Try journaling

 today was hard day

Melinda, we are gonna keep being friends.

Yanquel I have to do her son's resume. Her friendship is more with Melinda. that is okay, I accept.

She became alive when she helped me find an apartment. She treated me so well, she looked like it was for herself. there are some people that are hard to help. 

I kept up with the rent until I could. 

Lesly saying is always temporary hurt. Like she took a stab at a wound.

No one wants to be unstable. At times I felt cursed. Like Moses before the red sea parted. or after leaving everything after the sin of killing an Egyptian. He was redeemed.

or David in the cages, running away from Saul. How hurt he must have been. The person above him was no chasing him down, a person he loved. 

I related a lot to Joseph, when his brothers sold him to slavery. God how does Lesly not see how it wasn't good that she didn't call? a year I was homeless. she didn't care. My brother, didn't care. They said, just let it go to my mother. There is no sense of care there.

I was in the train and I was thinking, I am 40. I am not a baby. Something inside of me still wants someone to care for me, wonder for me, want to know about me. Being alone makes me feel insignificant. 

Being people's seasonal friend feels unimportant. All the people I have done good for and goodbye. Like Isaura, all the years I was a good friend to her. Listening to her, loving her, being there for her.  

In the end I was holding her up and when she got to where she wanted to do, she discarded me. Our friends were putting pressure to go to parties. I am not going to parties. They couldn't grow with me past that. Our friendship was event related, it wasn't even due to that. 

Lesly finally asked but I was in her face for a long time. She doesn't understand that my silence is protecting her. I don't want to say what really happened. Mom is saying nothing either. Truth always wins. I am tired of being a villain in their story.

Mom made up some victim tale about 2 years ago, how I looked when I opened the door. Cesar and Lesly told me the same story. How bad they felt for my mom. How I reacted "wrong". And this is the story they told themselves, why they didn't call or care for me? As if our whole relationship was based on how I opened the door.

It hurt that they never called to hear my end of the story. My mom conveniently lies and spins a web, oh how they fall for it everytime. I've seen my mother get so comfortable with me that she doesn't even bother to hide. 

Its always force Auris to do this. I say no then the web starts spinning and she tells the tale. IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Me being around you, Lesly, going to the nail salon to spend time with you. You are deliberately getting ready for a  dinner that you did not invite me and Alex to and keep not mentioning it. I asked her 2 times which restaurant was she going to. She kept not answering the question.

WHY DO THEY HATE ME SO, LORD?

I told the guy downstairs my story. I don't know if I was supposed to. Honestly, I was bored. He shared nothing, but listened to everything. Just like the security guard. I told him everything about my year. and he just listened to me. I was lost. 

I am broken, Lord. I feel it. I am sad, I am mourning. I want to feel joy again. I felt some in Miami. The sun shines on my ass. lol. it literally did. 

I want to go back and not be broken, not be in the street, not be discarded. I don't want to flex, I just want a place for my son to live. a beach that me and my son can walk to. a life we can be proud of. Men that want to walk with me during the day, I am not a secret to be had by night. 

Zari told me some dark things, about men and an experience her friend had. She said not to be surprised that men want to sleep with me. Esther was hidden. You had me read the book of Esther. 

I showed Yanquel my religion, but then she pressured me to go to church when I was in cool. we were not committed to the same things. I don't know if she wrote me off. It seemed it was about Melinda and most times she came in she talks to Melinda but not to me. We fell apart on the keeping up with each other calls. I have her in the calendar. 

I was not able to keep my commitment with Tia Margot. I feel bad, so many years. She was pushed to the side. She was used to raise my mom's two girls. Then she was made 'the bad guy' and we felt bad getting too close to her, the story was that it was wrong. I didn't fall for that. 

Lesly's heart is cold. She's already dismissed her in her old age. I don't know how to do that. How to let my heart stop coloring. I have love that doesn't end. I don't know how to stop. and yes I am aware I have loved the wrong people for too long.

Selfish society. Work out, get better. When you slip up, they will say it. It's wrong to be right and for no one else to know it. Or is okay, like being a secret king? How does one find value when no one values me?

JESUS VALUES ME. He died for me. And yes he died for everybody else. But maybe, just maybe. It's gonna be worth something. I'm gonna be worth something. Maybe it's bad to use the world as mirror. Broken people to love you. I already love you with a perfect love. 

THEN WHY DO I FEEL SO EMPTY INSIDE?