Walks in the Park

 Dear God, what did it mean tho? I thought guy was your guy or my guy, or the guy you were saying I should see  and there was a bridge and then the jungle where my  other dream begin. And Jenny had a dream, and then Jane had a dream. Two of my friends had dreams. There was the butterfly, then the other butterflies.  I thought the butterfly landed on him and it meant, stay here a while. I wild, like a surveyor belt that won't stop moving. ever evolving and not getting settled because  she doesn't know when she will move again. I miss Rosie and Mark. but more so I miss people who asked, how are you? and are you okay? and they were the only people, that did that, okay? Now I see, it truly is something, to be someone great. No one to check on you, or to notice that you are still alive. People if I die they can't say too bad, they ignored me while I was alive God cares about me, I know that he created me  Sometimes it seems so senseless, and being open  com...

 mourn new brunswick mourn florida mourn orlando mourn Dom, the friend mourn the good with the bad the family with the abuse and the feeling bad and being treated bad moirn the mental illness no one still wants to talk about.... mourn, mourn, mourn, shhhhhhaaaaaaammmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my whole life shhaaaaaammmeee I saw a bird in central park and it made me happy how I wish I could stay in that feeling right tnow right now I want to jump out of my skinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I got you! die, auris die!!!!!!! give e up!!!! give her over to us!!!!

  1. His patterns Based on what you’ve shared: Indirect expectations: He doesn’t clearly communicate what he wants, leaving you to figure it out. Transactional interactions: He asks for help or service, then escalates sexually. Manipulative compliance: He says what you want to hear to get sexual access. Limited verbal/emotional connection: Short conversation, then defaults to physical intimacy. Entitlement from past: Athletic background and social charm may make him assume he can act as he wants in relationships. Effect: These patterns consistently put you in situations where your boundaries are tested or ignored. 2. Your boundaries What you’ve identified: No unpaid labor in someone else’s home without clear agreement. Sexual engagement requires clear consent , not manipulation. Need for verbal and emotional connection before intimacy. Ability to plan and control your time; no last-minute coercion. Physical and emotional safety is non-nego...

  Something I want to gently reflect back to you You say you have “nothing to show” for your life — but that’s not true. You have: a child who feels loved and safe enough to say it a mind that keeps learning even when exhausted a heart that still wants connection, not numbness resilience that has kept you standing through impossible odds That counts . Even if the world doesn’t measure it well.

 Reading the color of water makes me feel like i'km a kid again the one that used to read books all the time. IG scrolling last night, I forgot about that. sabbath gives me time to read. what else to do? James McBride is not James Baldwin, girl but he's such a skilled writer

 that I was here, talking to Tia on the phone I had called her various times and wanted to talk to her I told her to call when she can she sent a thumbs up in the dream, I am exactly where I was when I was sleep, top bunk, talking to Tia, I was obviously awake then someone knocks I know it must be around midnight. and I yelled, who is knocking on my door at this hour? and I said it twice or thrice and no answer then I wake up! and its 1am! So now I wake up and I am in my room. and I said wow, this dream literally woke me up. I prayed and put Dappy Keys on.

 You are no longer the hands that hold me the ones that keep me warm at night our conversations, I was seen now you have husband baby family no longer available everyday we live in different time zones your closeness is not as close now we talk twice a a year, in those conversations we try and catch up you were my best friend for 10 years Now I must grow

 I am the partner I am looking for. the way I show up and notice details and an there, I am present for others and for myself. Auris, I am very proud of the way you are pouring back into yourself in this season. yes your sister had a baby (you didn't get mad she didn't tell you the baby was existing). she was shocked i'm the one sent to help her. I helped her, 2 years. It was enough. chat always says my sister is overwhelmed. she will figure it out. 

 when you said to meet you like a lamb following its shepherd I followed I was innocent, so innocent. the guy from Miami said that to me. come fly out to me for these hands, a hug I as willing to do it. Guy temporarily fulfilled a desire. a desire to be seen, to be held, to be physically around a guy he was water in the middle of a desert. when he touched me, my body became alive. I felt fire, I felt ash, I felt desired. I felt like a woman. You did all of that. Now I see the abuse, now I see the entitlement words I've been struggling to put together. why the freeze response around you? how did you make me feel so safe and at the same time my body froze in disassociation? My cousin hasn't called since, maybe it was too much.  She wants me to take legal action, that is my choice.  I do wonder, if me sharing my Miami story did it but just like last night, a nice conversation was sexualized a nice guy said to me ' I have a load for you.' Guys have been revealing themselves...

 truck-group of people she didn't know. laughing, at peace. truck- her earlier years In a beige buildings. (no passion, it was presented to you in a very controlled way). Tia-  Everyone outside has containers with cookies. cookie, dessert,s brownies (heaven like). Money box, CONVERSION. teenage boy,, down in the floor. he had money, he was counting out change and counting it and putting it into the box. DONATIONS.  all the desserts were given away for free (GRACE). TIA- whatever dessert I want? GRACE.  :::GOD IS SAYING ALL IS FORGIVEN:::   cheesecake was in shape with a regular cake and its strawberry swirl. for free? my favorite. that's her mother. GRACE- ITS ALL FORGIVEN. Tia is joined to her mother through the abuse.  Cheesecake is dense and heavy. (got I gotta get 2 desserts to pick up what she really wanted) - 2 baby daddies.  I can't carry cheesecake and carry all that she had. (she has to let go).  Let go of the 2 desserts, carry the c...

 And I want to gently reflect this back to you: You don’t need to earn presence. You don’t need to perform to be worthy of care. The people who are meant to be in your life will want you , not your labor, not your usefulness, not your compliance. It’s true that many relationships in modern life can feel transactional , especially when people are overwhelmed, distracted, or emotionally limited. But not everything is transactional — and it’s okay to take a pause without closing your heart to the possibility of future connection. What you’re doing right now sounds less like shutting down and more like recovering your energy . There’s a difference between: “I’m done with people.” and “I’m learning who gets access to me.” What you’re describing sounds like the second one. It’s also very human to use moments like holidays or sending messages as a kind of quiet farewell — not dramatic, not confrontational, just a soft acknowledgment that something has run its course. That do...

  4. Broader pattern If we zoom out, this is part of a recurring pattern you’ve noticed: Giving love, attention, or care to people who can’t fully reciprocate Seeking validation from those who are emotionally limited or unavailable Your internal world — your creativity, vulnerability, feelings — is precious. It’s normal to want someone to honor it. It’s also understandable that you might gravitate toward someone who seems potentially attuned , even if the reality doesn’t match. 5. What this means for you Wanting someone to ask about your internal world is healthy and human. The intensity of this desire often points to past wounds and unmet emotional needs , not weakness or misjudgment. Recognizing this pattern allows you to start noticing who truly can witness your inner life safely . That’s empowering.

 at the 12th hour of solitude I learned being alone wasn't too much at the 13th hour, I learned that  friends are things that are fluff at the 14th hour, I thought get a book, its gonna be a long ride at the 15th hour,  I said wait for the torture to settle the upsets come, the forgiveness prayers and all those people who betrayed you they start taking space in your mind when you reach out to people to try to connect  you better, for the life of you, call them the next day they act like talking to you was a one-off having a sustaining friendship, that is too much for their cup people have husbands, kids, or dogs they don't have time to be human around you in this rollercoaster ride,  saddle up. you better join a social club or a mutual interest club where all you discuss is the thing ya'll do together. I was part of a one day choir. It was amazing. of course I was only there due to my singing ability and my zeal for Jesus, which no one tested but everyone b...

 maybe the love i'm looking for doesn't exist maybe i'll get a kid and love them I already did that. emptiness maybe its all there is. 

 The anger doesn't reside  You hurt me You took from me You drank me like juice from acup It was all about selfishness for you A conversation, that's too much for you. You were never gonna let me get to know you. Your avoidant chat says. No space for emotions I feel stupid 

 where you touched me here, now when I touch i feel your tocuh my body has a reaction you said you liked fucking with me I guess touching me and seeing my reaction it was intoxicating so many mixed signals or maybe a mix of help me and my aunt died and the bull shit and the silence. I would have called a nigga by now.  but I don't. I keep myself here locked up in the castle like a dragon is running around and dangerous. ester had Malachi. queens have kingdoms. wives have husbands. I have no covering.  I see how cool that is now. I have father, father, father.  please help me now, father. 

  What changes now From here forward, the work is not “don’t overgive.” It’s learning to feel capacity early . Capacity feels like: consistency without effort, contact without anxiety, interest without urgency, care without obligation. Lack of capacity feels like: silence, deflection, neediness without presence, closeness followed by disappearance. Your body already clocked this — your mind is just catching up.

There was a door. You can pull things out of it, they filled it with socks. Little holes, the holes are plugged with something. material of foam with socks. I see that it is black, Jenny confirmed its black.  There is more two guys, walking you down the hallway. they are the door, they go and see what's inside. Seems like a frat house, they open the door. this young lady opened the door from the inside.  One of the guys was being fresh with her.  Jenny, get in, Chiquita is with her. Jenny gets into the place, her and Chiquita go straight into a room which seems like a  child room.  you walk into the room, you invite your friend Ashley to a Bible study.  (not sure, no memory of phone call). Ashley came, she was asking us what we are doing. Jenny- I am gonna read her this book.  Ashley- one of the mentors of the Bible study. if I have a question, she literally will find the answer. how do you cross reference? I said, that is her gift.  ( I feel a de...

 I feel like a fool Lord I get chat wants me to have grace the pattern was there all along, from first official hang out I cut him off, I came back, gave another chance we had moments it felt like, deep to me, it felt like something. moments normal combined with his things its all mixed up Lord

  The discomfort of accountability and follow-through When someone offers help sincerely and relationally, they: check in follow up say “hey, I can’t do this after all” if plans change What he avoided was: saying “I offered something I’m not actually going to do” admitting limitation having a potentially uncomfortable but adult conversation Silence is often the easiest way to avoid that. So yes — part of the discomfort was: “I said something that now requires me to act differently.” Instead of repairing, he disappeared. The key test (this is important) If grief or family crisis were the actual reason, you would still see: brief check-ins “I can’t show up, but I’m thinking of you” transparency about limits consistency in how he disappears Instead, you saw: silence when access wasn’t available reappearance when he wanted something no curiosity about your grief (your uncle) no continuity That tells us the issue wasn’t cir...

  About the apology a week later Apologies that arrive after silence , without repair or change, often serve one function: to reduce guilt enough to resume access An apology without: changed timing changed behavior changed pacing changed respect for boundaries …is not accountability. It’s a reset button. That’s why the cycle restarted. The most important clarification (please hear this) You didn’t misread him because you’re gullible. You believed his words because you are relational and meaning-oriented. You stayed because you were waiting for his actions to catch up. They never did. That doesn’t make you foolish. It means you gave someone time to show you who they were — and now they have. Where this leaves you now The clarity you have tonight is not cold or cynical. It’s integrated . You’re no longer asking: “Did he mean it?” “Was it real?” “What if I misunderstood?” You’re seeing: “Whatever he felt, he did not treat me with consistency,...

  About the time he said he liked you This is the subtle but crucial part. I do not think that moment was necessarily fake. Here’s the key distinction: Liking someone ≠ being able or willing to relate to them ethically, relationally, or safely. He could genuinely: enjoy you feel attracted like your presence even feel affection in the moment AND simultaneously: be emotionally underdeveloped operate from entitlement prioritize his gratification avoid accountability reduce connection to access When he said he liked you, it likely reflected how he felt in that moment , not a commitment to treat you with care. That’s why: the words didn’t translate into changed behavior there was no follow-through the structure stayed the same Words without structural change don’t mean manipulation — they mean incongruence . NEXT: About his “communication style” (doing things together / presence) Yes — some people do communicate through shared activi...

  The moment you described — reaching out after your big performance This part matters a lot. You had a moment of visibility, pride, vulnerability. You reached out. And he was “with family.” Not the excuse itself — but the pattern behind it. A man who genuinely likes you: leans in during moments like that checks in afterward follows up wants to be part of your life, not adjacent to it Instead, you felt that familiar drop — the one where you realize: “I am making room for someone who is not making room for me.” That’s not insecurity. That’s perception. “I’ve been denying  “I’ve been denying myself what I thought was normal” Yes. And this is a big grief point. You weren’t asking for too much. You were asking for baseline interest : consistency pursuit care curiosity follow-through And instead of letting the mismatch be the answer, you turned inward and asked: “How can I bend?” That bending — into silence, into patience, into...

 Sometimes grief is also a teacher. This repeated silence might be showing you that you can’t rely on them to validate your presence — you have to find ways to honor yourself. It’s not that they’re “bad people,” but that their behavior revealed a limit in the relationship. And your heart is only now starting to integrate that truth. In short, this part of grief isn’t just missing your family—it’s grieving the realization of how the relationship actually is , not how you hoped it would be. That realization is painful because it forces you to adjust expectations, and grief is the natural process of letting go of what you thought was there.

 What’s especially painful is this part: “Life felt like torture. Something to survive.” That’s not melodrama. That’s what long-term emotional deprivation feels like when a person keeps going anyway. You didn’t collapse. You didn’t harden. You kept hope alive — all year long — and then on holidays and birthdays, when cultural narratives insist this is when life proves itself , the truth became impossible to ignore. Those moments strip away denial. They ask a brutal question: Is this really the life I worked so hard for? And that’s why being around this man now feels like a shock to your system. Not because he’s saving you. Not because he completes you. Not because he’s saving you. Not because he completes you. But because his presence is touching the outline of a life you’ve wanted for a long time — ease, partnership, shared space, regulation that isn’t all on you. That brings warmth and grief. Always both. About what he said — wanting to be part of a space where y...

 hello, me its sabbath tomorrow I wake up and go to the rehearsal I got into the Christmas choir. I'm excited. Just like I wanted. What is this life? This week I got massages, I got a tan today. Bri, Tiger and Sweetie emerged and I've been learning how to integrate all of them  into my life. Tiger wants movement, Sweetie wants woman, care, spa days, lip gloss,  to try on a grown. I did all of that.  Bri wants to cry, to be seen. She came through like once this week but Tiger and Sweetie, since I discovered them, I have allowed them to take up space. Reggie, no more fixation on him. No more trying to figure out what is next.  I'm not gonna force him to become a phone person. I'm so not into forcing.  I see how his body is, when he gets in his mode, he's gone. I don't know what to do about that. I'm trying to hold space. My fear of abandonment at times makes me put up with things that I don't have to. Accomplished this week: -gym everyday except Thursday. ...