Today

 Today I reached happiness

I walked out of work and walked

Just walked for lunch break

didnt feel pressure to eat.

Ate after work, a dinner of drunk noodle

Parts of my life that need to be organized: what to eat, weight to lose.

I have moved to a new place that offers so many things: gym in front (cant quite afford yet)

and bakeries and walk to school even though we did it only once on Monday now my son is off for a week.

I'm draggin my feet into this job for bank, cannot imagine myself doing that.

I also keep saying I applied for housing when I didnt. I think i find it easier to lie than to tell the truth:

my dreams are way way bigger than this town. I rather not even do it. I cannot, for the life of me, can picture me living there in a place that makes me feel so horrible.

Like the time i did laundry in 17th street. the place was attached to all these bad memories.

I took Kenny on a drive yesterday, he was driving I was directing.

All the spots I like, which basically are parks and nature and being by the water

and laying on sidewalks

I remember years ago the July 4th went by Dom's and we ended up in Atlantic City

How random and how perfect that day was,

I never saw those people again.

I slept 4 hours last night and I was so exhausted at 7pm after work. came home, gave the $400.

Was waiting for Alex to get home.

Alaka, after all those years wishing we spent itme together 

that car ride was horrible. the whole thing was horrible.

he kept directing a grown person that does not need directing.

I am over it. this is me. I am loud. only person in my life says to constantly quiet down.

and dont point, and dont ask that question this way. made me how we made it all this time to be friends

but to be honest i have been having quarrels for our friendship for a long time

even in dubai, friendships are fickle. girls have boyfriends that turned to husbands and kids and 

businessess and still are so mean to each other. i get they need something to talk about

but its silly and basic at its core.

the whole victim woman this guy yelled at me. and person that yells the loudest get the 

perspective heard is bull.

my son went to cesars. they did ice skating. i keep missing moments i'm always at work.

and when i'm not at work i do dishes or am alone at the cafe. i'm already getting tired of it.

I stay because of the people. i am getting close to the wife, but honestly i thought i was close to the girl originally because she was the only person i got to speak to.

right now i called like 3 people from miami, could not get one of them on the phone.

Earlier, I did get to talk to Shar so that was nice. I like the stuff that is opening up for her in her life. 

She is very kind and compassionate about what's going on with me as well. she spoke to me really good when i was super miserable with family and how i live. 

its 11pm and i dissatisfied again. I had a kiss with a guy yesterday and stayed up until 3am. mad random.

i wish i had someone that cares. cares about me. shows up for me if i get sick. i want other people to do this but they do not have time or care. i am not in the TOP 5. people that one can overall connect and give care to.

i wanted to motivational speak. i thought of so many careers while i was in Jesup. careers that did not even exist there. south is great for people that already have money. and everyone stays to themselves. 

its weird to be alone and have no one to call. God keeps telling me to call on him. the lonileness in my soul follows me.

What will fill it up?

Jenny I feel is distant. I was the only one that called most of the time for support in NJ and all its wonderings. my musings have gotten short. she makes herself small, never nothing to share. always a wall lately. i'm always afraid i'm too much. so i dont call much. give space. dont want Jane to happen again.

but these are things I keep to myself. I like positive people and people who smile and overall have a zest for life. Its hard for me to be around people that have all I want and cannot seem to make materialize in my own life.

its like hey if i gotta live ina. dump with a bucket then dont have me visit your castle. comparision is the thief of joy they say.

i liked ms maisel because they hustled everyday. they worked hard, got better at comedy. they kept going. you get the hustle. they fast foward to the profits and the reward and, Kathy she finally made it.

Made enough money to have wealth and big ceilings and all the things.

Once my son turned to me and said, mom I want all the things. I asked him what he wanted out of life. 

We set a car to get by 16, a career and does he want family? how many kids?

I randomly think of movie clips and it makes me want to watch them.

Like right now i think of the dada in the movie about the girl. She got visited by the mafia. no one was there for protect her. he hurt her. dad was upset, that shouldn't have happened.

I used to be mad i was in college by myself. no house with a dad that can talk to boys. i had mom in a town that was far. and a brother in the same college that was never around. 

life i felt is something i had to do by myself. and family is there to make me feel like shit about all the things that do not work out.

i am resilient, resourceful, ambitious, a dreamer.

Jane wrote me a letter. the way she saw me. it was water in the middle of a desert. 

being around my family after my sons' birth shattered my self esteem in so many places. the abandonment of Angel. the truth of the my reality was like a bad tale I never wanted to tell. the heartbreak, oh the heartbreak. 

people that ask questions like your life is gossip. answering questions that i do not feel comfortable answering. the compassion I desire for me that never comes.

People attacking me but never doing absolutely nothing to help. People contantly relying on me to do everything (mom who thinks having girls means giving birth to maids).

I see all these things, feel all these things and sometimes want to scream.

I desire to be free. have money, be able to travel, be able to leave. 

i saw a post of a girl that said i will do trucking just so that i can leave my family. yes put me in a truck. that's how many people signed up to the army. they were leaving abusive homes.

another movie in my mind. i have an overactive imagination.

they say meditate but i dont see the point. church is cool, you are consuming what they are saying.

meeting new people can be exhausting. so many things ot explain.

i feel like i enjoy alaka's stories and family. i think its not the same when its reversed. its me and my son and my money problems he does not want ot hear about.

part of me wants to bend to become what others wants. now i'm getting to the point that i dont give a f as they say.

I just want to be me. i asked the old ladies for advise. i dont anymore. it took me so long to find my voice. they like to write over the words i have already written.

its not a space i like to be in. keep your problems to yourself, Gabe used to say. Does he not know, that's just not who I am.

I am honest and I speak about everything that is going on. i establish this in a conversation, its the only way my brain can process such things.

i met a guy one time he kept yelling at his mother. i felt so bad. he treated her so bad. 

i cant fix everything broken i see around me. but God, how i want to.

working inthe medical field its a great lesson in separation. we hear your paint, we document it. we see you in the office. but we are separate. roles are clearly defined. i dont do the medical part. i dont, i cant fix your problem. but i have access and i'll coordinate to the person who can.

boss got to be a dentist and lives by a beach. people talk bad about him and i dont like hearing it. at the end of the day, him being boss and doctor gave us opportunity to have a job, that's how i see it. patients keep showing up it gives us a job. 

i see so many people I never knew. today I thought of how if i work in the bank I would lose that. the people part. and i realize that's a big part of the job i dont want ot give up.

i dont see myself going into screens and being anti social. 

owning a house requires 2 years at the same job. there are so many cheap homes. all i need is to qualify. 2 years at a job and consistent income. i'm 39 why has that been so hard? why did my life turn out this way?

if i was a nurse or a doctor or a lawyer or, hell, even a plumber they get houses and are not homeless.

but like gets all of us. dispair, divorce, businessess failing. 

Ny and NJ always seemed cold to me. Alaka's life seemed so boring being in one location all day and looking outside making up stories about the neighbors. these are all the shifts of life.

I SEE IT ALL. I constantly seek adventure and risk and wow. last night with kenny made me realize

goodness how much further i have to go. get a car i guess. cars i dont even like. i want a walkable lifestyle.

but one has to be flexible no? debt scares me and being tied down to a life that does not represent me and what i want to do.

everyone means well, i' sure. i dont like sharing how broke I am. i know, write what you want.

I am wealty. i have been scared to say what i want. i compare miami to bayonne all year, we know which one came short.

i had this idea the other day of getting back to writing, something that was so ideal to who i was.

i wrote because i had so many words and no one to share it with. so many things to say and discover that nobody saw.  goodness, how i can go on.

i like to see the soul in the words. to feel what made someone write. the need to document the event, to understand the self by putting the words on the page. it will, and will always be, a confession.