I'm not interested

 in sleeping

Gotta get these words out, they tired of being kept in

Auris, you are supposed to be great

you have been hearing this your whole life, hey

you are so used to losing and your brain keeps replaying things from the past

but you out of there now, you in Georgia now about to go to Florida

about to make 40k a month, about to make it finally.

Can you believe it? Will you believe it? So you can put all your effort into  something and finally get something out of it

This is not steppers, or last year's community service. or all the church services. or all the times you studied. Basically, this is not like your entire life. A lot of energy coming out, no ounce get back. At least I got back from Greater Harvest, the spirit, God it would recharge me. I would come all the time, wanting to hear from God and hear the word and all of that stuff. I gave everything for it. Still doing it.

But Auris, this is different. Life is truly going to turn around for you. What are you a skeptic? Yeah its like woooo. 

I hear you, but yeah all this time I have been believing and hoping and praying and affirming about the prophesy God gave me and I kept repeating that thing because it gave me hope that life was going to get better. That I could up and get out of this hole. My son is growing, he is not learning languages yet. I am not a homeowner, I am not married yet. I do not have a Jeep this is all in September 5th, 2020.

But oh how I've been faithful and kept going and kept believing. Last year I wondered if God kept me broke so that I could keep being still. Being still makes me realize and sit down and write all these thoughts on here. I remember the drives with my brother when he took me to burger King. I think he was trying to figure out if I will stay. But I was so lonely back then, it was nice just to have someone to talk to. I was alone, like Sister Donaldson. All week alone in that house, doesn't it drive you crazy? but she came, she trusted. I hope she is living a life that she loves. She talks about England and all the great times. Its not that I am not interested, its that I am young and I want to go on my own adventures.

There was this woman in the coldest place in the world and she said there is no better place to live than here. but how would she know? She has not lived anywhere else. The year was what? 2018 when I worked that sales job that I was running around like never before. Yes, I work in NJ now but they wanted to suck me up for all my time. working with 20 year old that have no other responsibilities. and we didn't even make money, it was ridiculous. that was not a vehicle. But surprisingly, like everything else. People were successful, I saw it there in the magazines. 

It's 146am. I need to go to sleep. Wake up, get dressed. Look like a lady. Try to look like not my reality. Appear like a person that has a stable life and a regular sleeping time. Zari said she would be with guys and drink, that time at that apartment that she showed me. I remember when she let me stay with her, what a blessing it was. How big the closets are with the gold little things. And I felt so free, to finally be out under my mother. and I felt so abused. I felt like I needed to heal, but it was time to wake up, take my son to daycare and go to work and grind and grind away until one day you get to look up and see a run of sunshine and be grateful that you survived one more day.

Everyone is hussling, trying to make more money because life is so expensive. Here I don't even feel like I have to dress, I do so more for myself. But did anyone appreciate? Not really, and when I left, did anyone come looking for me? No. Ms. Pearl said people say they are surprised that she has friends. but she was the only one in that church that showed me kindness. and the pastor was someone I kept serving and I kept wanting her to notice but it never came. 

Tia did say she asked about me. But you know where I live, I always told you you could come. but maybe its something she's afraid of. I'm glad I am not walking to Cafe Euro everyday. I did all that walking just to get the comfort to sit at a couch. Would anyone believe the things I've been through? and why, because I could not get a job or a source of income? because working McDonalds was unbearable and then daycare was so far away, it was hard after I stopped having a car. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. 

It's almost NB again, but it doesn't feel like it. Maybe because I don't have roommates and my lack of success is not bothering anybody. I was shocked in my homeless season when I would watch cartoons on weekends. I felt like I tried and tried and tried and had no more ideas of what to do. so I felt like I can breathe, I can take comfort. let me just be. 

David says don't think about your current situation and about what you currently have or don't have. he said my mind is on jets. Protect what your mind focuses on. I'm talking and I'm venting and I'm writing to figure out what is all this thing that I am feeling. this way.

Am I feeling good? No. and due to my music fast in the past I now know that playing a song to get me out of the mood is not the answer. We can focus so much on things that are external that we can lose touch with ourselves. But like India Arie, I always find it fascinating to study the self. 

Auris, you can win! It's your time! It's your season! Don't give up! Give it all you got!