Check in Auris, 12:16pm on Saturday 11/15

 I am distraugth. We went to cafe, very loud. Little bit of leg room. The whole space appears like someone installed a coffee shop in a hallway. There was a guy with a stroller and a baby and the strooler was so wide. He kept dropping things in the bottom of it. How did he make it? 

This guy said, we all got out his way that's how. 

The barista today was a guy, tall, eye contact and smile that is the equivalent of Eve's thousand ships for her face thing. I would do many things for that smile. Sorry if i'm being too forward. 

He was just so personable and so inviting and such a genuine smile. I wish I could have talked to him, and I thought about it but there was a line. 

When I got home from the first time I went to the cafe, I realized the punch card had like 4 punches in it. The guy looked out for me! I was so happy. Reminds me, today I totally forgot to bring my punch card.

God, remember how I am supposed to be a writer? My head is full of words. Lately I be singing, I didn't do my morning routine today. Maybe that's why I'm off.

This morning, I did do a little bit of listening (to songs). Didn't sing as Alex was still sleeping. at 8am, I was done. I woke him up.  and I read the Bible, 1st Samuel. Hannah gave Samuel back to the Lord. and she remembered where she was last year. She was asking for a son, and now she's back with a son and that was a great moment I'm sure.

I can't get Esther out of my mind. The thing says that she is hidden. 

Writing is all about the details I'm so detail oriented sometimes I can run with the details so much I get away from the big picture. Reminds me of that girl from that show "crazy ex-girlfiriend". She was trying to organize the entire wedding all by herself. Literally, all the stuff. What did the guy do? Nothing and smile and be his charming self.  I wonder why women have to degrade themselves. It would be nice to be admired for once.

Marilyn Monroe, I have been watching her movies, studying her. She was not afraid to be beautiful. She was not afraid to glow and shine. As exposed as she is, being a movie star and all, there was an innocence to her. A silliness, a secret she seemed to be holding.

In the movie, Niagara (horrible movie by the way). There was a moment where she just sat down, and she was singing to herself. It wasn't performative, it was for her. She looked alluring and she looked like she was having so much fun. The type of fun that you want to join. 

I am realizing I like the cafe because I like and miss the human interaction. Here, New York, offers many people and I am still my friendly self. 

I never realized how beautiful I am. Maybe because I realted more to Albert Einstein, I am mostly in my head. 

When I speak to Jaquan, I remember those words THERE IS NO DEPT THERE. I don't like that he can't meet me in the depths. but God did warn me of that. He just talk about things that are, the physical world. I think he's not in touch of his magic word saying, words are strong power. He got a little bit but it was weird cultish thing when he was on it. For whatever reason, I didnt like how he approached it. 

He told me about ChatGTP then started getting down on me about using it. He's all over the place. An unstable man is unstable in all his ways. I think of this scripture often when I speak with him. Then why do I call? same reason why he called me I guess, he's available, had no job and can pick up. 

Lonineless, its a disease? Zari said to call her when I feel it. I've called Jane and sent text. Her phone always goes to voicemail. I should try it again. I have to accept that I am not part of her life anymore. When we talk, its like talking to someone from the past. She does not know my present. Friends get tired, I have realized. Her and Alaka. When you talk about your dreams to someone and its not happening fast enough (for them) they tend to be bitter towards you. That has been my experience. 

I like how charismatic I am. I did not recognize how barber guy was so shy. He acted like a cat. He scurried away, and went into his space in the barbershop. He came to me, interacted with me, asked me out but he acts SO WEIRD. it's hard to read him. I'm glad I don't have to anymore. I'm glad I won't see him anymore. 

Space is so interesting. People take you for granted when you are there. Then when you are gone they act like where you gonna go? they had 2 years to make an introduction. They had 2 years to make an impact. No one tried, and I'm glad they didn't. It was a lot of work. it was a lot of patience and endurance out for me.

Yesterday, Lord I thought of how foreign English was. And now its the language I speak and think is. I was thinking I've been here 30 years and 10 in my own country. I wonder how far I've gotten from my roots. Then I thought of my personal truth, I am a combination of all the experiences, of all the people I have met and the person that has made the biggest impact on me is Tia Margot and God. 

I am a completely different person, sure I was always naturally kind and giving. Born that way I guess. But God and MIami, wow how you turned me upside down. I no longer relate to certain things. Part of me still wants to chase people who do not deserve it. I hope Lord that you eradicate that away from my soul. 

Being in the library reminds me of the nerd part of me, the reading part of me, the poet part of me and reminds me hof how I want to be a writer. 

God! I want to do so many things! One at a time is my motto. Mostly say that to myself so that I focus on the task at hand. 

Today I wanted to study. My fingers and thoughts are somewhere else. Its 12:33am time to eat something. I really want water. Maybe go to Target and get that water bottle. I don't think I have ADHD. when I saw Christelle Michelle say she was autistic, I related to things she said. I don't need a human being to manage my life thought, I've always managed things myself. Maybe that's why when I speak its basically a big to do list. There's always task and things to do. 

I do feel pressure though, like I cant be at peace until I do the things I'm thinking of. Tia Margot said this to me. I remember. Right now I have water. and I don't have $40 to print all the pages. There is nothing I me that wants to stay here until 5pm. I rather be home, to be honest with you.

Part of me wants to take a nap. I saw myself in the mirror and I thought, wow I am naturally pretty. NO makeup, i'm 40 people still think I"m in my 20s. Part of my charm, I guess, to not look like what I have been through. 

Okay, let's rally the troops. Let's get water, water bottle and deli food maybe? or go back home and microwavable something please.