Iranium oil bath day

 Hi, you. Yes you, 

You have been away for a while.

I used to write all my musings, put it down and paper and somehow, it was always enough.

It was always my love of words that got me through.

Now i hate you. its like a poison I want to throw out. My insides are screaming at me to get up, to move, to do SOMETHING. 

Jesup was great, at that time. Its time to go and It's time to make it happen. 

I'm at a point in life when I want to make things happen. No more dreaming. Moving forward, making a move. 

That is the basis of how I feel. Also, I miss relationships. I have them over the phone. But I want more. 

I want more. 

then another part of me. LOVES ALL THIS.

I love the peace. I love that I can walk around and feel completely safe. No one to bother us, no overcrowding-ness. 

Of course, it would be like life changing just to have a car again. and have more money, and be able to move more. of course we would have to move to a place that its easy to go out and travel. and my dream of traveling is screaming at me and in the other side of my insides its this fear of whether that is the right course of action.

and then i think of the business i want to create. and i know someone that made it all in a team that was far away. in ukraine. in that IG story.

I talk to Alaka a lot, and I think both of us gotta think big. I want a life that makes me ecstatic. Smiling from ear to ear. A challenge, a new adventure. 

I want to travel the places. I want to eat the food and learn to make the foods. I want to have a life partner. I want deep relationship, someone to know me deeply. and still love me. and I them. 

I see what people are building and I question my life. And I'm tired of being there, where? In my mind. the regrets, the memories that come to up for me. 

Last year when I was in Cali its like I was living some wild dream. In a beach with a hot attractive guy in a new place, a new city. But I was still me. And the days he left the rejection was all that I could feel. Luckily I had Jane to talk to during that time. What started as a wild adventure turned into a torture of sorts. 

I came back and nothing was different no one asked what happened no one cared. mostly because my friend she's not into this stuff, But I am.

I want to be accomplished, and be the type of person that finishes the things that they start. and for it to not take so long for me to clean my house. wasn't that the excuse I gave to Alaka? and I got sick twice and fatigued twice. 2 whole weeks went by with no trading, the thing that I love. 

Got a new program, April 14th I had to wait to get the information that I paid for. 

I want to climb mountains, last night that's what I dreamed of. What if I make it a smaller goal. 

Climb mountains in Utah. A small win, find out how much it costs and start making this a marking spot for the next thing. Sometimes, you just need a small win.

10k pay off stuff yes. But Utah, mountains. A small feat. Travel out there with Alex and get it done. I need a win.