at the 12th hour

 at the 12th hour of solitude

I learned being alone wasn't too much

at the 13th hour, I learned that 

friends are things that are fluff

at the 14th hour, I thought

get a book, its gonna be a long ride

at the 15th hour, 

I said wait for the torture to settle

the upsets come,

the forgiveness prayers

and all those people who betrayed you

they start taking space in your mind

when you reach out to people to try to connect

 you better, for the life of you, call them the next day

they act like talking to you was a one-off

having a sustaining friendship, that is too much

for their cup

people have husbands, kids, or dogs

they don't have time to be human around you

in this rollercoaster ride, 

saddle up.

you better join a social club or a mutual interest club

where all you discuss is the thing ya'll do together.

I was part of a one day choir. It was amazing.

of course I was only there due to my singing ability

and my zeal for Jesus, which no one tested but

everyone believed.

the arragements were amazing, the singing was phenomenal

I said, so this is what it feels like, to be in community again.

the girl in the front, she was so silly. she just kept being silly.

she was full of joy.

I thought, oh how I would love to be like that.

I was happy when I was around them, the laughter was contagious

nbut then I came home, and my baseline is not that happy

so my body settled into the usual, no smile mood i say

whatever my baseline is, its no smiles involved. I don't laugh all the time

and joy is fleeting.

waiting for someone to bring light my way

I heard in this documentary that hey its already good here

underneath this tree

but my mind, bored, and wanting something to do

I analyze myself all the day long.why I do this and why do people do that

I do not come up with any resolutions.

I watch shows so my mind stops spinning

sometimes it does feel like too much, like a merry go round

that I want to get off

I wonder if other people have silence in their heads

my mind is like a rolelrcoaster of thougsh, they don't stop

and when I get obsessed with something, I don't stop until I get it.

I was really excited about the coffee date.

but now planet fitness has a $20 late fee. makes me rethink it

but if I don't do it then what other gym should I go to?

I told the guy about it, I shouldn't have. maybe.

john asked me for us to join them for dinner

I saw that he was trying to do sometjhing but the truth is

me and my son are tricky with food

I told him, the truth, he offered for me to cook the rice

now it goes from an invite to me doing work.

'just throwing ideas'

I just said the truth, I cant guarantee we will like it.

I already knew that was gonna be a problem if he made food and we

didnt like it. it was honest.

anyhow he's annoying by principle.

he assumes too much and is always trying to talk

before I get a chance to do antyhing

its so annoying for him to always judge and try to say something

its too much energy, usually I work best with people that don't talk too much

so that I can be the talker, the energy one.

it doesn't work when me and a person are fighting to play the same role.

Andre got mad when I told him he talked too much

he just would not stop talking

filling every sentence with stories from his childhood and such

It would have been nice to just be in the moment, but no, he

had to talk about the past and I thought it was my responsabiolty to listen

to be nice

one day in new York a homeless man started coming up to me and talking and I 

was there, submissive, listening.

that's the day I realized I don't have to do that 

I said, he's a homeless man whoever knows his intent (he wanted to get with me apparently)

I got up and stopped listening and my life changed after that. 

I spoke to guy last time. I thought he was listening

in me trying to bridge for connection

its my pattern to try and make people understand me

but the truth is, a moment ago, my needs and requests were

not important or considered.

I am the problem? I am broken?

chat therapy says he abused my openess and took advantage of my trust.

yes, I guess. I guess so