What it mean tho?

 Dear God,

what did it mean tho?

I thought guy was your guy

or my guy, or the guy you were saying I should see 

and there was a bridge and then the jungle where my 

other dream begin.

And Jenny had a dream, and then Jane had a dream.

Two of my friends had dreams.

There was the butterfly, then the other butterflies. 

I thought the butterfly landed on him

and it meant, stay here a while.

I wild, like a surveyor belt that won't stop moving.

ever evolving and not getting settled because 

she doesn't know when she will move again.

I miss Rosie and Mark. but more so I miss people who

asked, how are you? and are you okay?

and they were the only people, that did that, okay?

Now I see, it truly is something, to be someone great.

No one to check on you, or to notice that you are still alive.

People if I die they can't say too bad, they ignored me while I was alive

God cares about me, I know that he created me 

Sometimes it seems so senseless, and being open 

comes with a price, the price to be seen,

the price of shame, that is the cost you must pay at the door.

Back to Black soothes me because to me

its the price of being alone, the torture of being in

that jail cell, with only the comfort of the thoughts.

and I get what bri said, I  abandon myself just like guy

he treated me like I was only good for utility,

thesame way I treat myself. WHOA. bit lesson.

Soi sat with bri, listened to what she said.

Its funny how you can have a lifetime, of running away from yourself.

She feels sadness about dad, and she wishes someone would come and chat.

What do you want, I asked? she said, to play marbles with my dad

So we did it, in the realm of imagination. It took time, it took effort.

She wants a past of a memory that did happen and I did revisit it.

It makes me cry to not have access to those tender moments.

I'm tired of looking for dad in these different faces.

I give everything hoping that they will care but 

turns out I need to have more rules to access.

My body jumps like I'm getting out of a plane, 

head first. untrained, i'm not the best at it

Hold back something like you have a bomb inside your jacket

I don't know how to act valuable because I don't feel like I usually am

You can thank my mom for that

Years of making me feel like all i'm good for is to be a maid

no wonder when people ask me how I am I want to tell them everything

because no one ever asks, years of my mom not asking

Theraphy says I have to learn how to give myself all the things.

I didn't know it was m y job, I didn't know it was possible for me to do it

I thought someone had to come along and teach me. 

Bri says, its all within me, the play, the poems, the writings.

She says, I am still here. it's all here within me. 

I had writer's block because I didn't know who's to write about a shelter

funny thing, at 40 that's exactly where I ended up.

When my sis was sick, her boo was there with her, dropped everything

I cried, all the times that year I had to go to the emergency room alone.

I saw Denise, it started an argument with my aunt

She was mad I was at the hospital and it was 'i heard' then followed

by her assumptions. i'm not a little kid don't talk to me like that

I stood my ground. she didn't like that.