I talk to you Part II

 I think all these things have to do with love.

Who am I receiving love from?

When I'm empty where do I search it out?

I thought it would be in romance, in another man

All the songs said? I was sold the get married early tale

It was part of all of it

Something I have to come to terms with. Auris, you are a writer always were, always will be.

Why is it coming back? It never left, you finally have time, a laptop. 

While my son sleeps this part of me is now able to go into another room and write.

The worst time? for me? Was when I was in that studio, back in Bayonne, the place I left and I never wanted to come back.

And why? a pregnancy. God told me not to date. then right after the year, I go right back to my old habits. Always search out men to fill out this empty space. Right now I really want to talk to Angel.

Why? What would I say? Hey, are you able to talk? Are you mad at me yet?

Should I act like myself? Should I act like he's forgiven? 

How do you treat someone that has mistreated you? With my mom, I just left. I had to go.

I know the more I stayed the more she would think she could act however she wanted to act and by me staying, it was saying it was okay. It was toxic.

I am your child that you have never loved. and now you want to treat me like your slave, your personal, free all time 24 hour worker. 

I am ready to release the past. I am releasing the past now. Angel how I loved you, and you didn't know how bright the flame was. The more write the more I see how none of it makes sense.

But the times we were together they mattered so much to me, scattered, we had our moments. And I don't know what it was about you that made me latch on, leave everyone else in the dust. 

I am releasing the resentment, the anger, but it is all still there. I really want to talk to you. I wonder if you are up. I wonder if it's a good idea. I am so impulsive for real.

What is my purpose? Auris, are you so wrapped in your purpose that you have no time for this?

I feel like I have to let go. I talked to Marvin today, we didn't discuss our fallout. We just talked.

What would I say? Hey, this is what happened to me. Life was really hard. Part of talking to you is that you are linked to my past and I thought I had forgiven myself and buried it but you bring it all back. and yeah, there were good times but most of it was bad times. A lot of walking, a lot of figuring it out.