Thoughts

 Keeping promises to myself!

Filled the application last night even though it was hard.

Went today to notary and handed in the application. Everything went well, they will contact me in 3 days I think they said. She will put a note that they received it today. 

Instead of going with my emotion, and running away from the situation, I did what I had to do. I pushed through the hard part.

I have tenacity!

2) kinda of got annoyed that Tia was upset at my emotions and she wanted to dwell and dig at me over it. what to do in those situations? Why is it so hard for her to feel or understand that people have feelings?

you shouldn't have those feelings. Well I do. Logic stuff she was giving me. I kept saying, I filled it out so what is the problem? She seemed to be trying to solve a problem that wasn't there. And taking my problems as her own too. What is the big deal? and why last year I told this to Yomeiry and different people too. i would tell anyone that wanted to ask back then because I didn't know how to deal with it. The whole thing made me feel like a victim. 

3) Talked on the phone with Jane and with Alaka. Talking to Alaka was fun. Jane and me discovered the meaning of the dream.

a. up the stairs to return to the family. I have to rise and elevate before being around the family again.

b. The way I value money and the way they think about money is completely different. They put money in the toilet. I would never. 

c. I couldn't spend time in that environment. I don't fit anymore. So I left to the bathroom, then to take a walk. To return, I have to elevate. To get to my dreams and goals I had to go away. And that is okay.

Another revelation: me talking to Suyapa about how toxic mom is and our relationship being built of that was toxic. It wasn't healthy for me and it didn't solve anything. 

4) Jane got on the phone with Tia. Tia took my phone away and I wasn't able to talk to Jane. It keeps happening where everytime we say hi or interact it turns into a long drown out thing. Lately I haven't liked that. It's like can you come over and leave? What to do about this? I miss her, but in doses. I don't like the negativity at times or conversations we get into. But sometimes, like the day we hung out and discussed stuff, it was okay. I also find myself in this trap of talking of how broke I am. It's like, I don't want to talk about myself in that way.

Am I trying to relate? or am I trying to relate to her because she always has those conversations? How broke she is and how much money she doesn't have and how aunt B and uncle John don't give her money but buy Tiana stuff. I just don't want to be in those discussions anymore. Solutions only please. 

Anyhow, Jane said she just told her that God got her and they prayed. And she got a job today! so prayer worked! we were trying to convince her its okay for her to state her terms and think about what she wants.

5) Yesterday talked to Andre and he was all black people this and that and I couldn't do it either. Jane understood when I explained to her.

6) I really appreciate Jane. She listened to my messages and was excited over the things I am excited about. That is priceless. You can't pay for that. Someone that is genuinely happy for you when you win, and understanding when you go through stuff. Thank you Lord. I really appreciate her and remember how dark it was when I didn't have anyone by myself, my thoughts and you to carry me thought. It got dark sometimes. Jane has truly being such a gift in my life. She taught me to be vulnerable. That is was okay to be vulnerable (with her). It's a muscle now I am learning to release more.