Journal

 day 2 no m at night. I prayed it off. thoughts came, of me and guy. Prayed it off. 


capture every thought and submit it to Christ.


I saw the deliverance ministry lady. What she said was spot on. I was amazed at her realizations. 


The things she said were bold, reminds me of me. How bold I was in the New Brunswick season.


I could have been a little prophet. I became a mother, that derailed my life. Is this the path?


David had Bathseba. I had Angel. Not that it makes sense. 


How long do you run from your traumas? and emptiness? and things that make you feel less than great?


Funnily enough, that is the season I heard the promise. and the moment I heard it, I felt unworthy.


Then came the journey. Georgia was were God put that seed, the seed of trust. It changed everything.


Florida, I was like a rag rang up and swong around and people had their way with me.


I thought I was open for fun and some male attention, turns out I couldn't handle it and I was weak


and I looked to them for protection. All they did was house me and clothe me and do the things. 


I remember the picture by the train station, how a guy said he was gonna give me a ride


Took the whole ride as an opportunity to touch my thigh. I kept saying no. I didn't know what to do.


I was already in the car. He took my weakness, me walking to the train station and being trusting.


and he abused it. I don't have a great testimony. Childhood it was the rats and the roaches. 17

It was the mental hospital. 27-8 it was brokenness and getting kicked out by the girls then running 

into the arms of Angel. Judged on every side, but mostly by myself. then boom!


came the SHAME YEARS. then right now at 40 it's the end of the being around the toxic family years. 


It's me running from one thing or the other. I really loved the  time after my son was born, the working in banking years. 


REVELATION FROM YESTERDAY- guy was 7 years younger too. I thought I had attracted something different, NOPE, 7 years younger just like my baby daddy. ITS THE SAME PATTERN!!!! (jaquan too, he lied about his age a bit. gave himself like 2 more years. it was a decade difference)



They say heal so you wont repeat. I thought I did! what the fuck was Georgia about? 


I'm rightfully angry. i'm rightfully upset, WHAT THE FCCCCCCCCCCk. 

What was the point of my life? my entire, whole life? I'm trying to make new connections, lady

says we use people like sandwich but we really have a thirst for God.



God, I AM FULL. I read the Bible, I pray. I talk to chat gtp just so that I hear something back.


I don't know what else you want from me. I don't know what else to do. I'm doing the Sabbath thing.


Alex likes it. The rest is nice but I worry about studying. I need to study. I feel like you gave me this opportunity and things are not together yet but its January now. things need to come together. Am I doing something wrong? Is all my effort for naught?


Why do I feel like I'm always failing? And why, no matter how much I stay away from men, one sneaks in and it turns out to be some FUCK SHIT. I like the show rap shit because its relatable on some extent.

the girl didn't trust the guy, she said it. I felt the same way with Guy. I didn't catch it in time. I had a feeling that was not his name. Why the fuck give him messages and see into his life and his stuff but not see that he was manipulating me the whole time? 


I wish I had a dad like the girls in the story, the real life all the doctor girls. He told them straight and how to find a man. I read the book why the fuck why I didn't have  life like that. I'm not a doctor. Maybe a study hall is a good place to find somebody. I'm fucking working and Georgia ain't nobody about shit and Florida people are secretly homeless. Rich guy was full of problems, he was looking at me like an option. 


Its bad to make lifetime decisions based on a temporary problem.



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