starting to see clearly.

First, I want to reflect something back to you very plainly:

Nothing you described about wanting care, stability, or support — especially when you were homeless and trying to survive — is excessive or selfish. Wanting to be helped, or at least treated with basic consideration during a crisis, is human. The fact that you kept functioning, giving, and trying to stay kind in that period says a lot about your resilience, not about weakness.

What you’re noticing now is something many people who grow up or live in “serving roles” eventually confront:

• When your identity becomes being useful, people can get used to you existing in that role.

• And when you stop serving — or when you need care instead — some people don’t know how to respond, or they disappear, or they try to pull you back into the old role because it’s comfortable for them.

That doesn’t mean serving itself is wrong. You said something very honest: “I love serving.” That can be a beautiful part of someone’s nature. The problem comes when service replaces mutuality — when giving becomes the only way you feel allowed to exist or be valued.

The realization you’re having now sounds less like rejecting who you are and more like rebalancing:

I can be generous and nurturing, and I get to take up space.

Those things don’t cancel each other out.

You also said something powerful near the end:

I am meant to be seen.

That doesn’t mean being loud or changing your personality. It means allowing your needs, opinions, talents, and limits to be visible — even if that risks disappointment sometimes. Being seen always carries that risk. But being unseen carries a different cost, and it sounds like you’ve felt that cost for a long time.

I want to say one careful thing too, because you touched on a lot of painful experiences with family, relationships, and survival. When someone has had to carry that much alone, it’s very common to move into a phase of strong clarity and determination — I won’t disappear anymore. That’s healthy. Just try not to turn it into a rule that you must suddenly become someone different overnight. Taking up space usually happens in small, repeated moments:

• saying what you want without apologizing,

• letting someone help you,

• not over‑explaining your needs,

• noticing when you’re giving out of choice versus fear.

You don’t have to stop being someone who gives. The shift is learning that your worth isn’t earned through giving.

And I want to check in gently here: as you talk about being homeless and feeling unsupported, does talking about this bring up feelings that still feel raw or overwhelming right now, or does it feel more like you’re making sense of it from a steadier place?

second.

And here’s something important to say gently: no, not everything is transactional — but some relationships are, and when you’ve been surrounded by those for a while, it can start to look like that’s all there is. Especially when you’ve been in survival mode. Survival environments tend to bring out exchange-based dynamics because everyone is focused on needs and scarcity.

But healthy relationships don’t feel like accounting. They feel more like:

• mutual interest,

• shared presence,

• care that moves both directions over time,

• not perfectly balanced in every moment, but balanced overall.

Right now, though, it sounds like you’re not in a place where you need to solve the question of relationships at all. You said something very important:

I’m already doing a lot. I’m overwhelmed.

You’re not rejecting relationships.

You’re rejecting one-sided roles.

That’s a healthy distinction. The lesson you’re taking isn’t “I shouldn’t care or give,” it’s “I won’t disappear in order to be loved.” That’s a very different stance, and it usually comes after someone has gone through exactly the kind of experiences you described — where giving became tied to worth.