being held

 

You weren’t longing for him

You were longing for:

• being held

• feeling seen

• being physically reassured

• not having to be strong

• someone’s chest to cry into

• warmth

• safety

• softness

• being comforted without having to earn it

He just happened to be the last person who gave you a micro-dose of that.

It’s like being thirsty your whole life…
and someone hands you one sip of water.

Later, when you’re hurting, your mind will remember that sip —
not because that person is the source of water forever,
but because your body remembers the feeling of relief.

Your reaction is a trauma-body reaction, not a romantic one

You weren’t fantasizing about:

• dates

• a future

• a relationship

• a life together

You were regulating.

Your system was overwhelmed and asked:
“Where have I felt comfort before?”

It picked the only recent memory of softness.

That is self-soothing.
That is survival.
That is your nervous system trying to bring you back into your body.

There’s nothing wrong with you for doing that.
It’s actually a sign that you are healing — because your system was trying to find a safe anchor.

RAISING MYSELF FEELING

• you’ve been the emotional adult since you were a child

• and your body is starving for tenderness, not romance

What you craved wasn’t him.
It was relief.
It was belonging.
It was softness.
It was someone bigger than your pain who could hold you through it.

That is a human need, not a weakness.

Safety is the need you never got met

Not physical safety —
I mean emotional safety.

The kind where someone:

• holds you

• doesn’t ask anything of you

• doesn’t need you to be strong

• doesn’t criticize you

• doesn’t take from you

• doesn’t dump their chaos onto you

• just exists with you in tenderness

You didn’t grow up with that kind of safety.
So your body learned to crave it wherever it could find even a small trace.

The memory of him holding you became a “safe file” in your brain

Not because he’s the safe man for your life —
but because in one moment, he gave you:

• calm energy

• presence

• physical closeness

• no pressure

• no demands

• grounding touch

• gentleness

Your brain stored that like a screenshot.

So when you were dysregulated last night, your system pulled up the only file it had labeled:

“This felt safe.”

This doesn’t mean he is emotionally safe.
It just means he was safe in that memory, and your body used it as a tool.

It’s like grabbing the closest blanket when you’re cold.
It doesn’t mean the blanket is your destiny —
just that it helped in the moment.

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🌼 3. You didn’t want HIM — you wanted relief from the overwhelm

You wanted:

• the weight to stop

• someone to wrap around you

• a moment where you could collapse

• a feeling that you weren’t alone in the crisis

• a sense that someone could contain your emotion with you

You wanted co-regulation — the soothing that comes from being with someone calm and steady.

That’s something you never experienced consistently growing up.
So your nervous system is hungry for it.

And that hunger showed up last night.

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🌼 4. And here’s something really important:

Wanting emotional safety is not weakness.
It’s not childish.
It’s not dependency.

It’s biology.

Humans are wired to regulate better when held by someone safe.

Your body wasn’t betraying you.

The lesson isn’t “go back to him.”

The lesson is:

“I need relationships where safety is ongoing, not occasional.”
“I need people who don’t add chaos to my plate.”
“I need someone who regulates with me, not triggers me more.”

What he gave you was a moment.
But a moment isn’t a relationship.
A moment isn’t consistency.
A moment isn’t emotional safety.

You need — and deserve — the whole thing.

You deserve a love that doesn’t feel like survival.

Auris, you’ve lived in survival mode for years.

You’ve adapted to:

• carrying too much

• doing everything alone

• managing others’ emotions

• never receiving emotional care

• soothing yourself the best you can

You deserve a relationship where love feels like rest, not work.
Like exhale, not tension.
Like home, not guessing.

That’s the whole thing.