Regular day

 wake up, get ready, alex takes his bus

i got back, instagram waste time for a bit

put on shoes and do my morning routine

listen to napoleon hill

soemthing about chapter 6, enthusiasm and how

when you focus on what you want 

your brain power spends all the time thinking of ways

to make it happen

THE THING that makes me really exciting right now

is to make my idea come true,

pitch Neo, mr2weeksout, alixgoodenergy, and newageceo, him500

Pitch him my ideas for the show

pitch Neo, then get the meeting

Napoleon Hill said the very next thing, the thing you can do today

focus on what you can do,

and the cant do part will leave

and i said, I can work on the documentation, do the pitch

using powerpoint or word

I can create the presentation

I used to do Microsoft Word Presentations all the time

main points:

kevin hart as partner and why

(built his company, did Dave show on Hulu, black man from philly, rags to riches story.

besides that he will relate, he has built out a company that is in a position as a strategic partner)

-idea for shows

comedy show, manufactured fun, having a plan, not just hanging out and filming and hoping something good will happen and editig 

show them the format for the show

every episode a different success related topic

the 5 of them, saying something about it. in a chair, black room, in a chair, them talking to the camera

and then we film an episode based on real life and when one thing happens in a person's life

we make comedy out of how the other circle of CEOs react to it

and 

example: mentor episode.

It's so clear to me, I got a vision. and I will pitch it.

ALSO why show is a good idea:

-branding opportunities, more recognition, wider audience, and future untold opportunities might come your way due to your branding.

hahah 

I was sad and crying now started typing about my idea and got enthusiastic

and Napoleon Hill just talked about how he dealt with his father's death

he got the call, went back to his office and no one knew by his reaction

TRENT knocks hard on my door. I hoped it wasn't Ms Mary, i got her money as part of my walk, went to dollar general to get her cash portion. not nice to knock so hard on someone's door at  something in the morning.

It's Trent! he says Yomeiry moved to NJ and her mother died and she was going crazy. her son left to NJ after graduating high school. 

We went to her place, took cleaning supplies. Trent kept talking about all the things I could take. We were looking at a pile of things she left behind. I'm good.

It was weird being there when the last time I was there was in 2019 when she moved in and I helped her get the roaches out and all the things. I thought of all the years she spent so close to me and never reaching out. 

I thought of what did i do in her mind that was so bad.

God told me to stay away, I did but she took that so easily. She never called, never reached out. We hung out at times when she moved here and her son wasn't here yet and 

God knows more than I do. He knows her internally.

I told Trent when was funeral, he said mom died 4 months ago (what?) and Yomeiry just left a couple of days ago. Its Monday his restaurant is closed and he knocked because he came here to get the things he needs to send to her (cell phones and laptop that he gave her that he knows takes back).

I said I can send her condolences. He said no, no way. I said what do you mean? that's what you do when people die. he said dont tell her that I told you that her mother died. she's a different person since her mother died. She's losing her mind and signals like she was pulling out her hair type of motion.

I went to cafe euro and I walk in and like usual, there are no people. I was sick of it. Trent's words in my ear, her son liked the city life. He left after graduating high school. works as a manager of a resturant, Arby's he said. He's doing well. living with Nina or something a friend of Yomeiry that would take care of her son, keep him and her son and him would be best friends and grew up together.

Yomeiry wanted to be around family and friends in this time.

I feel rejected like wow your mom died and you didnt reach out to me. why? what did i do that was so bad that you couldnt reach out. then i thought of Isaura when Alex came to America. We had prayed for so many nights for him to come to America. When he finally came, she didnt send a text or call or anything. Lateya said well it would be ackward to reach out to someone if you dont talk everyday like that. I said but we grew up togehter, and we prayed for so long about this.

DON'T MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU, I think. Cant help but feel rejected, once again. but then I think of Tia and thats how i started my walk. i told her about my breakdown and going to NJ to get better. She hasnt reached out since or asked me how i've been. she left it up to me.

Jane knew i was having a breakdown and wasnt available for it. didnt check in on me. i remember and when i sent her messages about it, she was the person that I speak to about stuff going on with me. I tried to not reach out to her as much. but when i reached out, the words were a lot. there was  lot that i was holding in. EVEN THAT WAS TOO MUCH. So now i'm like i gotta minimize who I am.

I'm Auris. i give a lot, i'm an all or nothing type of person. drink the whole thing or not have me at all.

and family, trying to get int he space between me and my son. tell me wehre I need to live and what's best for my kid. Suyapa agreeing to watching Alex for a week and talking to Cesar then when it came time, she was reluctant. Aurks come with. I'm like that's the whole point. I kept saying what I needed I felt like no one was listening.

and Cesar with his let's keep him for a year. 

We are on different pages and I have no idea what pages they are on. but when people say crazy stuff i dont know how to react. like, what the fuck did that come from? 

I was thinking this morning of what Napoleon Hill said, no one needs to know everything about you. and i was like, but i like vomit words out of me and tell everything. i saw Tia at the mailbox and we used to be friends and I told her all that was happening with me. she might have asked, she might have not. 

I have so many words in me. that's why i was a writer. and i havnet published my findings. and i read all of Tyra's book this weekend.

Write my stuff, put it in a book. And people that take time and read and will not rush me or say that I am too much, maybe they can take me in, all of me. and i wont have to minimize. and not send my condolences even thoguht i knew your family and she died and i'm crying. 

Trent says no, she's not the same, she was losing her mind. dont send message. and i think how evil must it be, how much do you hate me. you movedd, didnt tell me anytying. your mom died, i wanst on the list of people that you reached out to about it. you have been having a mental breakdown right by my doorstep. i felt rejected like that gift i put out her window, it was there and it wasnt received. no text, no calls. i sent a gift because i saw something that looked like her.

and that gift there, all those days. felt like my love, giving freely and innocently and willingly and it being rejected, not received.

DONT TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY. Don't tell me how to take things. This is Auris, i take everything personally. 

So I came home and I wrote. I ahve no one to call, anymore. Alaka and Jane my goal was to not lean on them anymore. Find the strenght that I have internally. that one that has gotten me through all my life. when i was in the mental hosptial they took away my phone. i use my words to share what i feel. i hope to get concern.

i have this need to be cared for, taken care of. from a male. and i havent received that love, and i creid when a guy I haven't seen in 3 years gave me a ride I said THAT'S SO NICE. a ride, such a simple thing. but for me, I cried when this guy only send me $25 i think. same thing, not used to receiving love from a male. being cared for and all of that stuff. instead, I have had to learn how to walk with one leg. with one half. caressed my unworthy feelings. shied away from people that feel bad.

The guy next door. he said he would come fix the dresser. he said when I say something I do it. everyday he sits there and he didn't keep his word. knocked one time and asked for medicine for Ms Mary. I made him oatmeal the next day so his stomach feels better. He didn't come by and say thank you. I had to send Alex to get the bowl. this is me. I think of nice things to do to people and i do them.

not doing them otherwise, it wouldn't be me and I want to be me unapologetically

OKAY, THIS HAS GONE LOTS OF PLACES. this is what's in me right now. I am no longer crying. got school lunch at 12. i am sad her mother died and sad that my used to be best friend didn't reach out in this time. moved out of the place that I always felt like i needed a thank you, and did not understand for years why she would ignore me. and I was talking about it one time and she walked by, again, ignoring me, not saying anything.

Yes I didn't want you to have a sexual relationship with a married man. was that so bad? Isn't that the right thing?

did my light made you feel like you had to dim it? did my beauty offend you? I have no idea. i have questions, not answers. but what I do know, is God said leave them alone (Trent and Yomeiry). and Trent knocked on my door (he's also been ignoring me all these years and told me all that has been up with Yomeiry). Mr. Guru calls sometimes and tried to keep in touch. I'm no longer interested. he lied, had kids and wife and I get that's how he is but that's not cool with me. I don't like feeling like I'm being lied to. 

OKAY, AURIS. I got it out. started writing, all the stuff inside me came out. its 10:11am now. no breakfast still. Can put something on my hair to look nice for the lunch. Step away.

can clean or just do what I said. I haven't gotten any inquiries or calls yet.