Sad after investfest

I feeling blue, sad 

I was tired and yes up last night huge headache after. all day staring at a screen.

10am to 7pm. 

I associate with agave with hipters. (for Chris)

sad why? People successful. after the event I am here, in my house that I want to leave. 

I look up apts in Philly and Florida. and honestly I feel lost.

really lost and no hook no anchor, nothing holding me down. 

yes its good to go after challenges but if life isn't exciting aren't you supposed to find something that turn you on?

I was so excited about organizing. $300 for an ad. 

$147 for the event. I should have paid extra for them to put together that dresser.

I haven't called Mike, that's at the bottom of the list. he said he would mentor. he didn't show up, i called for what, 2 days, over and over again like a stalker. sent a message as well. I'm sure he has my number.

I left NJ, took the 22 hour train. came back, got Alex registered was the sickest I have been for 3 days. yesterday in my living room, once again, taking care of myself. only one up while I'm throwing up. and wishing I had someone to comfort me, to take care of me.

Alex and I go outside and what are we? Alone again. We go to the Chinese place, the lady she doesn't look at my face. Who knows us? Who are we affecting? Who will miss us if we are gone?

It's it okay to just be a family of 2 and not have much of a community? NOPE I WANT MORE. 

Just a different experience.

Today we got soaked on the way back. this morning after my walk I saw Ms. Wanda and the lady Rochelle they got in a car and speed past 

I know she took me around that day, not responsible to offer me a ride. weird its a lesson i must understand. I helped so many and gave rides, thought i was responsible for people. and no one is responsible for me. 

And I'm sick of it. Chris said where your pants at? you supposed to be the man of the house.

I screamed at cockroach that was in the lamp. 

I was taking the Clorox wipe to get rid of it. I checked, it was dead. not what i expected.

i killed two spiders, new spiders in the spider corner. new spiders that dont know their place. my old spider always stayed in her corner. 

these walking around like they own the place. i killed one huge one last night and i killed a top one today.

I am done with killing spiders and no people when i go outside. I am done not being in community or in a place that I absolutely love. with restaurants and activities and me having money to do it all.

I am trying to tap in, I am trying to be free. I have had 4 years I could have been a programmer by now. Jane was the one to help me get my first laptop. I had nothing. no one cares.

Is that the lesson? no one cares. You want to do something for your family? You gotta find a way to do it yourself.

One time a lady came and gave me money so that i could pay a taxi. we were out there gonna bet someone to give us a ride home. my son be asking me to ask someone. I got tired of that. Don't want to go to church and get in other people's cars. No more looking for approval in other faces.

I hung out with Ms Wanda but I didn't look to become her friend, the way I initially did when I first moved here.

I need money to make my next step possible. but I am lost about which one is the best. of course I should sacrifice and stay and do real estate, build a next egg. want to live somewhere. I look at Philly and all i see is murder rates and crime and i have a son and there's a Hispanic population in the north. they said 43 black and i was like oh wow yeah I do remember that. went to Philly, went to a target. it was all black. i had never seen that. did Philly trip with Jane. 

and before that, with Andre. and it rained and it sucked. and he did that thing where he tells strangers all of our business but he can never sit down with me and talk face to face, vulnerable face. its tiring. I be putting up with his bullshit for far too long, like the Kanye song says. 

I hate this. I want to be happy and fulfilled. my son is going to go to school tomorrow. i can get around to that dresser that hasn't gotten done. and those windows that be bothering me. dont give up, that's the lesson. get some money, get some blessings.

This event I should be inspired. maybe I will be tomorrow. 

Today I'm sad that I turn the TV off and I'm still here. 

but I wonder what is my calling? What is the next in my life? what is the right choice?

Will I fall flat on my face?

I want a partner to go through life, tired of doing this thing alone. but I know I gotta be able to let someone in. and like someone said in the conference you have to believe. Steve Harvey, he said you gotta believe you can be rich. You gotta believe that you can receive the best things in life. I have to believe that I can receive David that I can receive  a Jeep Wrangler. I just don't know what to do next.

I applied for that work from home thing just to be able to do something that brings in money. I have $195 left.

I know this would happen if I would go to the event. But sometimes, you know follow that thing. get in the room. Sometimes, it is better that why.

I annoyed Alaka again. he said wow. the guy I was talking about was in the 10x event. i said i remember him from a Youtube clip he had dinner with his wife. he said maybe i was in the hallway. i think I don't remember him. what's wrong with that. What does Auris need?

yeah what does Auris need. and Ms Madge she gets to do outdoor stuff and work stuff and comedy stuff and support and her husband and her have a great back and forth. and i know its not real life. but it sure is nice. every little character and how their life is constructed. 

It's interesting to me that in the marriage the two families became one. even though the divorce and they are the two grandparents. but like how does that work when one of them move on? their families are there, united. i like how the mom and the daughter get along. and I like how she can be with her parents. i could never but the show shows how they can all have fun together. then I'm like, oh I get it. 

And is there a way for me to be happy?

married to David. owning properties. but that stuff is all external. can i be happy now? i left NJ it was kicking me out. god said Georgia, ATL but go to Florida. that was the last word. Jeep and Florida. i tried to make it in this desert. i said f it once all the stuff got paid. then met Neo online, encouraged me to write my  book and in my Grant Cardone event i found that dream, the one that i had been working on, working through.

public speaker going to all the places. then I realized Jeremy Anderson he doesn't travel with his kids. 

i did toastmaster i kept doing it but i wanted to do something and get paid for it. 

organizing was great because going from idea to creation, all it took was my hands. 

no matter what i do, I always want to go do it bigger and better. any job ive had. any thing I do. i always want to tbe the best i have all this ambition. i wokred so hard i bank of america. they put carrots in front of the horse. no matter how far you run on the treadmill, they make you do more. you do all these things for a promotion, become manager, get recognized by the top dog. become a leader, publically speak. then Andre laughed about everything. he got to network with teh girl that wa steh top leader, she asked him if they could hang out. he was always seen as interesting. made it seem like he was going somewhere and would plug me in.

that never came to fruition. you brought the girl you said was a stripper and slept to the top to my birthday. yeah, and you had her sit down and got her a drink. acting so crazy and you thought this was normal. 

Yes my anger is raw. 

Only person i can be vulnerable with is Jane. but lately i cant put my stuff on her. she cant take it anymore. im too much, no she didnt say. we are both sensitive.

she's married and has someone else. that's how i felt as rationalizing to myself. alaka too, has a spouse. i'm an extra in their movie. I want to be part of mine.

they say help others, it takes your mind off of you. yes, i did that. I gave my time away from free that did not lead to a job. just continued responsability and people using me more and more knowing i wouldnt say no. 

no one cared where i came from or from where i go. even the day i spoke to ms pearl. she listened. but did she care to listen? am i just sharing my soul with people? everyone that must hear... am i too much? too much to bear?

chris said one person cannot be your everything. i'm trying to be everything and i'm not happy. idk what else to do.

money is gone, money is coming according to walid. but at least i paid all the bills 

Auris you are in America, stop crying. mom kept working she paid the bills. she had 3 kids, gave 2 to her aunt and left to america, worked in factories. did all she could. she worked and paid bills. lived with family until her later years. all this sacrifice and regret. kids that love you but you dont know how to love them.

the dreams you had and regrets so deep inside you, you shut it down. and at night when you get home you stay silent iwth all the voices in your head. i was so hoping that you could talk to me, but i had silent and coldness. i tried to be all you needed but you never loved me. not in a way i would see.

then i grow up and still the same. you treat me like a door, I exist for a specific purpose: to get you all you need. you yell at me, never ask me about my day, I try to talk to you and you become a tyrant. I was hurt all those years. all i wanted was your attention. dad already wasn't around. and my aunt that i had frown up with all this love she was gone. who was i going to talk to about this? you never asked about the years that we were apart. you never cared. or maybe you were so silent, who the hell knew what was going on? you married that drunk, more drama. i was the good girl with the skinny and reading books. then when i went to college what had to be fixed is that i was single. 

after college i outgrew the town that had nothing going on. i was used to movement, so i kept going to NYC by myself. got with a guy that was with all these girls but he fooled me. i was more alone with him than i was by myself. because every time I needed him, he was never there. 

i got fired, god said go to New Brunswick. give my all to the church and the studies and the theology books they wanted me to read. i try to conform, be liked but the rejection was always there. one year, no dating God said. I complied, did it then after the year met Angel and all of that is compromised. I get pregnant, I am so ashamed. All this time looking for love, look where it led.

I have my baby, he's so happy in my belly as I'm so broke and desperate in my life trying to figure out if i struggle to support myself, how am i going to support my little boy?

8 years later and he's striving. family always calling me saying to stop homeschooling and get a job. i internalized it when i got into a bad way in the mental health thing I internalize it, say ok let me give him away. would he be better in a 2 family home? I don't see my worth. all I see is their words. nothing i do, is ever good enough. 

Alaka always says only you know yourself. don't take their words so harshly. I can't, the only thing i can do is keep my distance. don't engage, I learned. text only, from the therapist.

She was so happy and full of life. I told her my trauma and i felt so absolved. 

but he went and he chose me. he didn't like all their adventures. he likes being in like me. everyone judges, everyone comments. mom cared and sent money. When I was down and out, she's the one that housed me. she paid the rent, allowed me to take care of my kids he did that. she cared.

but the way she treats me, its so horrible its hard to accept that and call it love. 

There's so many people I know go through worse. but I'm tired of all these thoughts. all these emotions. meditation on the feeling of happy and I felt again what I felt when I was with Angel. the high of the first date. the euphoria of our love making. 

happy. then i question everything like was it happy. or is life miserable and that is how it goes? I was happy before, felt like i was going in a path. got away from the people that criticized. that pastor lady, she was so ungrateful. she acted like i owed her something when all i did was serve her. That hurt me. John, friend turned creep. that hurt me too. 

I want to be known, intimately. its interesting that when people have a brand they let the public in into so much of their life. we see snipets and it all creates a story, of who they are. of what they do. and yeah its entertainment i guess. to see someone's family and how they deal with all of the stress. i loved teh way TI showed his younger son how to dress. That was a really cute moment.