I come back from church

 and you are,

you want to have a conversation about 

kicking us out

Not what I was expecting

after a weekend of making this place my own

I got plants and a fish

a comforter and a little tiny deer 

I go to church

starting thinking of how my church in in spanish,

a language i wanted to connect with

I saw that happen in Miami

And the drumming, thought of how me and my son wanted 

for him to learn the drums

Dr Reyes says for me to stay put in my job

and that she can maybe hire me for Fridays and Saturdays she needs someone.

I told her i'm looking for a weekend job to pay the higher rent.

She stays stay put, focus on yourself. Focus on your healing.

Instability catches up to me again, Ive only been here but 10 days,

My wound comes up, rejection and its met by the way I deal with it, pride.

She says its not working for her and I have to give up the room.

I speak to her and try to talk without showing too much emotion.

I come to the room, I cry. I call Tia. I pray. I fall into tears into my pillow.

Then thought of the place in 54th st and the guy.

I call him, tell him the situation, let him know it its okay for me to move.

He says yes, hasn't give it to anyone. I say its best for me to move today.

We need to get used to the new place now, not later.

I go to the restaurant, he isnt there. He says he's not in bayonne. He will come in about 2 hours,

will give me the key. I explain about how I get paid in 1.5 and can give him the money.  

Explained I gave her the money and picked this place over his because it was closer to my 

sons' school. I hope he sees I'm ohonest. We're walking and tell Alex the news.

He sobs with all the emotion that I had.

He says but we're good tenants. We dont make noise. 

I say I know baby, some people just dont like being tenants.

I didnt tell him it was because of him.

That would break his heart.

And its not his fault. He has been quiet when we go outside.

He has listened. He said we're quiet, we paid the rent.

He said we finally had happiness. 

It's so true. I held it in all, I hugged him.

We get to the bakery, trying to sedate him with food.

I said it out loud to the girl then I got emotional.

I like this place so much.

Of course there are choices, she said I have to leave in 20 days. I rather leave now.

Before the guy finds someone else. I lose the $800. She says she paid it already. next month

guess she'll cover it. She said yes and then said no.

People usually do this and dont let me move in. She let me move in and how said no we're done here.

She doesnt feel comfortable. I asked her to open the door one time, she's afraid that 

I'll ask her for something again. There is no patience here, 

she said she had to tell us not to flush. all toilets in america flush.

did you expect us to read your mind? 

You are annoyed with having tenants? My son left his bookbag because we just moved,

give us time to get settled. I told her I made a solution, a place for his bookbag.

She's leaving for a trip for a whole month, her daughter will come and doesnt want to see tenants. 

She has a different character, she says.

My son says, she was actually nice. why is she doing this to us? i hate her now.

I told him we do not hate her, she just changed her mind. 

Some people just dont like being landlords, I said. 

I felt rejected, and then in my pride. I asked for help, the guy said yes and

hope it all works out and we get to move out today.

She said she doesnt like that we opened the door. She asked if I am on medication.

I said no, no drugs, no drinking, had Tylenol when I had knee injury. She then said,

medication for anxiety. She says I don't know you, you don't know me.

I am not comfortable. she kept talking about when i asked her to open the door.

I explain and showed her I got new keys. I did not forget my keys, I had them all. 

She locked the top one (why? it wasnt even nighttime). and that's what happened.

but she feels strongly what she feels and she said she is direct. She said maybe

if the place next door would have been better for us since it has the back entrance.

Then she said make sure you like where you go next. I said i have no choice but to go

to my mothers. but just saying that broke my heart.

I came back to the room, and that's actually why I cried. I thought of the last words

my mother said to me when i was there. her criticisms, never uplifting or helping.

its always disappointment and 'never enough' energy. Never satisfied.

I didnt want to say I moved in. part of me believed it was too good to be true. I was enjoying it

and didnt want to tell family. or have visitors and lose it. i never thought

i would lose it because she doesnt like we're a family now. and how she had a tenant

that came alone then brought 2 girls and social workers were here. and government

keeps track of kid. i said i have none of those problems. I don't have custody issues. 

there will be no social worker here. 

At the end, every woman needs to feel safe. she doesnt feel comfortable. 

that's what i got from it. she said she can give me the deposit, the $400 back.

that the $800 she doesnt have. its a loss for me.

why leave? i dont like staying where I'm not wanted. I said in my mind and heart

but not out loud. I dont like that, I hate that. If i get a lot of money I will use it

to be stable on my own and not give someone the opportunity to reject me.

stablity is inside, dr reyes will say. give yourself the stability that you desire. 

I thought all these years I was waiting on prince charming. You know the name.

He will come and scoop me away. What he had in addition to what I lack

we would fulfill each other. like water going from one fountain to another.

but maybe not. when i was in Wynwood, this demon came out, called 'not good enough'

it manifested and the revelation came. i made agreements with it, and he was free to roam.

he left begrudingly. 

I AM ENOUGH. STABILITY COMES FROM ME.

new affirmations I will have to practice.

Mirror, on the wall. Here we are again.

Though my rise and fall, you've been my only friend.

Me and God. phsysically, me and my son.

I always wanted a bigger team. But this is the team we have.

So I must make due. 

I realize I could stay, she said something about if we stay and if we dont go outside too much 

I dont want to be restricted in my new home. I like outsdoors and I like walks. in the weeks I am at work, restraining, sitting, cant move from place to place. I cannot live and cannot make a promise that i will be still. also told her, we are moving, i'm getting things for the room. 

she doesnt understand. she picked up a sock from the floor i left behind in the bathroom. she told us to flush. i asked her to open the door once. it was too much for her.

that again, i'm too much. another thing that can hurt. but i'm not going to be hurt.

la vida hay que confrontarla. 

look at the problems head on. God I hope you help me make this new place a home. and clean it

and make it as comfortable as I can, for us. 

10 blocks from Lesly we will live now.