It is safe for me to love

 It is safe for me to feel

It is safe for me to love

I have not felt safe to do none of these things

Feel too much, get sent to mental hospital

mom why did you send me there?

so traumatizing for life to stop

no more family, no school, no friends

Why?

love, Andre and Angel. Ryan, where you at?

at the time it was devastating, but after time passed it doesn't mean much

I don't understand but that is what it is

It is safe for me to relax, no it was this whole thing

of you must work, work, work until the bone

the way mom taught me. it is never okay to sit down.

Why do I have that belief?

and why I feel so guilty about not working when I see Ms Pauline working

she's old and driving and wakes up early and does real estate and plans her events

I'm so many years younger and don't have the schedule she has

Yes, I know when I lived up north I had a schedule way more packed than that. 

It is safe, It is safe

I hear these words and my brain is telling me all the reasons why 

that is not true.

the rich lady tonight said she had all the money in the world, but she had no family.

If she dies, no one to give it to. It was amazing and mockingly cruel at the same time.

We all need something, money isn't everything. That was the lesson.

and the show shows how relationships are, what we get from people. It has nothing to do with money.

It has to do with emotions and having compassion and care for the person that you are with. 

I never knew what that was.  Ryan, he wanted to give me money one time for going to Six Flags with the family. I couldn't accept it, I was so prideful.

I didn't know how to receive. and the way he loved, I didn't feel loved. But I kept chasing him, wanting him to give me something to end my brokenness.

Same with Andre, I told him to leave. But he wouldn't leave. I kept trying to leave, and he wouldn't accept it.

So weird. Angel, it was different. It just was. I never wanted him to leave, I was falling apart when we met. He had to be my everything.   I was doing the OG business. Was I working? No, it was summer so no work yet. But socially, I felt like all the people around me didn't care about me. 

And he was there, when no one else was. that's why I latched on. I would feel so lonely  and a super wild aching of loneliness when I was alone. I did like walking and reading and working and going to church. but the worries of how to make it took over my mental capacities. 

I want to feel safe for me to love.

I deserve to be treated well.

I deserve to be able to feel, and to be safe.