Poem to my father

It snowed in NY today and I thought of you

what you were doing and if you would get up and play in it

if it was you here

and I there, where you are,

never here, is the motto

You are, never here,

that is.

I graduated in June and I thought of you

I wondered if you would be the kind of dad that brings

a video recorder and would embarass me in front of everyone

if you would be late, in the back of the line

or would you be in the front? 

screaming my name loudly.

I wondered, I wonder, I thought of you then, dad

I thought of you when the first guy liked me

pursued me, dad

I wish you were there to scare them

put a little fear like I see dads in the movie do, dad

I wonder if you would care, or would you be a lenient dad,

letting his little girl get away with whatever she wanted?

I thought of you dad

I thought of you when I graduated high school, 

I thought of the dream you put 

inside my heart

when I was little 

and you were big

and you always looked old to me

with your bushy eyebrows

and the light in your eyes, and your thirst for life

I think of you, I thought of you, everyday while I was staying up

at night studying

trying to be, all the things you said I could be.

You believed in me, and I guess because you said it, I became it

I said, surely he will come when I graduate, or at least a call

that call never came

but I still did it dad, I still wanted you to be proud of me dad,

the next graduation was a little bit harder. 

I got the college degree and then the first job and then the first boyfriend

to meet the family and bring flowers to my mother

and I thought of you dad but not in the way that would he show?

No, I knew better now

I thought of you in the way one thinks of a memory,

of someone they know they are not gonna see again.

I thought of you in the sense of, another moment he will miss

he is like a ghost following me

he's in my heart but everyone doesn't care

they cant even bear to sit with the emotions I have 

And how much I miss you and how much I love you

and I know they all hope and think that I will forget you

But I never did dad, I saw you dad. I loved you dad.

and that love never went away.