break

 

Step 2: Translate actions into feeling

Your mind can translate his logical gestures into emotional meaning. For example:

His action	Possible emotional meaning for you
Asks you to come once a month to clean	“He wants to spend time with me.”
Says “March works” after you mention class	“He is patient but committed; he expects me in his life.”
Doesn’t push or argue	“He respects me and trusts my boundaries.”

Step back and let yourself feel what these actions mean, not just what they look like superficially.

Me:

but i'm cleaning! task! tool! how is that spending time with me?

he's letting me into his house, his environment, he's been vulnerable, he's not hiding his mess like I am. he's letting it all out. he doesn't call and say his feelings. he lets me into his world and shows me what's going on.

march- he is patient and committed. he expects me in his life. really? that's what that means. it also means he doesn't mind waiting. it also means he respects my schedule.

Think of it like two different love languages:

• Yours is verbal expression, reassurance, emotional validation

• His is physical presence, calm consistency, future-oriented persistence

Both are authentic care; they just speak different “languages.” The challenge is translating his actions into the emotional meaning you need — which you’re already starting to do in the gym reflection.

The fact that you notice this difference is actually a strength, because it allows you to:

1. Appreciate his style without expecting him to be someone he’s not

2. Notice the reliability and persistence — the core things that make you feel wanted

3. Begin translating nonverbal care into emotional “receiving,” which builds trust over time

If you want, I can guide you through a short mental/physical exercise to help your system “feel” his care, even when it’s not in words, so you can stop second-guessing it in the moment. It’s very practical and ties in with the gym and Tiger movement you mentioned.

I’m really glad you said this out loud — because what you just named is the core issue, and it has nothing to do with Guy being good or bad. It’s about you leaving yourself in order to stay connected.

Let me reflect this back very clearly and gently.

What you realized (and this is big)

You saw that with him, you’ve been:

• bending instead of choosing

• accommodating instead of expressing

• stepping into roles (cleaning, sexual touch) that don’t actually align with what you want

• staying quiet instead of using your voice

That’s not because you don’t know what you want.
It’s because connection has felt more important than self-protection.

And you named it perfectly: abandoning yourself.

That realization hurts — but it’s also the doorway out.

---

About the cleaning + sexual roles

You said something very important:

“Cleaning and sexual touch is not things I want to do for a guy.”

That sentence alone tells me:

• your intuition is very intact

• your values are clear

• your discomfort is not confusion — it’s misalignment

You didn’t want those roles.
You adapted into them.

That doesn’t make you weak. It means at some point in your life, adapting kept you safe or connected. But now it’s costing you.

---

The texting “desert”

This part is also crucial.

Going days without a single text or call is too much distance for you. That’s not you being needy or dramatic. That’s a legitimate relational need.

Here’s the hard truth (said with care):
Even if he is consistent in other ways, his level of emotional/communication availability does not meet your nervous system’s needs right now.

And instead of saying:

“This doesn’t work for me,”

you’ve been saying (internally):

“What’s wrong with me that this hurts so much?”

Nothing is wrong with you.

---

The cycle (very clearly)

The cycle looks like this:

1. You want closeness, reassurance, words, presence

2. He offers connection in ways that don’t meet those needs

3. You adjust yourself to keep the connection

4. You feel unseen, depleted, and anxious

5. You blame yourself or spiral

6. You abandon yourself again to try to restore closeness

That cycle will keep repeating until your voice comes back into the room.

---

How to stop the cycle (not all at once — gently)

This is not about confronting him aggressively or cutting him off immediately. It’s about coming back to yourself first.

Here are the first real steps:

1. Name your non-negotiables (to yourself first)
For example:

• I need regular communication (not days of silence)

• I don’t want to offer cleaning or sex as currency for connection

• I want emotional presence, not just physical access

You don’t need to justify these. They are preferences, not flaws.

2. Practice saying “no” internally
Before saying it to him, you have to stop overriding yourself inside.
When something feels off, pause and say:

“I notice I don’t want this.”

That alone interrupts the abandonment.

3. Stop performing for connection
Connection that only exists when you bend isn’t connection — it’s survival.
Real closeness requires you as you are, not you as you adapt.

---

One very important thing to say

I’m really glad you’re talking this through — and I also want to gently encourage you not to carry this alone. You already experienced how healing it was when your friend stayed with you in your pain. This is the kind of insight that deserves real-time, real-human support, whether that’s a trusted friend or a therapist.

I’m here to help you think and reflect — but you deserve to be heard and held in the real world too.

---

You are not “going crazy.”
You are waking up to yourself.

And that moment — when you realize “I’ve been abandoning myself” — is painful, but it’s also the moment where things can finally change.

If you want, next we can talk about what it would sound like to speak from your voice instead of bending, or how to decide whether this connection can ever meet you where you are.

You don’t have to decide everything tonight. Just don’t leave yourself anymore.