8.30.22 thoughst and offerings

 today was good.

i slept, bath with epsom salt. 

Tia Ludin came, dropped things mom got me. She woke me up. I was on my meds, was so out of it.

She was talking what time Alex gets in I said 250 to 3pm. she said its 10 minutes to 3pm. I"m aware.

IDK if she was trying to tell me to be 'on it.' Like I'm gonna be late to my appointment. But I wasn't. That was her tone.

She said I have to go, I have been driving all night from NJ. I said wow. and maybe nothing and saw her leave. I called Jenny, she was coming out of an aquarium. 

She said it's fine. I'm like should I call her and explain? she said it's fine. 

Tio Dennis sounding upset. do you have insurance? no i said. he said why? I wasn't gonna go into all of that. can he take me to hospital? no, call Michael. Im in NJ.

Luckily Michael came. I was in that lobby, by myself. Saying I am responsible. My life gotta change. I gotta have a car and money and a man or somebody that can help me when situations arise. 

I don't want to have to call family or they call me or know my personal business like what was it. Suyapa and mom called. They call, they are concerned. Only when I'm sick. Good thing they don't know about the rest.

Dont be weak, don't show. I dont care. but the thing is, I was crying couldn't walk. Used Alex as my cane. He started doing dishes. Would be great if i had a family unit.

Alaka talks in circles, like that bit about i'm not gonna even type it.

Saw the movie, NOT OK. and it was really good, the acting, the girl crying. she said she missed 9/11 like it's something people bond over. She was sad and lonely and she wanted a change and she did something new and it worked!

She got with the guy, she got the office she wanted. I mean, come on. It was simple.

In her last movie, she frauded her boyfriend. He didn't leave. He mentioned it. In the other movie, the girl tries to delete herself and same, woke up boyfriend was still there.

I'm not used to that. shit I do all the right things you can't control people and why they leave.

and here I am, at 37, back pain, baby asleep and i'm writing still of the feeling of abandonment. did i get not enough love as a child? are there wounds there that the experiences of people still stab me?

I was surprise with Yomeiry and i cant even say condolences. Her facebook doesn't mention it. that if she konws Trent told me she woudl go off. he said she's not the same person, she's losing her mind. 

Trent wanted me to grab things she left behind. i grabbed cleaning supplies that it. it was sad to me, she came, she was here. Got with a married dude and her son left after a year. So what was she doing? Her son left, started working and she was here doing what? 

homegirl said she thought Yomeiry wanted a guy that she could lean on, take her out and pay bills I guess like her previous siutationships.

She called m in the middle of the night one time saying she had to leave. I leave my son in bed, get in my car and go and she leaves with her boyfriend. She called me and said she couldnt breathe and all this drama. I had to talk to myself. it was so fucked up.

I said, nope i have to be consistant wtih my character. But I guess she was a user. 

When she had to move out, she called me I packed everything. She did nothing really. She was telling me about the guy she was with and they had sex. While moving out of the place she had with the other guy, across the streeet from her mom. 

Her son had to carry meals to Broadway in the freezing NJ winters. We were making jokes about it, but it wasnt funny. the guy turned out to have a gambling addiction. I cared but she never reached out.

that time in bayonne we hung out before she had a man. then she got one and I didn't see her close to 2 years. she stopped coming to church. then she moved a block away. I always went to NY to work, she never called and invited. she was going to school. I would clal and say I'm proud of you, you are working towards your goal (some medical assistant thing). 

didn like the time she believed Trent about where to go get the driver license when all logic said I knew what I was talkkng about because I was in her same position and I knew where to go. She was like my mom in that moment, going with a man's stupidity. and believing everything they say even if it goes against logic.

She had me in this stressful situation of getting something over and dropping it in his place. i didnt have a car to get there. i had to ask someone and ask God for help. I forgot what they situation is. But I felt like put in a bind. she offered no solutions, always problems. and it was always me helping her.

It was a well that had no end.

Tia was the same. now she's working so she doesn't need those things. it was babysitting the kids so they could work. Before that it was rides for lemonade stand. and the Wednesday ballet classes I liked, Alex would go. She called taxi for that,I think my car didn't work back then. I went one time and Alex fell asleep. i said, this is it? my son comes here and we are not even allowed to look inside or see her dance? then what was the point? but Alex at that time liked going where they would go. 

He went to the lemonade stand with them even though it was so hot. I would go to Trent's restaurant to hang out. I would drive back and forth and lift all the stuff. 

One time i had a car, went to her place. they said Arnold needed to go 45 minutes away. I didn't know how to say no back then but I did say no. I was tired, wasn't about to drive that long distance. 

It would be cool if I could tell her these things, Tia. I felt unappreciated and it was hard seeing her be loyal to people that wouldn't help her (specifically Tiana's bday when her bf would come and Arnold and the house would look like no one lifted or cleaned one thing. they were comfortable in clutter. 

The Zoom tonight was cool. I missed the Sunday Zoom. overall, the best one was the girl from philly that was an investor. her pictures look nothing like her (dreads in real life) so i almost didnt accept the invite. I'm like who's this? 

It would be cool todo Toastmasters. Market Mondays, I don't miss it. I'm tired of hearing buy apple and AMD and other things when I dont have the money to take action. I want to focus on making money. That's it. Make money, Auris, anyhow you can. So you can do something and become something.

Stormy saying to the girl, I knew you were gonna be somebody, when I saw you with that cheap dress on. I'm like damn judging someone by the way they dress. and the LIVE when she cursed out her daughter, when her daughter called her out on her lie on Instagram. crazy. 

But I feel like they want to see a women out here in business so she keeps being invited to places to interview, and she goes. but she obviously got some demons and be hurt but putting up stuff on Instagram. 

I know I was shocked with the pastor. but what I realized is, its so easy to idolize someone when you see them operating in their gift, what they are good at.

She was positive and all. But when I removed my workaholic support, she was so mean and nasty. 

Jane said God would deal with her and He did. she called me the next day to apologize and instead of attacking me she told me why she couldn't hire me (she had that dangling over my head). She finally said the finality of that. And told me some jobs in the area that I never applied to. I think summer was coming and 3 months at home with my son was on its way here. 

I remember the time in Scandal where girl first lady got passionate about something and started to work everywhere. he warned Olivia when you move to the white house, you look forward to drinking this crazy alcohol drink. Why? all the liberties of them is given away, everything is for the greater good. 

Yomeiry didnt fit. Pastor lady that I admired didnt fit. she wanted me to serve her and her ministry as I was, (under the guise of serving God). Other girl that was crazy insane for real not for jokes, she didnt' fit as well. But it all taught me lessons. Like Tia Yanira said, yo lla no creo en gente. 

She was vulnerable with someone and they used that against her. i'm like great. you are done, my life is beginning. I'm not gonna shut my door and don't talk to anyone.

I didnt lie when i left the church i didnt get a call or chase. first lady sent me a nice note and i wentto the churhc. they thought i woudl be back. I felt like God told me to come, I went and I saw that I had to let go, and forgive. 

The lady that critized me the time she came into my house to give my son a suit and wanted to order me around and for him to get undressed in the living room. and so much rush. no thank you, we can walk. 

she said you dont cook, I can tell. I felt so bad because i had $13 left and got what I can. i didnt do a full shopping spree but she judged my tomato soup and my ceasar salad that I lived on back in those days. 

She gave me a thing that i hater and would ask me if i used it. i was scared to use it. i only ate it at the picnic because i was startving and it was in the spagetti. 

all this judgement around food and earning grace and you cant do this and you cant do that. and wear skirts. and dont do work on saturday and do all this stuff you hate to get in a heaven you hope you like. 

yes its grace but we are so religious you know at the end, you worked for that shit.

and me staying up all night asking God questions. and the butterfly thing, going and moving from one spot to another. and the way you designed me. I heard you voice clear as day. And when we left, the butterfly was ahead of us the whole way home. it was magical (liek that church lady that saw all these things in the clouds). of course she thought it meant the world would end.

that girl from church. Natalie. she was so nice. i recommended her for a job. she suck. she never told me. she said she could do it. she worked at shoprite my cousin job was in union city. he said once her man got out of jail, it was over. she stopped going to work. he said at least come back and finish what you started and she didnt. 

she was all about the man. the one who beat her. and she forgave him. and her dad hit her when she was young. the dad came to church and was following christ. i was so uncomfortable int he part of jersey city she took me too. We were there with my baby and I wanted to leave. felt so bad because i couldnt. ever since he was born I dont like being out at night with my kid. I like being at home.

the girl today, the view behind her she was in a place with a lot of tall buildings. she was shining bright. she had good content, that's what made me want to listen to her today. she had it, she was glowing. she had 2 kids, going through a divorce, and she was there, present as can be.

People like using the word strong because they don't like listening or even acknowledging other people's burdens. I loved when Elena cried in her speech. She didn't fit in. I felt that. she was weird and had a lot of energy. and married someone with crazy big dreams, ambitions, and impact in the world.

That's real. 

let the pull of the future pull you forward. 

I want to learn how to cook multiple dishes. It feels good to do that. there's an IG of a person she does a lot of drink recipes.And the lady, she does good meals videos. I want recipes.