Journal

 Firstly, I spoke to Jane. It was so surreal. I got to the Amazon locker and she called. before that, I had to get on a train. I was already making a story in my head that we weren't friends anymore and I just have to accept that at this time, since I had done everything to keep in touch.

When I got to the library, actually when I got out, her text said hello long time hope you and Alex are doing well. I texted her that I have been trying to reach her for the last 30 days, please call if she can. then I walked and got on a train.  

So I got to my destination, Amazon locker, and she called and we did the whole ordeal. She had a dream for me, she said God spoke to me about you. That is so rare! Especially from my best friend, the person that I for years been practicing how to be vulnerable in front of. She was overjoyed by my testimony, the safety with her was still there. I told her, without apology or edits, everything that happened (highlights). Straight, no chaser.

She told me the dream, and at that time I started walking to Alex's school. She said something very important and in that moment, the cars were beeping like crazy. I told her to hold on, and I said, "Shut up, New York!" and after I said that, the beeping actually stopped from the cars. She thought it was hilarious so she laughed. 

But I'm trying to remember what it was, because to me it was the most important. She said, God has brought you a safe person. I see you guys dating, I see how comfortable you are with him. God has brought you a safe person (this feels so good to hear from you, papa). You will practice being vulnerable with him (I think that's what she said when the cars started going off). It was so interesting because Jane was the first person, God sent, into my life and I think out whole friendship I was getting used to being my full authentic self, I talk about God, God is the fabric interwoven into my life. 

What was so nice, she said I'm so excited as if its happening to me. And when I told her, there's a guy, we might be dating, i'm not sure, its new. She said, wait I already know. she asked, is he black? I said, you already know. he's fine lol my type. then she proceeded to tell me about the dream. it was a conversation, I told her this was unexpected but I keep bumping into him. he keeps popping up in my life. and I told her, there were the signs (butterfly) and there was Jenny's dream. Now Jane had a dream! All the way from Cali! This is wild. 3 messages, all saying, like the butterfly, stop here, you can rest here. You can be yourself here.

Its so weird, the gifts that life can bring. Unexpectedly. Jane said, she was surprised and she thought she was wrong int he dream. She said, wait, isn't Auris supposed to be waiting? But this was confirmation. Jenny's dream was the charge: I am allowing you to be with him and after this, the bridge and we go to this moment. Jane's dream: I have picked for you a safe person. It was clear, Jane's dream interpretation came with words. An image and mostly words. It was comforting message, the approval I had been seeking from father. 

Now about the dream I just woke up from, I woke up and I prayed over Cesar and his family. I said I forgive you, I release you. I forgive you for not loving me the way I deserved.

So in the dream, they had paid for a whole Christmas spectacle. After I woke up, I realized I wasn't impressed. the reason is, that's not my values, buying up a whole bunch of Christmas scenery. I value connection, and in the dream just like in real life, I didn't feel connection. I walked in and everyone was blown away by the stuff, and looking at it, and being in awe of it. then it rained and everyone started going down the hill in the rain (their poor activities, it was so weird like you bougie then at rain you get on concrete and come down). it was Suyapa's side of the family doing that tradition obviously. 

Then after it all, my brother appears. He says, kind of with an assumption that I came and I have no car and now way to get home, the assumption that he has is that he will give me a ride. he says, I have a computer that I have to bring back to the office. the precursor is, I will give you a ride because you have no way to get home, but it will be a bother to me, as I have to get this computer back. when he said I have no idea where you live, when I woke up I realized it was him flexing, like I have this huge house, look at all the things I can buy. and the job mention was him taking note how he pays for it all: with his job.

its almost like he wanted/was begging for my validation. these things don't impress me so it missed me.

so me and Sam (I went there with Sam) we go into this garage with huge luxury cars and we are looking for a car. after a while and I see a ghost (I see the reflection of mom in the mirror but she's not there in the hallway to reflect it)  so I kind of scream, GHOST! and me and Sam rush to get out of there. it was already creepy though because it was a garage and it was dark and as you walk, it lights up revealing what was inside. Once me and Sam are out of the garage, I realize, I don't need a ride from Cesar! That was all his assumption and I guess due to my role in being submissive, I was going for that. But the truth is I didn't need him!

I feel God winking at me, so I never needed Cesar huh? I guess my whole life as he's the golden child, the one with money that assumption was there. But I don't need nothing from his Kingdom. 

So I wake up and I see the pattern of abuse. the fact that he walked up to me, he was saying with a smile, with no shame how he had no idea where I lived. it was my responsability to tell him where I lived. that shows a lack of concern for me and my needs. the underlying thing was, I have all this money for this house and to buy these Christmas things and these cars, and I got the dig when I woke eup, you probably are in a hut somewhere, unstable and I cant be concerned with where you life next. his house means stability, I will always live here, him not knowing was saying, you are moving constantly, you are unstable. interesting, I didn't see the code when it was happening.

Anyhow, the whole thing was vain. they (his family) connect by doing these big gestures but its not enough, its like idols I think. they want people to come over and admire it, it cements their role, we are the good ones, the stable ones, we are better. but I refuse to do this idol worship. I refuse to bow down to their Gods. I don't know why i'm typing it this way. But I don tvalue the material things and don't acknowledge and get excited about the things they get excited for. I see now how me not going to their house for the the past 2 years broke their pattern: they are dependant on people's praise. its almost like it means nothing unless other (poorer) people can't come over and see the spectgable. 

The whole time I was there, there was not one warm conversation, not one person checking on me or Sam. it was all about, check out the Christmas lights and all the stuff and take pictures. it was all like worship this thing, look what we bought with OUR MONEY. Does God ever get any praise? No, its all bout Cesar and "HIS JOB." 

So interesting. what do I value? people looking at me int he eye, people showing me respect (that was lacking in the dream.) I see how me not going to their house was not received well. I didn't join and was not part of their worship. Maybe that's why Lesly kept in touch and mom keeps in touch with them and I kept being left out. Everyone plays their role, Lesly was so excited about Suyapa and what Suyapa does in her household. I don't recall her ever being that excited for her own household or mine stuff. I did a birthday for Alex, and all she could do is find fault. There was actually nothing to find fault with it, I did so many things and she was shocked all the ideas and all the creative things I did. But when she said it that day, she said, I wish you would save your money. Trying to put me down and how I spent $1 on her earring. I need to talk to the chat about that.

Anyhow, I prayed, it is done. they are done. I wont worship your idols and your Gods. I am sorry you are finding so much satisfaction in things. and I know you don't realize it. You praise me with your lips but your hearts are far away from me, the Bible scripture says. Interesting.

I don't fit that dynamic. I just don't. I also saw show it was abusive the way Cesar talked to me. no appreciation I was there or I came, he used the opportunity to dig at my living situation (I didn't see it in the dream while it was happening) the message beyond the words. they definitely compare. and it makes them feel good I'm doing bad I guess. they probably share my life as a cautionary tale. joint is crazy, really.