Covering
I wake up and I heard you
You don't have a covering
I grew up Tia Margot, then my mom.
I don't have a older man I can call that loves me and has used the work of his hands to make sure I am provided for.
I don't have that, a person I can call. I don't have a covering.
Now I am a mother, and still no covering. No man that is working and providing. I guess that's why its hard to be both. The provider and the mom. They are, what you say?
Two different roles.
I lay on the couch, and I put the blanket on my head. It feels good, I never knew it could feel this way. The blanket shields the cold air in the house from my head and my neck and I feel warm and so comfortable I fall asleep. I have a covering, someone else is having it.
She says to call, I fall asleep. I hadn't done anything this morning. Jane was supposed to call. I had all these worries in my head. Part of me is like write, write them out before you speak to anyone else.
Covering. Who is covering me? a physical person? I came to the acceptance that I don't have a covering, a male dad in my life. I became masculine. Became a warrior like Mulan. I had to go out into the world and fight everyday. I became excellent student, went off to college. Had a nervous breakdown, my anxiety led to insomnia. Every time that happens, I am not well.
I am staying up worrying about money. And wondering how I am going to leave the church and deal with the disappointing look in their eyes. I am tired of being the broke one. and I am tried of people asking me 'Are you okay?' When I don't go to church, I hear 'Are you okay?' Yeah its concern but why wouldn't I be okay?
Tia says I go all the time, they see the lack of attendance lately. I go, I am difficulty sleeping, I say, explain myself why I can't show up. Why I show up late. Okay. Okay.
When mom said her threats I said okay. It was the only thing I could say to not be disrespectful. Cave into myself. Leave, when things get hard. What is the option? Just leave. My old church they showed their true colors when I left. No one cared to come to my house and make sure that I was okay. Now I got people asking me if I am okay when I don't show up and it bothers me. am i like my mother never satisfied?
When they say are you okay I feel like they are saying I see your brokenness, I see your pain. I am there with my son I ignore everyone and just pay attention to him. They tried to hook me up with a guy, back to that old hook her up with someone, surely he will be the covering. I am unavailable, uninterested. I want to save myself and I know where I am going. I just want to associate with people that can help me get there.
Right now I have a bump in the head. In my heart? no, a bump in the road. $35 dollars to unlock the studying. I gave them my last $100. and then somehow I had 67 in my account but I think its because wealth squad thing went in fast. Once again, I committed and now I am running out of gas. (gwap).
$65 unlocks my son's glasses. $35 unlocks me being able to study and get my license. 6 figures in 6 months is possible there. WOW.
What is the solution? I have to become the covering. Then I go back to the drawing board. I prayed, God said contact George, I did he gifted me the class. I am 47% there. My goal is to finish it. I think the most important thing is to go and get groceries. If I do pick up maybe it will be worth it, saving the time. When I go to Walmart there is no time limit so its like 2 hours sometimes we are there, walking around and getting all the things. Last time I called Sister Donaldson, I had so much stuff and didn't want to go use that dirty taxi service. Thank God last time after I went to the laundry I got a guy.
I was so down last year I told my problems that concerned me as they should. promises of jobs that never came through. I can't stand McDonalds, they had me clean poo poo water. After Grant Cardone, I was like, dang I gotta do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. If I have to go work in McDonalds to get the money to unlock the knowledge. $1,000 a month they said. Is the program. 15k to change your life. I never had 15k before but I was like, I want it! I want to learn! Last week I did book club and weekend I did the training, it wasn't that long. I missed church for it.
Got reprimanded by Lateya. I realize for me to become myself I'm gonna piss some people off. They will say it indirectly, but that that scripture was ready. I can deduce what you are trying to say. I hate when people try to have serious discussions over text. Get tuned in. That place is hiring and the Adventist will say don't work there because its a gas station. They sell cigarettes. I remember I hated hearing that because it's not like they are giving any other option. So I stayed broke.
Asked Tia if she could watch Alex, she said no. I said, After Grant Cardone. am I willing, to put my child in boys and girls club. but that was summer, they do full time. Now who knows? Am I going to give my kids up? They say corona, don't go to church then they say put your kids in there. My cousin trusted the schools and what they do with it. I was not there.
Ideally, since Alex was born. I wanted to be with him, for him not to go to school and for us to travel and me to be the leader. To have agency for the way our live was going to go. I found a blog of mothers that had accomplished this. She was from Savanah, Georgia. She became a mom and started traveling the world. I read about another mom, she left first figured out the rest later. She doesn't have stable income, lives in Guatemala.
We can all leave this life behind. I am trying to get to a new level, it is going to require me doing things differently. Auris, how bad do you want it?
There is no more I have Monday night bible studies and Tuesday bible studies and its too many studies. None of them led to money. Pastor called me one time, wanted me to replace Akeeme and I would have got get baptized. I know you want to help. I am not displacing anyone. I have my home office now.
I have to get money, some way. If it means working at gas station. i rather do that than McDonalds. The work at home jobs I would have get a babysitter too. that lacks the whole point. I don't want to go back on the phones. George did it for 2 years. and he had another job. and a family, got the car paid off. decided to stop making that crazy car payment. Paying every month in order to stop staying broke.
What do I have to give up? I have to give up my Saturdays and do another Grant Cardone event. Chose this day who you will serve. If Catholics idolize virginity, then the Adventist idolize keeping the sabbath. adamant about it. I get it, I got attacked my the devil. Eddie short but called me the devil since I would not bend my will. I thought you said I wasn't an Adventist now if I don't dip into this pool I am Satan? the funny thing is, no one asked why. the pastor's wife she was telling me why its a scary thing to do. Why did I do it? because I wanted to find out. now that I found out, that stuff doesn't go with me.
Eddie says just teach her the basics. And I see why, its easy to agree if you don't know all the stuff.
I feel like I download this huge list of requirements that I don't fit. My problem is, why do I want to fit? Do I want friends that bad? and do they really know the way? i see the character and stuff.
But its this constant feeling of not enough. And it shows up in church. And it shows up in my life. It shows up in my drams. I am not good enough, what I write is not good enough. My words are not good enough, I want to do a visual with it. Well, that's just the artist in me, that's how I picture it. Let's make my creation a reality.
Launch the confidence coach brand. Auris, your personal confidence coach.
Money, is the breakdown. I have all the money I need. I have all the resources I need to acquire me and my child's needs. I need 400. Ask for more, if you ask for just enough you will have just enough.
They bought me groceries but that is short term. Eddie and Bryan one time. I was so embarrassed. Got a ride to get Alex' haircut. That was a whole thing. Him and his son driving, just so that Alex can get a haircut. People want to help but these are all temporary solutions. Pastor said are you sure? when I said I am letting his hair grow out. I looked at him weird, like what are you trying to say?
But I guess when people have money they forget. No one wants pity. And no one wants to be questioned for what he says. If you are not part of the solution, I don't want to hear from you. No one is going to come to save you. I am stressed out, told Lateya all my stuff. And she says, you can ask me as if she answers the phone. But she has been good with text lately. and I can't use the past to inform the present, give her a chance. Ask her, ask her. I posted stuff on Ebay. Why? To give it a try.
Now another doctor's appointment. You need to take him to the doctor. It won't get done if doesn't happen today. Tia is in a jam, she would call me. when i was working there was nothing I could say. She doesn't have a car. they went to the hospital. I'm like why are you calling me? there is nothing I can do. I'm 40 minutes away. we try, we try, I am only one person. everybody got this weakness.
Don't tell your problems to others. Be quiet. I am supposed to stand up. I am supposed to show up. Get back to bold, Auris. Get back to bold. I don't like this weak slumped shoulders version of yourself. You need to show up for yourself before you show up for others. I hate talking on the phone. What is going on? I am in a constant battle.
Make money, arise. self employed, get LLC. Thanks I'm gonna link. call center, taking calls. this is no interview. you can computer, meets requirements and phone line. take class, pass training then its guaranteed. So this better. some of then only have to do 10 hours a week. hours get released, you go and pick own hours.
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