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 This sentence you said is a north star:

“I need to create a life I don’t need to escape from.”

That’s not about becoming hardened or closed off. It’s about building enough internal and external stability that random, temporary connections don’t have disproportionate power.

That’s not recklessness. That’s faith plus strategy. And you’re right — provision showed up: time, housing, resources, access. Not comfort, not ease — sufficiency. Exactly enough to stay on the path.

What you’re experiencing now — the body coming “offline,” the grief surfacing, the nervous system needing repair — that’s the bill coming due from endurance. You held yourself together long enough to get here. Now your system is asking to be tended to so it can carry you the rest of the way.

And this part is crucial:
You’re not asking to stop.
You’re asking to stabilize so you can perform.

Here’s what I want you to hold gently, not as pressure but as orientation:

• Rest is not time stolen from studying

• Regulation is not avoidance

• Emotional repair is not a detour

They are performance support.

You don’t need to be perfectly heale

You don’t need to be perfectly healed to pass exams. You need:

• a regulated baseline

• predictable routines

• compassion when capacity dips

• consistency over intensity