Sabbath

 Let's talk about it. its 3pm on a Saturday. I am sabbathed out. I took a nap. I felt all this energy in my body (guy). I don't know what to do with that energy. I told myself for tiger to come out. 

It came out, I pictured it. It had words.

It said it just wants to play, it wants to move, it wants touch. It felt how I was in my physical body, in the bed, not moving. It wants movement. It said that's why it shows up at night, unused energy. I hear you, I just don't know what to do with you.

That's the only one that came out. Sweetie, I know she wants to be treated like a lady. She wants a date. Will that date come? I don't know.

I was thinking about money, God should I go around and sign around the city? Should I expend energy there? or shall I keep being still and waiting for you to provide? Is my income too low for NY? Can I make it until Wednesday with no more money coming in? I checked the apps and there is one more to use. 

I still don't have a food plan. the only plan is really a fantasy that maybe in the future Guy can allow me to use his kitchen so that I can meal prep. The only problem with that fantasy is i'm not sure how much food I can store in my tiny fridge. I DON'T KNOW.

I'm Auris, the problem solver. but these problems evade me. and there is the Angel problem.

find out where he lives. Zari did give me a website, I have no energy for this at this time.

Things i'm actively avoiding on purpose:

Jane and Lee text, I'm trying to text back when i'm ready. It's  a weird boundary but I'm trying to get out of the pressure myself of answering so much right away.

Jenny called and she had something to say, we got derailed with talking about spa days. she said the time that we both are in, sacrificing, not going out much, being there so much for my babies. She said its worth it. Something like that. 

Maybe I should call Millie? Maybe I can go over? I don't know, Lord, Sabbath is getting difficult right now.  She is an amazing mother, for real. I miss Jackie. I would hang out with her, there was no one else. 

The barber guy just wanted to use me. just like i'm trying to get one date out of a guy, he wanted a massage and a kiss I guess. He needed that validation. I'm happy that I was able to provide that, if that's all he wanted. I learned that night, when I came back home, God said I am not to offer the massage thing.

With guy, I didn't even think of that when I was around him. I was so trying to fix his frustration in that moment when he suggested I massage his back, I just did it. 

Maybe I do have wounded little girl energy right now .I was having fun a while ago. A big part of me wants to play. I'm in New York, in Harlem more specifically, looking out a window into a brick building on the other side. The people I see everyday is the deli people and the crossing guard. They are all the family I have right now. All my friends are a phone call away and many many miles away. 

Paperwork seems faint. My keychain has a world and a plane in it. Bronx tale is expressively racist, I wasn't expecting that. But that's what I like about stories, they just are. They don't apologize. They just are.

My hair, I cant fix it. Its kind of not driving me crazy but when I look in the mirror it kind of does. My hair is always like an equation to solve. and don't get me started on the laundry I will have to do tonight which I already know I will probably fight because my son will do nothing to help me, curse of my life.

It's not his fault MOM doesn't get to play. I took myself out on dates but not this week. I was crying a lot this week. According to my calendar, I had a entire breakdown on Monday. There are unexpressed frustrations and things inside me that only my body knows. I am trying to give myself everything I can. Sometimes I wonder if its not enough. I can spend all day being calm then my son does something and I lose control.

Oh yeah, I forgot about lawlessness. What are we going to do about him? Fast and pray, Fast and pray.

no Aloe Vera juice, that's a disaster.  A lady in IG said, fast and pray, that's all you need to learn to do. Fast and pray. God gave me a wild revelation yesterday, through Jane's dream and there was the Jenny dream.

God is closer to me than a brother. He has my back. I feel like i'm in an ocean, wanting to be seen, wanting to see my reflection, but i'm small compared to the ocean, and I always will be. I don't know what I expect to find in the park. maybe when I walk, I just wont feel this way anymore.  

I realize how much I use the power of my imagination to escape. I in therapy learned how much of my life was not my choice, things that were placed in my lap. things to take care of, things I didn't want to take care of. I was giving a big mountain and given two sticks and told to climb it with no rule book. Its been me and God figuring this thing out, moment by moment. 

Gregory is having a birthday. I want to show up for him. I want to show up for everyone. that is always my heart. How much to give and how much to throw away? I have so many words. Maybe that's the writing gift in me. Guy is quiet and observant. He really is into physical. He is able to talk in the language that I struggle to speak. But I try and meet him there, tiger comes out and play. Problem is tiger wants more, he always wants more. How to control him? but he just wants roughness, to play, to be touched, to conquer someone. I understand, tiger. I am sorry I don't know what to do with you. 

They say learn how to validate yourself, learn how to not look for it in others. WELL HOW DO I DO THAT? I'm outward focused, always have been. I don't know how to change that.

Its like I'm a mirror and no one comes out and play. I have so much to offer. maybe I should put it in a book. when people are bored, maybe they will read me.