Lately

 I have been feeling miserable

I'm glad I'm staying up and getting things done

But am I out of balance?

I keep listening to affirmations hoping that it will make a change

Tomorrow I will go to the church with all its judgements

I guess what irks me is the thought that I don't have a car and can't get around much

I got so much peace and I stay home all week. I used to think I couldn't get used to this

but now I am getting used to it. It's like being in a jail, but of your own choosing.

It's like Barbie in her Barbie house. The house has everything you would ever need, so why would you ever ever leave?

Like Michael in his Never Ranch. I am home and I think of my goals all the time.

Get the house clean, finish the fridge, then tackle the closets. Did laundry today too.

Tackle the clothes, then clean all the shoes. It's September but I'm doing spring cleaning over here.

The guy yesterday on the live said go kill something. For me, I felt accomplished because I got my goal done. and I did some more today.

Get all this done, then go ahead go on study mode and tackle the test, get licensed. Don't tell anybody what you do, just get it done.

Alaka has added so much to my life. He's like a leader that I don't mind following. I always trust his advice because he has never led me astray.

Mom and aunt is gone and I am back to being me. Took a bath today, was thinking of the books that I would want to create and what it would look like. Alaka's mother said how old am I and I said 35.

First year I don't feel bad on my birthday. I felt great. Why is that? What did I do last birthday? I think nothing right. It was I remember my Sunday church I got recognized by them I got an award, and I really needed it. I felt like God gave me a gift. I felt so unappreciated at that time. And me getting an award on that day, it just made me feel seen.

I remember, that was a big deal. With her words, the pastor just mentioned all the things that I had done. But it felt good to hear it, to be acknowledged. Like I was doing all these things and it felt like, for what? What am I doing this for? The people at the door were not cheerful or ever said hi back. I took it as a lesson, I kept giving love and serving people, and never complaining but God, was it hard. That was the lesson.

And I gave and gave and gave and end of month, none of my bills were getting paid. I said, I am in the wrong game. Yomeiry, she moved out. Car that I was driving her in and Tia in, gone so no more free rides everywhere on my time and my help and I'm carrying. ha! and Lesly said I thought she helped. How Sway? Its frustrating when you don't get credit for all you do.

I created a whole new life, far far away from you. Like usual, no one asks no one wants to know. I want to write books, have my voice heard. I get that they are not the ones that want to listen to me. There is something beautiful about writing, and having an office right next to the bedroom is amazing, you see. 

This blog is not monetized and I didn't even know that was a thing. It's just my personal diary, but its online so I can access it from anywhere. I finally have a laptop it was supposed to be for code. But now I have new ideas, new visions and its all coming together. Could this be? that this is it?

Learn this, get licensed. Become like Jonathan, write 30k in a week. If he can do it, I can do it too. Alaka has done a lot of presentations. I have done so too. I know I can win. And I need to win more than ever too.

What is in me? That I want to take out? The jealousy, the anger, the why isn't it my turn vibes. Everyone has a season and some are in a down season longer than others. I just feel like its me. I see so many people out here winning. I understand Neo had 11 years of struggling as an entrepreneur and overall in life. It took him time to develop himself and find a hussle that would put cash in his pockets. then I guess he got with the click funnel guy because he started marketing his knowledge online.

Nothing comes easy Auris. Like that thing I saw a while ago the Wu-tang. The guy spent so much time developing his music and producing skills. It took a lifetime. It seemed like. But that is fiction and sometimes we are exposed to so much fiction that it is the only thing we are exposed to.

What am I doing to develop the next generation? but more importantly, what am I doing to develop myself? Can't teach others to reach a level I have not reached myself.  Cardi is interesting because she has the rags to riches story. Although we don't know everything. On love and hip hop she had a team and things don't happen overnight but she talks and she really wanted it and she bet on herself. 

I always read these stories and point out the advantages that that person has had. And I think of how I didn't have the same. I compare my stories to them. Like the Millionaire by 30 guy. I was reading that book when? Then I met the realtor that looked like Manuel. it was triggering, but he was cool though. We were into the same things and it was so exciting to meet someone that was into business and was out there getting it and was so focused. Real cool. I saw him a year later, I didn't buy anything he was telling me that's how the market was, I said I didn't know it was for rent.

What is the point in living in Jersey City? Unless you are already there and are stuck. Or unless you are that guy with the grey house in Kenney Blvd. I wonder if someone could take it. Some people do, want something so bad that belongs to someone else it can become an obsession. 

Anyways, what is rising in me? healing season, and last year I felt like internally God was preparing me to be a wife. It just kept being in my spirit. Then I talked to Jason and he said to hear this sermon and I didn't hear it because I was going to the Adventist church and they teach different things and it's confusing for me. Or maybe it was me being lazy. I just couldn't get into it. Oh, and I didn't have internet at that time either. Funny thing.

Today I called Matthew and he was doubtful. I instructed him to watch the Rabu Gary videos and I didn't send him a link. He was one of those, how is it working out for you? I'm like I deposited the minimum, the deal is I trust in the people so hey why not. He had to go, he was at work. I told him,  are you available? that's what I meant. Oh well, he can't say I didn't tell me. Weird that Eric was stand offish with him as well. Post so much but then shy away from answering questions when people reach out, that doesn't make any sense bro. But I stick to what I say, he had this leadership quality I saw in him.

Saw a David Imonitie interview after I stayed up all night after cleaning taking full notes on the Trapper interview, what a dynamic interview. He is compelling, entertaining and amazing transparent and vulnerable. I wonder if I could ever be that way. Sometimes when we are young we are pushed to greatness. All the stuff I did in my life as a youth I never got paid for. I guess it wasn't a stretch working and not having much after my bills. It was like, this is how life is supposed to be. You do all this work and you get nothing. You study all the time for grades that your parents don't even appreciate. But get them to get to college. I did that then got 30k in debt. I'm more broke now at  graduation that I was at 17. I took a economic course and they discussed how some people don't go to college, they just go straight to work. I stared at her, like wait, that is a choice?

The guy I follow in youtube from Houston that's what he did. he didn't go to college, went straight to work, got an apartment with his girl and just started saving. he was focused. Same with Graham they started early. Now he's young and a millionare. Got into real estate selling then eventually investing. It was interesting. Focused and just talks about things that every that likes finance knows. But I like his show, it feels casual, not pushy like the Kramer shows used to be. Throws a bunch of information and it was like huh? why are you telling us to drop that stock? No focus on information just on flashy graphic one bit pieces.

Finance, money when did I get interested in these things? i was so happy to be on that call because people were on it and I realize in all these things is that I have something of value to say. You forget all you know until your there and you know everything that the guy is saying, I could rock with it. Its like my brain got it. I felt the same way in the real estate meetings. Its like I could speak their language. It made no sense to me. Am I do I know a lot or how come I understand everything that they were saying? Just like the economics course, I was like wow. I need to change my major, this is it. I find this very interesting. But unfortunately I had to leave. I went back to new Brunswick years later still not having a job or stability just following the voice of God and man, was I in a desert. For real. My story is not everyone else's. I have a very strong connection to God. Shoot, that's why I am here right now! Hearing that voice and following it into the darkness, the unknown, the uncomfortable.  I'm gonna get out of here. 

I was sad, felt like crying and then I started writing and all of this is logical. That's dope.