Drinking

Drinking smoothie like its a beer


watching comedies like its a secret rebellion


I'm mourning my past and my decisions and 


my current situation and all my pent up frustration 


of how not ahead I am in some aspects


It's a temporary glitch in my system


I saw a new future and it was taken away before I could fully understand it


Now there is a solution, a hope of finding out the answer


But it will take me going back there, the place that I do not want to confront.


I keep running away from myself, but not this time I am facing all these negative emotions


But what to do with it? How to overcome it? It already happened, I cannot change it.


I wake up bummed, so hard to sleep last night. There is a call I want to make, but I 


am unable. How to explain? Why I can't attend? I'm bummed out. I can't do it today.


Or maybe I can do it later. It is a mess. I am a mess today.


Go to church? What if I cry? I don't know why, feel like crying just typing that sentence.


Hey I have money! maybe I should spend some? No, that money is for bills. Its just that 


I haven't eaten a real meal in so long. Lack of appetite, lack of drive and focus.


I just wake up everyday and I keep writing, writing, writing, writing. What is the resolution?


God help me get out of this funk. Consuming movies and going on an emotional trip is not really 


helping. Act as if? Go to the party? Attend church? Face people with a face that is not sad?


Or get more sad because I get overlooked. I am afraid of the repercussions of my actions. 


Should I lie? Say I missed the call, I was already at church. I do not know, all I know is today I woke 


up and I have no desire to go, I can't find my bra and the dress is still wet. At the bottom, but hey I did


my best, I washed it yesterday. Confront it, it reminds me of the day I was getting so overwhelmed by 


these simple tasks. Then the next day, I had no issue doing them. 


The time keeps passing making it worse because then I'm late on my commitment, I was supposed to call.


I keep thinking, I do not want to to go and how to say it?


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