How I'm feeling 1/26/26

 feeling insignificant

like why haven't I bloomed yet?


I had a kid, I didn't know what a toll my life would take


its not like I was happy before he came along


I was in the city with no money, no stability, no floor below me


as Jane said, all these years have passed and I have nothing.


I wish she was wrong, i felt attacked when she said it. 


there is the prophesy, the seed that is planted, the class that will launch me.


then there is the reality of my lack of discipline and learning through the method of

listening to the class. reading books and studying will do me better. but I've been running around

doing so many errands, that has been it. 


anyhow Mona said in spring maybe we can hang out. Sam gave out my # without my persmission.


I feel discarded, like there is no urgency to see me, there is no happiness when my name comes up. 

she discarded me that is true, as soon as I had a kid, she called me one day and offered a non profit for some reason and said 'God is in this!' and she hung up.


When Rebecca wanted to marry, she was against it. when the guy wanted to preach, she was against it. 

when everyone had to grow and move on, I feel like she was against it. Rebecca was truthful. 

she was broken, but she told truth most times. 


Rebecca, that girl that messed me up. got close to me like a sister and she didn't have the character and 

loyalty I required. Its hard to be let out, to let go of all you know. close to a family that is toxic

but who knew? its been a lifetime to find out.


My sister is part of a close knit family. I am not part of that family. they call each other for decisions,

I had no idea. 


I feel rejected Lord, overlooked. I see all this greatness in me that no one else sees.

I see me successful and i'm 40 and i'm not giving up of course. 

a desire to sign, no, more like a desire to be known, to be recognized, to be seen as great. 


Maybe she feels guilt for how she treated me. maybe shes not happy to see me. 

who knows? does anyone wonder about me?


God says, you have your son he completely adores you. Do you need more?

I don't know. I feel ambition, I thought I would make a contribution to humanity. 

I thought I would be a public figure, a speaker but my throat closes up

and at any sign of destiny I run. I was supposed to be speaking years ago i'm sure.


I've done all I can with the resources I have. I didn't explain everything to Sherin. 

I have lived such an unconventional life. Lee did not reject me because of it. 


I reach out to Sasholina. but she doesn't make herself available by phone, its just messages and mostly

me reaching out. people don't need me as much I wonder. and I hold on to the people, the few people,

that made me feel seen. they can give me crumbs and I can live.


totally, maybe, you don't want me to live like this. Jane I haven't seen her since 2021 when we rode the horses. how crazy is that? its been 5 years.she was super non responsive and now she's in LA and 

has her new life and doesn't need me to talk about the things. she's stayed the same, talking about Joseph Prince and things we spoke about before. I get it. 

Jenny talks about Pastor Kim. I already have my sources. but I hear in all of it something I've been working since Miami, don't go to me for this vulnerability. 

Who can hold it? not humans anymore. So its God, so its loneliness. 


all this years and I haven't done it. I'm still here. Survival is a point I guess.  


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