What would my life look like

I don't want to go there

I never go there

I should never go there

but let's take this time and go there

I guess I see myself as a successful person

money shouldn't be a problem

I should be married and have 2 kids

like everybody else

be with someone that loves me

have no mess

that reflects my years of self control.

life, no one warns you,

it can get ugly before it gets beautiful

I hate the broken parts of me 

that made me seek out for love in the wrong places.

I want to be honorable and I have been

but I don't have much to show for it

Just me and my brain and my intelligence

and my faith and my life experiences

and the failures in business that have not turned into a success yet

Gotta work harder, keep turning the wheel until you strike gold.

Would I be better off? I don't know, maybe life would have still be horrible.

Would I have gone back to school? Would I have turned my back on God?

Would I have settled down, emotionally? Would I have become whole?

Would I have tried to get back with Angel, or just kept letting him go?

Would I have found a support system? Would I have become strong on my own?

What would have turned my life around? Would I have found self love?

I thought I always had it but in that season I was gone like the wind

to any prospect of admiration and fun and attention.

I felt so low about myself and depressed, couldn't' sleep. 

What would have stopped that cycle? Angel was a bandaid, covering the real problem.

He was like a drug, I felt great around him. When he wasn't around, I felt

so uncomfortable in my own skin. The sadness and doubt would take over.

What would my life look like

if I didn't break down, if things didn't' go so low? 

If Angel hadn't left, or maybe if the relationship kept going

and maybe ended in a natural way, after a good amount of time

not quick and abrupt the way it did. Would that have changed things?

I know it would have been. I was like a boiling pot, the breakup

made the whole thing boil over, making a mess in the kitchen.

But I want to get over all this emotions, I guess they have been repressed?

because they come back, raw, new and fresh.

Why is that? I want to get over this, walk over the bridge.

And I want to recreate myself, the same way I did. I did.