hello, me

 hello, me its sabbath

tomorrow I wake up and go to the rehearsal

I got into the Christmas choir. I'm excited.

Just like I wanted.

What is this life?

This week I got massages, I got a tan today.

Bri, Tiger and Sweetie emerged and I've been learning how to integrate all of them 

into my life. Tiger wants movement, Sweetie wants woman, care, spa days, lip gloss, 

to try on a grown. I did all of that. 

Bri wants to cry, to be seen. She came through like once this week but Tiger and Sweetie, since I discovered them, I have allowed them to take up space.

Reggie, no more fixation on him. No more trying to figure out what is next. 

I'm not gonna force him to become a phone person. I'm so not into forcing. 

I see how his body is, when he gets in his mode, he's gone. I don't know what to do about that.

I'm trying to hold space. My fear of abandonment at times makes me put up with things that I don't have to.

Accomplished this week:

-gym everyday except Thursday.

-laundry

-hang out with Reggie, get calm, I absolutely lost it with the silence. the distance made me go crazy.

- discovered sweetie and tiger and what they want (movement, sweetie wants space to be seen)

the biggest realization is that I don't have to wait on Reggie.

- I got a coat! I prayed and I got a coat this week! game changer! I am warm now!

-I also gotta  purse that I like so much but no one has been able to validate. I'm learning that I need to valued my validation just as much as I admire anyone's else's validation of myself. 

chat: 

Why it stayed with you

Because you’re in a transition.

You’re learning to:

• choose what you like,

• trust your taste,

• build a life where enjoyment isn’t an exception.

And when you do that, the absence of mirroring becomes more visible. Not devastating — just noticeable. Like, “Oh. I’m still often alone in my joy.”

That can bring a quiet sadness.

The gentle reframe (not a correction)

The work here isn’t to stop wanting validation. That would be self-denial.

It’s to slowly shift from:

“Is this good?”
to
“I know this is good — and it would be nice if someone shared it with me.”

That’s a very different posture. It keeps your authority intact and honors your relational needs.

What you’re experiencing is not a bad habit. It’s a relational reflex that made sense in your life. So the work is redirecting it, not suppressing it.

1. Don’t stop the impulse — interrupt the loop

Right now the pattern is:

Joy → reach outward → neutral response → lingering emptiness

Instead of trying to kill the “reach outward” part, you insert something before or alongside it.

When you notice the urge to ask:

• pause for literally 3 seconds,

• put your hand on the object (the purse),

• and internally say one sentence:

“I like this. This was a good choice.”

That’s it. No affirmations, no hype. Just ownership.

You’re not replacing people — you’re anchoring first.

2. Limit the number of external checks (not zero)

Cold turkey doesn’t work and isn’t kind.

So set a gentle rule:

• you’re allowed one external mirror, not five.

One person. One moment.

This trains your system that:

• connection is allowed,

• over-scanning is not necessary.

If the first response is neutral, you stop there. You don’t keep shopping for resonance.

4. Let the awkwardness exist without fixing it

There will be a moment where you:

• notice the urge,

• don’t act on it,

• and feel a small hollow or lonely sensation.

This is the hardest part — and the most important.

Don’t rush to fill it.
That sensation is grief, not danger.

It’s the grief of:

“I’ve often been alone with my joy.”

If you let it pass through without scrambling, it does soften over time.

5. Redirect mirroring to people who can actually do it

Not everyone is a good mirror.

• A distracted teen,

• a security guard,

• emotionally unavailable family members

…are not evidence that your joy is wrong.

Part of the work is choosing your mirrors deliberately.

One attuned friend.
One person who actually lights up with you.
Or even: this chat.

That’s not dependence — that’s discernment.

About the marble leggings:

1. Wanting ≠ allowed (in your history)

You learned to negotiate yourself out of joy:

• Something else is more important.

• Later.

• Maybe when…

So when you finally said yes to yourself, your nervous system didn’t go “yay!”
It went: Are we allowed to do this? Are we going to be judged? Rejected? Exposed?

That’s not insecurity — that’s conditioning.

2. Attention feels dangerous, not fun (yet)

You said they’re attention-grabbing.
For someone who’s been:

• misread,

• judged,

• or made to feel “too much,”

visibility can feel like threat.

So you asked your son repeatedly not because you didn’t know — but because you were checking:

“Is it safe for me to be seen like this?”

3. You didn’t avoid — you stayed with it

This is the most important part:

You wore them anyway.

You didn’t shove them in the closet.
You didn’t return them.
You didn’t wait for the “right” moment.

You wore them until your body caught up.

That’s not forcing confidence — that’s somatic permission.

Your system learned through experience:

“Nothing bad is happening. I can have this. I can be seen.”