8/19/22

Mom seems sane

The woman that is assisting her with babysitting

She's only spoken bad of

that the kids are crazy

and that she stole her dog

Mom says, they are fighting over dogs and cats

(it sounded funny to hear it like that)

Mom says she didn't know I helped 

(again, doesn't appreciate, doesn't talk about the good things)

There's something here lurking in the water

She said everything she said came true

The guy was a thug

Was gonna take her, make her pregnant and leave

and she didn't see her graddaughter for 2 years. to speak to her, she waved the Twinkies. she opened the door. it was silly, the things she had to do in order to get heard.

and she said she was immature, too immature to take that on

That the family begged her and him not to be together

Her story is that he came dressed and proper

Her story is a victim story, gets with a guy. with him 10 years.

He takes everything from her bank account and leaves them

It was sad, like a gut punch, when I heard it

Mom says Rochelle and her, Rochelle is good friend

had foot swell up, drove her up here so that she could be here

by 3pm for the landlord

Tia never said that, or showed appreciation

For me, I feel like she has showed no appreciation and

I'm about giving myself now that energy, not just keep pushing it out.

Anyhow, Rochelle was the bad person, worked and didn't give I thought

Arnold was the person that kept holding her up

She would call me everything he would pull an Arnold as I said it

he would keep disappointing her

I told her, set your standard. he keeps doing the same thing,

you keep having him in your life

You're saying this is okay

I told her about the thing with the guy and me

I confessed more than I ever have to someone

I talked about shame and healing and letting go

I said it wasn't my plan to be a single mother

she said she didn't plan on being divorced

She said there is house and a pool, all available for her

the family offered her in Miami.

She rather the family help out than strangers

She says no, she'll stay here she wants to live on her own.

(that's pretty wild. shes working late nights to leave here, but she has a clear out.

i get that she loves her space. one thing i learned, when you leave the hussle, when you come back

you are right back at the same place you started)

She said she called her told her this man is no good

the lights were off

mom calls her tells her he doesn't pay bills, he is not taking 

are of you and your son

She says, he is taking care of me.

Mom says how? she says, he buys me Twinkies.

WOW.

Definitely something going on.

I didn't see it all this time

just a hard time letting go

of people that don't serve her

The best friend with the kids that don't take showers

The friend that all the have is shared history of the past and the memories of her son

that he was there for

and he laughs

but all the other ways, he was a horrible guy

that she kept around

fat and suicidal and refused to take care of his son

I wonder what she will say about me

but I don't really care

I helped and I did good to her

and she did good to me

and now it's time

for her chapter in my book of life to end

I wanted to carry her to my next season

the things I want to do and will accomplish

are not things she can receive

life will you, darling, I guess what you request of it

have a definitely goal, a purpose.

I told her all about my mental health issues.

She said good luck with that

and went on with her life.

she didn't talk to the woman

but the woman is back because she's helping her with her daughter

What I see now is that she always needs help (and like Jane says, always will)

and she has no standards, just sees who can help her

All this time didn't know the mom was behind everything

Mom said she bought her the diapers and all the things

When she was stuck, called mom to help her because Arnold had refused to help them

she told me that story

When she wanted to relax she wanted the brain dead person

instead of me

so that told me everything that I need

and mom said once you disagree with her on something, that is it.

I said this year I wouldn't knock

time to get it together

I'm not gonna be around picking up your slack

I knocked today because they said they wanted the girl to take the bus

I want to be around people that got it together

when I was, at the new church

I felt judged

Took Sabbath one time with them guy said what about marriage

I'm like what about marriage

I'm not married

I want to be married

What's your point?

Alaka says people want to be around people doing the same thing

My thing is I don't like being ignored or neglected or unappreciated.

I always went to her, once I stopped. that was it. she visited twice.

She asked for things I was taking a class. so she found someone else to help.

this is like a whozza.. gives a whole new perspective really.

when I heard the story, she sounded like a victim.

she had warning. she has something going on, mentally, really.

its just not normal.

Guy doesn't pay bills you are in a house with lights off. but he buys you Twizzlers 

and that is how you receive love. It's like Alaka remembering how my sis gave him a game.

I felt like that meant all the time I listened to him I was unappreciated.

He got mad and I said, I don't like that you are get annoyed. he said, no stop that.

I'm like that's your reaction. he explained keep money, dont spend it.

I said I didn't spend it but I'm being proactive. why are you shutting me down?

he said the real estate class and how we could have taken it.

I said I did what I did when I went up there, why is it never enough?

I realize with him, it's never enough. after I finish one book or one course there is 

always one more. he likes to talk and I listen.

my natural state is to talk. but when i get around others that have a lot to say (alaka and andre come to mind) i get into an absorn all their infomation state. but i dont like it.

I liked today the solitude and me doing the things that I wanted to do,

put my stuff first. I kept not making the call to dispatch. 

Mike didn't keep his word. and didn't call back to say, hey let's try again.

Humility, I get that. At what point do you draw a line in the sand.

he sounded very sincere like he meant it and had the mentorship thing ready.

Boone said he realized he doesn't like waiting around for anyone. 

and I am the same.

Kanye said he doesn't like being out at night, rather be in with the family.

I'm the same too.

It's interesting that Kim gets to have all her dreams come true, even have kid and not carry.

It feels good to take the time and do the things I am interested in doing.

Fix my house, organize my stuff, devote the time and care that I would to someone else.

Getting a car is the next step in my self-care. I'm tired of walking everywhere. 

Mom said she tells me that she hasn't eaten all day but it's a lie

that one time she drank 6 sodas, it was only them in the house

She thinks she's keeping that weight to keep guys away

Interesting idea

i said what/ no? why?

well if she says 'i havent eaten all day' then ppl wont think shes fat

i said people can see what it is

that she wont eat but drink sodas and chip i told her i've seen

she's saying she will eat but will tell me that she didnt eat all day

that she gets the buffet and get 3 helpings and its huge on her plate

i said yeah, i've seen her order from there at times

and she said at night she's awake and active and that's 

when she eats

the mom seems so sane

she says she worries about the daughter and 

showed her about corn syrup and showed her all the snacks 

that she has, and all of them have corn syrup

she says, yeah she's big but all she eats is vegetables

devil is a liar

the pantry is always open and homegirl doesnt like to cook

so go figure

girl gets hungry, has habit of overeating, and no one to stop her

she grew that belly by going to that place they went to and eating those bad foods

its crazy how one summer can set you back

like the driver, told me he had a lot of money, went drinking and it set him back

spent money, truck broke down, needed a repair, he didnt have the money to fix it

and lost the business and boom boom pow.

I was like wow

the things you learn, about yourself and people somehow

One thing I'm learning is that I dont know people.

I hardly know me. I'm learning me everyday.

and I thoguht I knew friends. because i spend so much time on them

and its all memories but most of them wont stay

unless you both make an effort

Jane, Alaka and Randall and Karen.

I feel like i was holding on to them, and its time to let go.

Life goes by like seasons and you know, when you are alone its time to discover all the thigns.

Neo says the person taht he has to become, he has to grow, he has to be different.

He's at such a high level that it was hard to cypher.

like Justin, talking about how he was in a talk with John Maxwell.

I was like wow. He's still growing, he's still investing, he's still trying.

She likes her team at night. that is more than being there for her child like

she has been. mom even said she gave her the curriculum and all of that.

She has given her mother no credit for nothing. the mom is behind everything. 

this is crazy. for real.