Dream-Ryan-Adventism

Dream I dated wall street trapper he was trying to get me a job like Sergio

I played him cause I had another dude call me babe like my 20s

Jane said it was job because I'm over men

but I said its all about dynamics

Who is talking outside my window?

anyhow i felt bad because i felt i used him the way i used people when i was 20

did i use them? once i got a job and needed an all black outfit

i met a guy outside the restaurant 

took him across the street, got the clothes

I couldn't pay, he saved the day

he stayed in my life too long after that

it wasn't worth it

i think he wanted a college student because he wanted to be the hero

Alex loves me and i love him, but he knows how much I love him

and I'm glad

he cried when I had to go outside

but we together like all the time. 

back to dream, is there a message?

i was mad that he was trying to get me a job when he was self employed and didnt give me game (Ryan)

i felt like he didnt believe in me due to this (ryan). Ryan offered the white girl a job at his company when I had been his girlfriend and struggling to find a job and he never gave me that solution. So you had a whole job in your pocket this whole time?

And he went to the wedding and i was so worried wondering if i was going to be invited or not. He told them to leave me behind. He made the decision for me and cut me out of it.

Isaura spoke to him about taking me to a party, we went and he disappeared. we met at the end.

Why you dont want to show me off? he said all these girls would show up for him. Kind of how 

Tia gets, very serious and proving a point. Its liek what poitn are you trying to prove?

that girls like you? it was intimidating. I just wanted to laugh and I was happy that I had a bag I bought from the bag guy that came to our job on Fridays and looked brand name even though it wasnt.

he tricked me, first date he didnt pay attention to the phone, made me feel like i was more important. then in the relationship, i wrote a whole poem about how he was cheating on me with his blackberry.

it was a whole thing, he kept saying he has to pick up. like he had no choice.

I want a man that rules his world, and can prioritize me and the family. No Ghost making messes leaving Sasha the kids and the mess and she's the accountant too. hell no. Sasha, go home I'll close the club. she was a beautiful wife, playing a role and he gets to have the fun and the affair and she's stuck home with the kids. no way.

Ryan I felt wanted a prize, a wife that was a trophy. another one of the 'stuff' that he would use to validate himself and the 'poor boy' story that his college friends had called him. there was  lot of pain involved. work hard, to not lose family. but he didn't realize he worked so hard he did lose (time with me, led to breakup and no time for family because he was working so hard.) We all have things to prove.

When i left his car for the last time before our breakup date, he was talking to the white roommate about his job and different business ideas he was thinking of. He never shared those ideas with me.

I remember the time he yelled at me and said that he could clean better than me. I let it pass. But that was not allright. Its different when someone's meanness turns to you. but I'm used to rejection.

I'm tired of being in that role. Not everyone has to get me. I get to fly away like a butterfly. I'm in a cocoon season. You don't have to be here. i need to find myself, what my voice is outside the noise. I do not need your involvement.

Maya Angelou said I have risked everything for the truth. And you must do the same.

I stopped sleeping, their ideas were like bullets in my mind and staying I my mind fighting for which ideas to live and which ones to kill. I chose to leave, I needed my peace. I needed to do what is best for me.