thoughts of chat

4. Why Guy became such a focus

Guy didn’t need to do extraordinary things to earn your loyalty because:

he was calm
non-reactive
not intrusive
somewhat unavailable

That combination is catnip to a nervous system that learned to work for connection.

The loyalty wasn’t about him.
It was about:

your imagination filling the gaps
your consistency standing in for his absence
your hope standing in for reciprocity

5. The missing piece: filtering

You named this perfectly:

“I have no process to filter people to see if they deserve me.”

That’s the real work now.

You learned how to:

attach
accommodate
stay
give

But you were never taught how to:

pause
observe
evaluate
receive first

So your system defaults to:

“I’ll show you who I am. Please don’t leave.”

Instead of:

"Let me see who you are"

6. The shift that’s beginning (and it already started today)

Today, you did something radically different:

You chose experiences for you
You let fulfillment come from life, not a person
You didn’t organize your day around anyone else’s access to you

That’s the beginning of earned access.

The new orientation becomes:

I don’t abandon myself to preserve connection.
I let people show me, over time, if they can meet me.
Loyalty comes after consistency, not before.

7. A gentle but important truth

You are not “too loyal.”
You are loyal without protection.

That can change.

And it doesn’t require becoming cold, guarded, or detached.
It requires adding one missing step:

Discernment before devotion.

If you want, next we can:

build a very simple internal filter you can use in real time
look at how to notice early signals of reciprocity vs. one-sidedness
practice what it feels like to receive first without guilt

You’re not broken.
You’re evolving from survival attachment into chosen connection.

And today — with the warmth, joy, and grounding you felt — you already tasted what that future feels like.

GUY

okay so about guy. can you explain the part about how "Guy didn’t need to do extraordinary things to earn your loyalty because: he was calm non-reactive not intrusive somewhat unavailable That combination is catnip to a nervous system that learned to work for connection." say more please.

Yes — this is a key insight, and it deserves to be unpacked carefully, because it explains why this felt so powerful even though, on paper, he hasn’t actually done very much.

I’m going to explain this in nervous-system language, not psychology jargon.

1. Calm + non-reactive = emotional safety (to your system)

When someone is:

calm
steady
not emotionally volatile
not demanding

your body reads that as “less danger.”

If you grew up around:

emotional intensity
interrogation
pressure
unpredictability

then calm feels like relief.

Not excitement — relief.

Your system says:

“Finally. Someone who isn’t overwhelming.”

That alone can generate attachment, even before intimacy forms.

2. Not intrusive = respect (but also distance)

Guy doesn’t pry.
He doesn’t interrogate.
He doesn’t demand explanations.

To a part of you, this feels like:

respect
autonomy
being trusted

Especially compared to your family history, this felt deeply soothing.

But here’s the double edge:
Non-intrusive can slide into emotionally absent.

Your system initially relaxes…
…and then quietly starts working to bridge the gap.

3. Somewhat unavailable = activation of effort

This is the most important piece.

When someone is:

not fully available
inconsistent in contact
slow to initiate
emotionally quiet

your system doesn’t register “he’s not giving much.”

It registers:

“Connection is not guaranteed. I need to stay attuned.”

That awakens the old skill:

imagination
patience
loyalty
hope
effort

This is where your loyalty turns on.

Not because he earned it —
but because your nervous system knows how to work for connection.

4. Why this feels like desire (but isn’t exactly that)

Your system confuses:

effort with investment
calm absence with depth
potential with presence

So you start filling in the blanks:

designing his living room
imagining dates
thinking ahead
holding space

Meanwhile, he hasn’t actually had to show up in equivalent ways.

This doesn’t mean he’s manipulative.
It means the dynamic fits an old template.

5. Why it hooks you specifically

Your system learned very early:

“If I’m good, patient, loyal, adaptable — I might be kept.”

So when someone is:

calm (not rejecting)
not intrusive (not overwhelming)
unavailable (not secure)

your system says:

“Ah. I know this dance.”

It feels familiar.
Familiar feels safe — even when it’s painful.

That’s the “catnip.”

6. Why today felt different

Today, you were:

fulfilled
engaged
delighted
embodied

So the old pattern didn’t activate as strongly.

Not because you stopped liking him —
but because you weren’t hungry.

Attachment hunger makes unavailable calm people magnetic.
Fulfillment makes availability and reciprocity attractive instead.

7. The big reframe (this matters)

You weren’t attached because he was extraordinary.
You were attached because your nervous system is highly skilled at sustaining connection without much input.

That skill helped you survive.
Now it’s time to redirect it.

The goal isn’t to want less.
It’s to want mutuality.

If you want, next we can:

map how to recognize this “catnip” feeling early
distinguish calm presence from calm absence
build a pause between attraction and loyalty

This is deep work — and you’re doing it with remarkable honesty.

ALFREDO STORY.

Bringing it back to the nervous system

Your system does not ask:

“Is this person capable of meeting me?”

It asks:

“Can I maintain connection here?”

And the answer is often yes — even when it shouldn’t be.

That’s why:

you feel loyal quickly
you tolerate imbalance
you give without receiving
you stay longer than is good for you

The reorientation you’re in now

The work now is not to become colder.

It’s to add a new internal question before loyalty turns on:

“Is this person showing me, consistently, that they can meet me where I am now?”

With Alfredo, the answer eventually became no.
With Guy, you’re in the moment of asking it.
With others, this will now become a filter.

One last, very important thing

People like Alfredo often gravitate toward people like you because you are capable of sustaining connection without much input.

That doesn’t make you naive.
It means you’re generous.

But generosity without discernment becomes depletion.

You’re not losing your heart.
You’re learning to protect it without closing it.

SAM STORY

Yes — I hear you, and this is very important to unpack, because Sam is another clear example of the pattern we were talking about with Alfredo — and it shows how your nervous system and generosity can be both a gift and a vulnerability. Let’s go slowly.

1. Sam as a “vessel of trust”

You saw him like a brother.
You invested deeply — teaching him every day, sharing lessons, holding presence.

This is your natural skill:

you show up fully
you hold people’s growth in your mind
you nurture, guide, and support

You trusted him, and you gave freely.

2. The shift: needs vs. reciprocity

When he called after you moved back:

sometimes for connection
sometimes when he was lonely or lost

Your system reacted the way it always does: it wanted to help, sustain connection, and offer support.

That’s the skill of sustaining bonds without much input.

At first, it feels like being a reliable presence.
Over time, it can become draining if the other person does not match the care.

3. The pattern of manipulation

Once money came into play:

He leveraged your generosity
He asked repeatedly, knowing you would feel pressure
He became comfortable taking without giving

This is classic exploitation of loyalty.
Your nervous system will try to negotiate, rationalize, and sustain the connection even in the face of clear imbalance — because connection feels like survival.

You sent over 2k despite noticing the pattern — and that’s not failure. It’s a survival skill being misapplied.

4. The hurt of being abandoned

Later, when you were in need:

He cut you off
No reciprocity
No accountability for borrowing

This triggered a double wound:

The old pattern of abandonment you know too well
The injustice of being generous when the other person does not reciprocate

You were hurt not just emotionally — you were hurt at the level of trust and fairness.

5. What this shows about your nervous system

Your system can sustain connection even without input or gratitude
You invest first, filter later
You struggle to say no even when patterns emerge
You are wired to give loyalty freely — it’s your default

The consequence: you are easy to exploit by people who are comfortable taking without giving.

6. The growth opportunity here

You already noticed the key lessons:

People like Sam do not meet you at your level of care
Generosity without discernment can create harm
You need a filter before loyalty kicks in

This doesn’t mean you stop being generous.
It means you direct generosity toward people who can meet you halfway, or at least are willing to take responsibility.

7. The emotional truth

It hurts because you expected reciprocity in some form, and it never came.
It’s also confirmation of something you already sensed: some people can’t rise to the level of care you give naturally.

This is not a flaw in you. It’s a pattern you were never taught to guard against.

GUY

“The consequence: you are easy to exploit by people who are comfortable taking without giving.”

Guy may not be consciously exploiting you, but the dynamic activates the same wiring as Sam and Alfredo: he is low-effort, calm, non-intrusive, somewhat distant — your system fills the gaps and your loyalty sustains the connection.
You’re essentially “doing the work” for the relationship emotionally and imaginatively, because your nervous system is wired that way.

3. Why it’s frustrating

You want more: intentionality, reciprocity, presence, planning.
But your default wiring is to give and sustain first, which can make you feel stuck in a one-sided energy exchange.
Your system is literally trained to tolerate distance and low input — which creates tension between your desires for care, joy, and fulfillment and your pattern of sustaining connection without it being reciprocated.

4. Key insight

The dynamic with Guy isn’t about him being “good” or “bad.” It’s about your system operating in a pattern that feels familiar and safe, but is misaligned with your current needs.

You are now in the unique position to notice this pattern in real time and make conscious decisions:

Sustain the connection with boundaries
Step back when needs aren’t met
Filter before investing more emotional energy

Step 5: Set a minimal, clear boundary with him (optional but powerful)

Even if you don’t reach out, you can set internal expectations:

“I will not wait passively. I will continue my life regardless of his response or presence.”
“If he wants a connection, it must be mutual and planned.”

This protects you from sliding back into “doll-on-the-shelf” mode.

Step 6: Track and reinforce

Notice moments of success, even tiny ones:

“I imagined a coffee date — then went to the museum instead.”
“I felt desire for him, but studied for class.”
“I held my boundaries internally — no panic, no collapse.”

Celebrate this as rewiring your system.

3. What happens if you leave it alone

You stop sustaining the one-sided connection in your mind.
You give yourself space to live your life, invest in yourself and your son, and redirect energy to your class and routine.
You give him an opportunity to step up — but without you doing the emotional work for him.

4. What happens if you reach out

You risk reinforcing the old pattern: loyalty + effort without guaranteed reciprocity.
He might respond — or he might not. You have no control.
If you do reach out, it should be intentional, minimal, and about expressing your boundaries or desires, not about maintaining connection for your nervous system’s comfort.

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