You were taught

 that silence was my problem

always looking something to blame the victim for

oh why doesn't she say anything

i'm still your big sis after all

I see how you are complicit

in a system meant to benefit you not me

its easy not to say anything

when you benefit from the abuse of me

you are getting ready for a birthday dinner

I and my child were not invited

you said 'idk what you are gonna do'

knowing that you left us out

Jackie said it's okay to be rejected

great people were rejected, including Jesus

why do I want so bad to be at your table?

maybe this is the behavior that God wants to stop

My heart bleeds and keep bleeding

for a family that is set on rejecting and abandoning me

I carry all my burdens alone

you have shown that none of my trials are safe with thee

You offer no help or resolution, so why tell you anything?

you cause me a lot of dysfunction, 

guess you have been taught to hate me

Its hard because you are a part of me, years of me, 

look like me, we share the same DNA makeup

and the the shared story of growing up in the same house

but y'all do not share my struggles

my nights in the mental hospital, my nights in the shelter

dysfunction has blinded you, made your heart cold towards me

you see as a problem and I need to be 'fixed'

but ya'll don't see that y'all made me break

the yelling, the cursing, the shame, the secrets

the things ya'll never said but I always felt

the constant feeling that I am not wanted, 

when I am around my mother.

Lee said oh well, God wants you, God created you

regardless of how you got here.

It put a little bit of balm on the wound, 

on what I felt so deeply, a rejection that I guess

all these times had become the norm

I spend time with you on your birthday,

solely my idea. second time tried to meet up with you.

time is all I have to spend with you

I know you won't go toward the same trouble for mine.

you criticized the other day a gift I gave at at birthday

why you couldn't come and just enjoy it?

why are you betwixt to alchamize every good thing

into something bad? squeeze poison into good deeds and

good moments. You take a jab at me " I wish she would save her money"

always condescending, always putting me down

Guess I got used to the blows. yesterday it was "it's always temporary"

so hard for you to respect my boundaries. 

where did you learn this from?

the healthier I get, the most unhealthy I see ya'll patterns.

Ya'll cant listen to the word NO.

Every door must be open, everything question must be answered

Oh, how entitled you feel to want to be in the front seat

of  my life's recent dilemas. I must muster up some courage

and get the sword ready to slay another dragon coming up for me and my son.

I don't see strength, I see cowardice. In my life's storms you were on the side 

taking up so much energy in pretending that it wasn't raining.

pretending that I wasn't given a bad hand. 

Ya'll isolate me, criticize me, don't offer nothing. 

You did one good thing for me, and even that my mom was trying to turn 

into some weird shit. "idk why Auris would leave with a sister like that"

She used the one person that treats me nice against me. 

It's always gaslighting and we don't know, and she's weird

Why is she secretive

I realized afterwards that I was protecting you,

form the abuse of my mother towards me that if I said it 

you would have dismissed. you have been trained that way.

It's crazy that both of ya'll are married and keep going with the same shit

I don't see growth. Sorry I do not. For the first time I see clearly but unfortunately,

I DO NOT LIKE WHAT I SEE.

You ignored me. I am the reflection of all of your brokeneness. SEE ME 

Why do I go to broken people to fix me?

My sister, my brother, my mother. All set on not seeing me.

The guy at the barbershop, mimicking my wounds. Why do I want him to chase me?

People that are not capable, I see that now.

My brokenness, give it to God. alchamize it, change it around.

I am the one left with these wounds. I am the one left with these scars. 

Years of barely moving forward, a promise and a dream in my heart.

Ya'll treat me like crap.Think I'm not gonna be shit, I'm already NOT SHIT.

You don't know SHIT. I am so angry but has brought it down for so long. 

I am tired.