Walks in the Park

 Sometimes grief is also a teacher. This repeated silence might be showing you that you can’t rely on them to validate your presence — you have to find ways to honor yourself. It’s not that they’re “bad people,” but that their behavior revealed a limit in the relationship. And your heart is only now starting to integrate that truth. In short, this part of grief isn’t just missing your family—it’s grieving the realization of how the relationship actually is , not how you hoped it would be. That realization is painful because it forces you to adjust expectations, and grief is the natural process of letting go of what you thought was there.

 What’s especially painful is this part: “Life felt like torture. Something to survive.” That’s not melodrama. That’s what long-term emotional deprivation feels like when a person keeps going anyway. You didn’t collapse. You didn’t harden. You kept hope alive — all year long — and then on holidays and birthdays, when cultural narratives insist this is when life proves itself , the truth became impossible to ignore. Those moments strip away denial. They ask a brutal question: Is this really the life I worked so hard for? And that’s why being around this man now feels like a shock to your system. Not because he’s saving you. Not because he completes you. Not because he’s saving you. Not because he completes you. But because his presence is touching the outline of a life you’ve wanted for a long time — ease, partnership, shared space, regulation that isn’t all on you. That brings warmth and grief. Always both. About what he said — wanting to be part of a space where y...

 hello, me its sabbath tomorrow I wake up and go to the rehearsal I got into the Christmas choir. I'm excited. Just like I wanted. What is this life? This week I got massages, I got a tan today. Bri, Tiger and Sweetie emerged and I've been learning how to integrate all of them  into my life. Tiger wants movement, Sweetie wants woman, care, spa days, lip gloss,  to try on a grown. I did all of that.  Bri wants to cry, to be seen. She came through like once this week but Tiger and Sweetie, since I discovered them, I have allowed them to take up space. Reggie, no more fixation on him. No more trying to figure out what is next.  I'm not gonna force him to become a phone person. I'm so not into forcing.  I see how his body is, when he gets in his mode, he's gone. I don't know what to do about that. I'm trying to hold space. My fear of abandonment at times makes me put up with things that I don't have to. Accomplished this week: -gym everyday except Thursday. ...

 okay one thing is coming up for me. he said he was with his family, then he needed a day to recharge a social battery. and guess what? we are hanging out the next day. this is huge. it means he's making space for me and I guess he did miss me. (I'm used to being lied to, so I do be scanning for truth or proof at times.) Yes — that is huge. What you’re noticing here is subtle, but it carries a lot of relational meaning. A few things to unpack: 1. He’s balancing his needs with presence for you He didn’t cancel, ghost, or lie about needing a recharge. He communicated honestly about needing space for himself, and still made space for you afterward . That shows respect for both his boundaries and yours . 2. Your nervous system is allowed to relax You’re used to scanning for dishonesty or hidden agendas. Here, his words and actions align. You can trust that he means what he says — which is something your system hasn’t been able to do reliably before. 3. Missi...

  3. Absence of traditional “dates” Some people use structured dates as a way to show “investment.” Others show it through presence, trust, and integration into their life . That seems to be his style: letting life itself become the container, not calendar events. If you’re noticing this pattern, it’s worth seeing if it aligns with your own pace and comfort , not trying to force it into a script you know from past relationships. 4. What it tells you (tentatively) He’s likely comfortable with boundaries — both his and yours. He may operate from a low-drama, authentic place , where connection isn’t about intensity, it’s about integration. He seems to be checking for mutual attunement , rather than performing affection to earn approval. 5. How this might feel for you Surprising, because it breaks the pattern you’ve known. Inviting, because it respects your agency and space . Slightly disorienting, because your internal script is expecting escalation, ...

 I have a whole new life new apartment, new school. you have, silence. You don't call, don't look, don't seek.  You called twice because you were surprised I wasn't there. Its disappointing to see how little you try  when it actually requires effort.  When I came back from Miami, you said the phone goes both ways. and you were very dignified in not calling, saying I said not to call a year ago and I  guess in your mind it applied for the whole year.  How did I not see this?  you were jealous of me the whole time? am I intimidating?  I have nothing but you are jealousy of my gifts and the things I"m naturally good at? It's sad. I hate that we get compared. but now I see there's no one around and the calculations are in your head. You did me wrong years ago, took what I had. You never apologized. I brought it up twice and you refuse to talk about the betrayal. I always forgave you, that's what I do. I'm genuine and I'm kind. Guess you don't li...

 There was a whole new world but my family was around There was Tia's daughter, and Suyapa's voice and judgement. Where was I? talking about the past in a bad way I was in a new city, the whole setup reminded me of New Brunswick and how I used to walk it. I was walking, the places were gorgeous. but my family was  a reminder of the past. I wonder if I let Reg talk yesterday. Was I too much? Do I come with too much story? Do I make it about myself and without intending to? I told him a  little bit about myself. He didn't judge, I didn't say everything.  There is always this fear of 'being too much' But I am genuine and I am honest I am so focused on my goals  what I have done and what I have left is all I think about sometimes New York is giving me a breath back, breathe, be present, there is so much to do. But the work is in being still in this big city. Be around nature, I would love to go and be around a mountain and fresh air.  Yes, Reg said central park...

 I’m glad you asked — that’s an important one. Let me break it down carefully. “Decoupling receiving from longing” means: You’re learning to receive care, touch, attention, or comfort without it being tied to wanting something from someone . In the past, your nervous system may have said: “If I let someone touch me or give me attention, I’ll get what I want (validation, love, connection).” “If I don’t receive it, I’ll be left wanting, abandoned, or unseen.” So the act of receiving was fused with desire, hope, or fear . Receiving wasn’t neutral — it carried a load of need. What you’re doing now: With the idea of a professional massage — or even just receiving care in your life in general — you can: Let your body enjoy touch purely as comfort Feel joy, relaxation, and pleasure without expecting it to “prove” anything about someone else or the relationship Practice trust and presence without a relational agenda So your body learns: “I can receive. I am all...

 Try: “If he can stay present, consistent, and curious without needing physical escalation, that tells me much more.” Desire vs. affirmation — you’re naming the distinction What you’re describing now is somatic memory and genuine attraction , not insecurity-driven fantasy. Your body remembers: the way he touched your neck the way he was present in that moment the charge, the attunement, the felt sense That kind of desire doesn’t come from “please choose me.” It comes from: “My body recognizes something alive here.” That’s important. And it’s real. Where I wanted to gently deepen it — not override your experience — is this part:  Why it still feels charged Even when desire is genuine, it can become amplified when: there is uncertainty there is silence there are few words physical connection happened before emotional structure stabilized So the desire itself is not the problem. The context is what makes it intense. Your nervous system learn...

 Then say (silently or out loud): “I can care without chasing. I can love without leaving myself. My heart stays with me.” This directly addresses him, your aunt, and the pattern: “What I gave mattered. I showed up with love and integrity. I don’t need to be chosen to be worthy.” About the rejection feeling (this is key) He did acknowledge you — “medicine” is not nothing. What hurts is not that you weren’t meaningful. What hurts is that meaning didn’t turn into closeness . That gap activates the old wound: “If I mattered, why am I alone now?” But here’s the truth your nervous system hasn’t caught up to yet: Someone can deeply receive you and still not be able to stay present. That’s about their capacity , not your worth. Distance ≠ rejection Silence ≠ erasure Grief ≠ lack of care But your body doesn’t know that yet — so we soothe it. One last reframe (very important) Instead of asking: “How can I not care as much like everybody else?” Try this: “How can I car...

  4. Why Guy became such a focus Guy didn’t need to do extraordinary things to earn your loyalty because: he was calm non-reactive not intrusive somewhat unavailable That combination is catnip to a nervous system that learned to work for connection. The loyalty wasn’t about him. It was about: your imagination filling the gaps your consistency standing in for his absence your hope standing in for reciprocity 5. The missing piece: filtering You named this perfectly : “I have no process to filter people to see if they deserve me.” That’s the real work now. You learned how to: attach accommodate stay give But you were never taught how to: pause observe evaluate receive first So your system defaults to: “I’ll show you who I am. Please don’t leave.” Instead of: "Let me see who you are" 6. The shift that’s beginning (and it already started today) Today, you did something radically different: You chose experience...

 Notice the difference: Before: imagination filled the gaps created by distance. Today: experience filled your system, so imagination didn’t need to compensate. That’s why he didn’t dominate your inner world — your life was full . And I really want to underline this: “I was wrapped up in life, and experiences, and I was so fulfilled.” That sentence tells you everything you need to know about what actually regulates and nourishes you. You didn’t think of Guy less because you don’t care. You thought of him less because you weren’t starving . That’s the version of you that can: speak needs without fear tolerate silence without panic choose connection instead of clinging walk away if something doesn’t meet you And the weekly self-date? That’s not extra. That’s medicine for someone whose joy used to be conditional. You didn’t escape today. You inhabited yourself . I am happy! yesterday when I was sobbing, happiness felt so far away and not possible. Not...