Relationships II

 I am trying to take the things she realized and trying to make sense of it.

"I had seen that I had a part even in the most painful relationship."

Ryan reached back out, I was not expecting that.

We'll talk soon. 

1. Angel, when we met he just showed interest. He gave me a look. And, he showed up.

And he asked me on a date. He just showed me interest. That is all it took.

With him I felt a high and and overall sense of comfort. But it was beyond him. He kept showing me stuff that wasn't acceptable. The time he let go of my hand because I mentioned church. and how he picked me up from church but was not with it, I was like I am going to trust you more. He was with it. He was a fool, and I was the girl that was with him. Looking for love in broken places. But I had no one else. It was just me, and I was in that city by myself and I left the christian house. What was my purpose now? I remember a lot of walking nights alone in the streets.

2. Andre, my worst relationship. I was very depleted after that relationship. Even when we reconnected, it was all the same patterns. He is such a personality, and it is all about him. I wonder if he can handle another person, that has their own interest and stuff. Or if he just escapes to his studio. Trying to do art and all that stuff. I really didn't like that he had a side chick. It's such a betrayal to his girl. He pretended she knew about it, but obviously it was a problem. He betrays people, and has no issue with it. 

He confessed all these things from that time period. It made me feel bad. He had sex with the girl from college, all the time they hung out, most times. He kept saying he didn't cheat on me but it sounded like some girls overlapped. Remember the girl from NY? She liked me. Remember the Indian girl? I borrowed money from her and never paid her back. It's like who are you? What the hell is going on?

Once again, I am trusting. It did not work in my favor with this one. Why Andre? He was there, fun, always available and same thing. He kept pursuing me. I also thought he really loved me so I stuck around, hoping that he would change and would be stable and stayed with me.

But why? he smoked and I didn't like his habits. I still wanted him to stay with me. Why? I hated living with my mom I think I saw love as the way out as I kept trying to earn more income and I felt tapped out. How to earn more? to finally move out and be more at peace. I see why people smoke now.

Andre came when I was all over the place with guys. Talking to a couple but nothing was stable. I also felt out of purpose. Like, I was going to work everyday but I didn't see a way out or working towards a goal. That whole time period I felt like Andre was a distraction, from myself. From keep searching my purpose. And I did, I took the Landmark class, I started my business. 

I did do stuff, that was all me. Was he supportive? no, not really. The time I had my speech for the Toastmasters contest, I was downstairs, he was trying to get back in. He was supposed to come and support, but he didn't do it. Same when I went with Indian guy to do the consulting, he left and he said it was okay. Did he ever ask about it? Did he care about my goals? Probably not, it was the Andre show. And all his friends cared about was partying, similar to my friends. It wasn't good. 

I see a pattern though, like Grant Cardone said. He got into some relationships because he wasn't fully pursuing his purpose. He saw that. I heard that in these confessions. I wasnt purposeful in those times. i didn't know what to do and I had spare time. Honestly, not really i worked  and commuted for 60 but my mind was in need of something to focus on, a dream worth pursuing. I wanted to get out of my mom's house but I didn'tsee a way out. So I just kept going to work and kind of gave up a little bit as far as oh well I can't make it happen. What to do? Keep working, keep saving and buying books teaching myself how to prosper.

  Isaura putting me down because my dreams were too large for her, and she started criticizing where I was. The time she criticized whether I was driving. It's like what is your point? Seriously, I am working and doing my best. Why are you coming at me? And when I got my license, It was Mona that helped me and the guy from Brunswick that we took lessons every Saturday. 

It was confusing when all this happened. She was the person I trusted with my trust and I always encouraged then her mission in life was to have me be in a relationship. But that wasn't what God had for me or what was best for me. Me not being with Andre anymore was the best for me. Every time I spoke to her she spoke otherwise and I would be so weak that I would agree with her. She kept pushing for it. But it wasn't it. 

Isaura, we stuck together from the group. Why? Because we were different. But then things changed and she started being my enemy. and when she got married that meant I was the last one in the group that was single. I guess she felt responsible for me getting with someone. It was the thing to do. 

Responsible for everything, the book says. We accept people and the way they treat us and the way they love us. How they did love me? Ryan, really good. No drama.  Andre, lots of drama easy to get lost in his world and lose focus on myself. Isaura, support her all the time and we would pray together. Over the years, I saw how much I was there for her and she wasn't there for me. She was cheap, not willing to give and when she associated with my sister, she started lashing at me. Also, the time I took her to this nice restaurant and she just kept criticizing me and I felt horrible about myself. All the things I liked, she put them down. My jewelry, my sense of fashion, my confidence, my beauty. The crazy thing about it was, I believed her but it was all untrue. I looked amazing. Especially in that wedding we went to, she criticized my dress. Said I dressed like an old lady due to the new sweaters I had purchased and I loved. She was not a good friend. 

Isaura was not a good friend. That is so crazy because at that time, I thought she was and I ignored all the signs. I kept being confused by them and kept moving on with my life. I didn't set boundaries, I didn't cut her off. Back then, I hadn't learned that skill. I just allowed these people to be around.