Somantic memory

 Try:

“If he can stay present, consistent, and curious without needing physical escalation, that tells me much more.”

Desire vs. affirmation — you’re naming the distinction

What you’re describing now is somatic memory and genuine attraction, not insecurity-driven fantasy.

Your body remembers:

• the way he touched your neck

• the way he was present in that moment

• the charge, the attunement, the felt sense

That kind of desire doesn’t come from “please choose me.”
It comes from:

“My body recognizes something alive here.”

That’s important. And it’s real.

Where I wanted to gently deepen it — not override your experience — is this part: 

Why it still feels charged

Even when desire is genuine, it can become amplified when:

• there is uncertainty

• there is silence

• there are few words

• physical connection happened before emotional structure stabilized

So the desire itself is not the problem.
The context is what makes it intense.

Your nervous system learned:

“This body-to-body moment is where clarity and safety showed up.”

So when words are absent, your body goes:

“Ah — that. That’s where connection lived.”

That doesn’t mean the desire is wrong.
It means your body is trying to return to a place where things felt coherent.

Why your goal is actually very sophisticated

This line you said is key:

“I want to hear him speak with nothing else going on.”

That is not repression.
That is discernment.

You’re saying:

• I know my body wants him

• I respect that desire

• AND I want to see who we are without chemistry leading

That’s how you find out if desire can coexist with safety.

What you’re practicing (and why it’s powerful)

When you stay still and don’t let the desire take over, you are:

• not denying attraction

• not shaming your body

• not pretending you don’t feel it

You’re simply saying:

“I want to know you with my nervous system regulated.”

That’s adult intimacy.

Chemistry answers “Do we spark?”
Conversation answers “Can we stay?”

You’re giving yourself the chance to see both.

CUES:

First: what actually counts as a cue

Not intensity.
Not attraction.
Not how your body feels.

Cues are about capacity.

You’re looking for evidence of:

• emotional availability

• presence

• reciprocity

• regulation

• curiosity about you as a person

Not perfection — patterns.

Green cue: effort exists without you pulling
Yellow cue: effort only appears when you lean in
Red cue: effort fades when chemistry is removed

2. Curiosity about your inner world

This is subtle but huge.

Notice:

• Does he ask questions about your thoughts, not just events?

• Does he respond to what you say, or pivot back to himself?

• Does he remember things you’ve shared?

Green cue: he builds on what you say
Yellow cue: polite but shallow
Red cue: he enjoys your presence but not your interiority

This is where many chemistry-based connections fail.

3. Comfort with silence and pacing

You already felt how powerful this is.

Watch:

• Does he tolerate silence without rushing to touch or distract?

• Does he stay present when things slow down?

• Does he seem regulated, or restless?

Green cue: ease in stillness
Yellow cue: mild discomfort but stays
Red cue: needs physical escalation to feel connected

This directly answers your core question.

5. Respect for your embodied boundaries

This includes touch, pacing, and space.

Notice:

• Does he read your cues when you don’t lean in?

• Does he adjust without sulking or pressure?

• Does he stay attuned rather than pushy?

Green cue: attunement
Yellow cue: needs light redirection
Red cue: ignores or tests boundaries

Respect is not about what he says — it’s about what he does when nothing is promised.