Memory Lane

I saved 10 percent of my income for a year. Kept working my bank job, bought the books. I finally was making money but most of it was going to expenses.

The inefficiency of living and working in different places. 

Rent, trains, what else? food, eating out while I'm out there working all those long hours. 

I wasn't spending on clothes like that. Wasn't making enough to do what I wanted to do. buy a car, or save for a house, or buy the clothes I wanted. I hated when I would go to the stores and I still couldn't have the wardrobe I wanted. 

I thought of my dreams all the time. Linda, having a clothing brand. Always wondering how it would be possible given where I currently was in my life.

It's like Joseph in the pit. Like Lord, I know what you said, but I'm in a pit right now. Like how is this going to happen? It touched my heart when he cried when he saw his younger brother and then saw his father. He cried because he missed him so much. That love was there, it never went away.

That's how I feel towards Tia Margot. but I be loving her from a distance. I wrote a poem about it. I am here living the life I need to live. But I think that's okay. Overall, life flows fast. I am glad she knows she can call me y le puedo resolver. 

Last year I got mad when people said they could help and you are hanging on their promises. pero I am on my own. pastor was like I have this idea. I didn't like it, if you get baptized that I can do this, and you can come on Fridays. I don't want the church to give me a monthly. But I like that I get to go there and be in the church. It feels too much like begging. I know you want to help, but leave it alone. I don't like pity, never have and never will. 

Last year I walked all the way downtown to ask her to use her phone to call pastor. and he said no. That sucked. All that work, and all that walking and what was the point? I feel like a person who has nothing, at moments like that. But I be forgetting because the moment passes. Maybe that's why they think I'm crazy and not working and like how can you support yourself?

Lord, I think about these things and it makes me want to go back to bed. Don't give up! I ate dates and popcorn. Am I full? Should I cook? I need to clean out the freezer and meal prep. It's Sunday Auris. Why am I not there? I feel like an athlete that showed up not ready to play. I woke up 12:17pm and was so tired. spent next hour cleaning the living room. Did Alex's nails, cut and file, then had him take his shower and get dressed. Now I'm showered and laid down cause I was so tired but my mind kept going. I need to figure out how to quiet it. 

That's why I'm on this webinar. But it was so good. But It's 1k. again, money I don't have.

How to change this cycle? I have another webinar at 8pm. Ok, should I go back to sleep? Act like it's not day. Will I feel better when the money hits my account? I need to study, I need to clean.

I am tired I feel like my eyes need to rest. But then again I feel like I am not that tired, like I should do it instead. Make a schedule Auris. That is the truth. 

Anyways I followed the advice, saved for a year. then finally had a little money to invest. invested in some thing that was like a course. It costs 1k. Took me a year to save it. it was not something I had time to do after I got the course. I had to keep working. He was like send him stuff you look up on a site and send it to his team. I forgot what the course was. It was sticky, full of DVDs.