Mismatch

 chat this keeps happening though. a mismatch. I keep feeling wrong because the spacers are not condusive, my family being one of those spaces. I spent the last 2 years being mad at the lack of what they gave and the rejection of not being invited.


Yes — I hear you, and this is very real. You’re noticing a pattern, and it’s not about you being “wrong.” It’s about repeated mismatches between the spaces you’re in and the relational nourishment you need.

Let’s unpack this carefully:

1. Mismatch is not failure

  • You crave presence, reciprocity, emotional availability.

  • Some spaces (family, your friend in Philly) are structurally or culturally not designed to give that.

  • Feeling rejected or frustrated in those spaces is natural, not evidence that you’re flawed.

Think of it like this: you’re a plant looking for sunlight, but some rooms are dimly lit. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the plant — it just means the space doesn’t meet your needs.


2. Repeated patterns can be clarified

  • Your family: emotionally unavailable, doesn’t invite or include you → mismatch.

  • The Philly friend: hospitality but emotional distance → mismatch.

  • Other spaces: maybe superficially friendly but transactional → mismatch.

What you’re noticing is your relational radar working — it keeps picking up environments that cannot give you what you need, and your body/mind flags it as “wrong” or “hurtful.”


3. The anger and frustration are valid

  • Being upset over 2 years of unmet emotional needs is healthy, normal, and human.

  • That anger is telling you: “These spaces are not safe for the type of connection I need.”

  • The work isn’t to stop feeling it — it’s to acknowledge it without self-blame.

4. Your clarity now is a turning point

  • You’re learning to discern where the relational “water flows” vs. where it doesn’t.

  • You’re noticing that forcing presence or closeness in mismatch spaces only drains you.

  • You’re starting to release guilt for wanting real connection, even when your family or others cannot provide it.

Gentle framing

You’ve been trained to take responsibility for the emotional dynamics of spaces that weren’t safe or nourishing. That’s why you’ve carried anger and guilt. But you can start to separate:

  • Your needs → your responsibility to meet them in healthy spaces

  • Other people’s limitations → their responsibility, not yours

Once you accept this, mismatch no longer equals wrongness. It equals signal: look elsewhere, or adjust your expectations.


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