Hi God its me

 Today I have cleaning to do and there is class. 


its running on the background and its still hard to concentrate because its like they talk in another language.


So today I was gonna do what I was supposed to do yesterday:  clean the fridge, the bathroom, the floor and also disinfect the bed. I woke up today totally excited and energized to do it.


I skipped the gym. After the 2 week vacay, that feels normal now not to go. anyways,


i am lonely. I called Jaquan, i'm not calling Jenny as it seems like she doesn't need my calls.


I need people, community and that need is just being unmet here. the guy that travels all over the world

what he does is have these amazing experiences and no one to share them with. so he shares it with the world. I dreamed of this years ago. 


God I can't believe that i'm in NY and I wake up and im' in this room. Like crazy. if I lived in Florida I imagine I would have a garden and just be able to go outside and be with nature in the morning. Here its so cold my fingers were out and it felt violent. like the wind was violent to the fingers.


This girl in the deli couldn't want for her food so she walked all the way to Dunkin to get coffee and came back. she came back so red the guy mentioned it.


I called Jaquan because I wanted a human voice to talk to. Jenny seems unavailable for that. that's the vibe I get so i'm leaving her alone. I'm supposed to be in class, so I feel guilty or cleaning. I have PTSD. i'm always feeling guilty about something.


Okay, okay, girl just BREATHE. I spent the morning dreaming then when I did school drop off I tried for an hour to get off and that didn't work. None of my visuals worked. I don't know why when I think of Guy, my body has a reaction but I never go all the way thinking of him. its just arousal and that's it. then I wake up and I said, well you vowed to not do that so its okay that you didn't get there. and I wash up and get dressed and go get breakfast now its 10:43am. and I haven't done shit.


No Auris, you got up, took your kid to school. You got tea and french toast which was a thing I did purely because I wanted to. Now I'm here, I had the french toast. Now I feel the disappointment. It would be really..


I left, went to eat. I'm back, class didn't say anything. I feel regulated. I'm in bed, I was scrolling. I think a month the income will stop is secretly running, that program, in the back of my head. I ate a couple of times and got my son food. Now its time to deal with the house. I also deeply want to deal with my hair. Maybe doing my hair first is best. I need to shower because now I smell like the place and I hate that. for real for real.

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