Reconciling me

 I often of who I am as who I was before I had a baby

I had a job working with kids in a school

I went to a weekly open mic, I performed so much that I got tired of it

Not tired of performing, but it's going nowhere.

No recording, nothing on Spotify or apple (even though I didn't have those type of thoughts, this is new me talking)

I forgot about that (the getting tired of it)

I had a crew of misfits I called friends. one was homeless, two had jobs and we only saw them Mondays when the open mic was.

I had a landlord that was old and once chased me up the stairs (not exaggerating) 

When I try to remember who I was before a kid (you know, that thing that takes up all your time and purpose for living and every space in your heart you didn't know you had).

I look back to me in 2013. But the truth is, as I stated earlier all the things I used to do.... the truth is I don't do any of those things anymore.

Auris pre baby had time. Time to walk, time to work, time to write, time to imagine, time to date. Available to go to bible study, read bibles and scriptures with people that weren't my kid, (didn't live with me) and pray and I yes, breathe.

Now you might think it sounds like you hate your life now. not at all. I'm just describing that it took all my time. as a stay-at-home homeschooling mom I am between lessons, meals, and ON from time I wake up (some me time) to the time I go to sleep). 

The point is, I'm still me. I just do different things. Instead of teaching a class, I teach my kid. Instead of going to bible study, I have a Lego based bible with pictures and bible story books that we read in the bedtime routine. I'm always re-thinking ways to change the routine. now we watch Communities after being in bed at 9pm and put waves music for my son that he likes and he goes to sleep right away. 

Tonight I am writing. that is new. I used to write one to 3 poems a day in college between classes. I still didn't get them published and never stuck to that. it's always been make money, focus on that. but I'm realizing so many things. I keep failing at doing things that I have no interest in, only that they make money (like becoming an insurance agent or Primerica). it was hard leaving Grant Cardone event and not having a hussle to put that good positive energy into. 

It all goes back to vision, and I have many. I always want to go deeper no matter what I'm doing. It's just in me. and I learned that i left my vision to do Samuel's vision. Then went there to help him. Experienced a person that was inconsistent. he did one workout and one meal. He couldn't keep it up. 

James taught me that I was desirable as a single mom, he said was stable because of the things I do everyday for my child. he took away the thoughts that I was undesirable as a person that has a kid. and it touched my heart when he and my kid played around. but in time he showed his character. I'm glad he removed himself and Alex didn't get too attached.