Last night/ this morning

Not for Alex missed that.

Homework he needs to bring back, missed that

Woke up missed the whole morning, missed that

Dejavu messaging guy that has a million dramatic people around and says 'i have no drama'

Keeps rescuing ex and somehow had time to 'fall in love' with a girl that used to be an escort and stole his chain, come on man.

older, not wiser and doesn't see his pattern. I asked him if he's been to therapy. left a horrible situation and didn't take his kids with him (8 year old is in need, let his daughter keep him even though she's 28 and I'm sure has a life)

said ex girl couldn't move in with him because his 'boss' made him roommate with his brother (who he also rescued?) what the fxxx? 

So boss, ex-wife, still have ties. 5 kids. and 1 of them shot somebody. and you went to jail and it wasn't your fault, wrong place wrong time. and admits all this, you do poetry. no responsibility, no control of his life. not tending to his 8 year old who is misplaced and has crazy baby mamas to the point he won't talk to the daughters he made with those 'toxic' women as he says it. 

Wow. okay. I'm nice but it's nice to write it all down.

Then talked dirty somewhat with a guy. it was interesting. I like that we kept 2 conversations going, gym and sex and he didn't flinch. I also learned that if guys only went to high school they don't have basic comprehension skills. guy's response to me was 'you need to learn English'. the fuck? I got degrees nigga wtf you talking about? and I also stay too long to explain. guy can turn it around.

I need to be more like my sister, a bitch and hard boundaries.  the girl came on stream and said she does whatever the guy does. taste of his own medicine. I'm like wow that's a concept. people got caught up on the 10 year thing and when I got off I realized I don't have any new experiences and been analyzing and keep analyzing things from the past, the only experiences I had of love. God you had them come back around to show me why I'm not supposed to be with them and thank God it's over. Beyonce was with JZ writing all those songs about exes and lovers and him. 

It's good to have an outlet and let the music speak and have people pay me to listen to my stories. giving it away for free is good for me to get out there and tell my stuff. but I started thinking I'm out giving giving my real name and info and screenshots and future people that can recognize me off an app that I was on before i was famous. the mind has all these thoughts. I thought what is the point. i was chatting and being flirty and trying different things. social experiment if you will, seeing what the result it.

Same thing of you are beautiful and gorgeous and all this stuff. then I like the people taht said everything first, I don't have to pull it out of you. Steve said men get away with saying hi because that has been enough for them. if you pick the guy, i know you already like me I don't have to work as hard. 

I was sitting in the toilet, having the dejavu and I thought what is going on here? Why am I doing this? Is this worth it? I missed all this stuff this morning, first time. the little energy I gave to this didn't make me any money or make me you know. Why am I doing this, it's cool to be able to chat with someone and you don't have to go out. when I go out there is no one outside. people stay home and go outside to work. I don't go outside to work so don't meet people. 

Miami is calling me? me wanting to pay this 20k back is calling me. and bills. and Alex learning languages. i thought what if I travel for a year and the guy that did it free, staying at people's places and relying on other's kindness. I thought, he was a man. and i thought if you really want something you just do it. if you hitchhike maybe someone is going to take you somewhere. with no money it's hard to do anything out here. have a real adventure. 

What if my boundaries get so uncompromising no matter who comes along I'm like I committed to travel with my son for a year. you can come or stay behind. I'm not bending. what will happen then? if you demand out of life what you want and you don't settle? I see Ferrari dealerships and music schools and family and legacy and a town that already has years of people building on it. not this town that has nothing, but I must admit. initially, that was the appeal. 

I washed my hair (scalp was flaky), washed trash can (needs to dry), 12:36pm, the shoes are dry. Brian McKnight Instagram he gave so much game, like wow he knows his stuff. and Rosebud she's a beautiful, confident mom and she says her course is 10x. I didn't get my question answered but it's good to know.