Feeling lonely a bit

 I miss the cafe.

Today I was at the monkey cafe. I started out the window, thinking of the cafe.

I thought of seeing Melinda, and then Yanquel would come in.

And everyone that I saw, like that guy we had the best of conversations. We talked about everything. 

Growing up in the Bayonne/ Jersey City area. how we were exposed to diversity. how hard life is, 

how to manage family dynamics. how gentification affects Bayonne and other surrounding areas.

I want to be on the side that owns the real estate. I want to be on the side of the people that own stocks.

People that predict patterns. That's part of my potential. It's been my interest all along. 

I was there, encouraging Jaquan yes that and I thought, I am sick of this role. 

I want to do motivational speaking in school. I am finally in a city where I can do that, literally in NY with a million schools all over the district. Maybe there is a space for me.

FOCUS then I think. I am taking this class. why do I find all these things I have to study boring? Because its learning a new language, girly. It has not clicked yet. I think maybe if I put the class on my phone and take the whole day like a study day, that way I will do it.

I want rest, I want happiness. Sometimes al you can do and all you have is a warm meal, a comfortable bed and years ahead of you to work away at class and reach your goals. I did it before. I know I have it in me to do it again.

There is a part of me that doesn't like being still. likes to be in movement. I follow that, I do the task. I kind of don't rest until I'm done doing the thought that is in my head. Tia Margot saw it, how did she see it?

I'm behind on my word to Yanquel to do the resume. She even gave me like $25 for it.  I want to give Melinda $100 towards the tab. I want to see if this week I can do it. I know she forgave it, but I just don't roll like that. 

What else Lord? I need to read the Bible. That's next.

I want to be part of something great, everyday work towards an ideal. Right now the last 10 years the ideal has been survival while my soul longs for more. My soul longs for family, for cuddles, for a baby girl I can hug everyday. For a husband to protect me. I would love a space where I can just create. Right now I am on borrowed time, my life is being funded by grants. By sonme turn of events I'm being given a 5th chance. To make something of myself, which in this society means make some money.

I remember DJ Cinco, he had two jobs. Medical field and his create DJ gig on the weekends. I hope he didn't lie about that. I don't see a reason. The chatGTP thing about Andre was chilling. If I say yes to the invite its taken as interest. I am putting him on ice. I said I have no time, which I did not. and he didn't show up to the lunch that HE suggested. Thank God. 

Space, space, between me and everybody in my past. I guess it includes Jane. If I have called you 8 times and you have not find a way to call me back or anything maybe I need to take it as a sign. When I speak to her, it sounds like past. And maybe like my life doesn't start until I have David in my life. I don't think like that anymore. I know in Georgia I got bored and thought of the future so much as a way to get rid of my past. 

I miss reading, I miss writing. When I go to libraries I always remember how I was supposed to write a book. Its one of my first dreams, next to writing. Singing is a live thing. Books are words that pass on and live forever. Like that J-Z song, forever young. I am immortal because my gift and my words live on beyond me. that is powerful. That is the power of media I guess. 

I saw that email from the past Andre. realizing that I was an angel and how he took me for granted. however, in the end of the mail he wondered if I could give him more time. he always wants more from me, like I am an addiction and my energy is one he must harvest. so weird that I loved a man like that, a man that never knew how to love himself and how to regulate his own moods. so weird I thought I could help, but instead I was drained. weird that I keep attracting these types. 

i ma worthy. be magnetic like Marilyn Monroe. I am her understudy right now. She was having so much fun, it made you want to join her. Like in the movie, how she was running down the street and the guy joined her, she was not afraid of being different. 

That is it for now, journal. the keeper of my thoughts. I just hope this here is safe. its good for me to type it out. makes it faster you know. BRAIN DUMP!