What's it all about, Alfie?

 I sang that song all the time when Eva was a baby

I sang it because I thought, what is my life all about?

Before I thought life was about studying and getting the best grades.

by age 22, I realized that did not lead to success. 

spent my 20s in NY chasing sales and in NJ getting my education.

Learning about Jesus. going to the Bronx, the foundations of my faith.

I always say i'm good with money but I mean making a dollar stretch.

Ive never kept to that keep the 10 percent thing but that's mainly because I did not 

have consistent money to manage after BOA firing of 2012. I had no idea the despair that waited for me.

God said new Burnsiwkc, I went to new Burnsiwkc. came back with a baby. oh the shame.

then it's been shame for a decade now. deliverance happened this year, what a highlight.

I said God healed me no one cared to hear the story or the next sentence.

Josh kept trying to tell me the story but mornings is horrible for me. One time we walked to the bus stop

and he said I cut him off 3 times and he resorted to a game. I was very frustrated because I did want to listen, but maybe I am not able to? 

it made me feel like people don't have enough grace for me. but he did something no one has done before, he told me truth, he faced it head on. part of me couldn't take it.

I don't know what's next for me. its a new world. I hope I don't end up on the streets. I hope I can conquer this class and these schedules in front of me. God you know i'm doing my best. 

I am under so much pressure. You said I will succeed. I have to put in the time. everytime I study or try time passes. its been more sleeping and resting than studying. I have been putting my grief into my shows. seeing other people happy makes me forget how sad my life is.

and its not sad. its not that bad. its not that great either.

I am excited to be in new York, to wake up here. the realities are blurry. in the movie the roofman he said that its easy to get through anything if you tell your brain a good enough story. or picture a place you want to be. I feel like I've been telling myself a story of hop all these years, it made it easier to get through the rough times.

I feel like I encourage Jaquan and don't know if he's receptive. when I speak he has nothing to add. no depth there. what to do? keep expecting depth out of a non deep person? I don't know. sometimes i'm so good at solving other people's problem but not my own.

Christete Michelle, one of my favorite artist came out as autistic. her autism looks different. I so got her on different things she said. the fear to be oneself, feeling like everything is going to fall apart if you do the idea in your head. 

I have been criticized for moving around. the secret is, they don't know how much more moving around I want to do. I let go of the expectation of having a place. maybe it wasn't in the cards for me. seeing an ideal that my life just didn't look like was horribly upsetting. changing the ideal made it more bearable. 

of course I want a house. I like real estate, a lot. in my vision, I have multiple homes in different places. like Oscar de la Olla. that's the way to do it. 

My reality is so different than the possibilities I see in my mind. I see me married, with a family. I see me traveling, speaking on stages, I think God said. to be honest, I've been asking God about my future for a long time. everything I took control and got the job and the opportunity and the instability that keeps chasing me like cancer. no matter how much I run it catches me.

I met this girl in Philly she said poverty is like a curse. I wonder. was I cursed then? my whole family? I remember when my cousin kept saying he had a place I said you haved roomates though. and he said yes. one time I said i'm homeless. he couldn't meet me there. I guess its better to pretend that I didn't say what I said. 

support ain't coming. I needed help. help is coming from ny city, I guess this is where we'll stay. I have to pass 3 tests then get a job. climb that mountain. where the job will land, what place is next. I don't know my future, man, I just know what God said. and I believe it no matter what happens to me. yes, its a fact. I am positive and I keep going. I am resilient. I am things I never wanted to be.

I guess I wanted to be a kept woman. all the books I read made it seem like you just had to wait until a guy picked you and they made all the decisions after that. I was in DR, I was taken to USA. I hated that decision. I realized once, most of my decisions were made for made. that's when I wanted out. out of NJ, out of this area. make a decision that came from my head. 

the resources were low. I went there, to GA. it was a wild adventure. no jobs out there.oh Lord how I loved Miami. seeing the sunrise, the times I saw them, they took my breath out each time.

Oh, how sweet my boy is. I wonder so many things but i'm glad we made it so far. sometimes life feels so fragile, like that person that was stranded at sea over 72 days. he was just holding on to a little piece of wood. just him and that wood against that whole ocean. no idea of what's next.

but theres's something in the human spirit. I felt it when I was outside. something that lingers for more. brokenness and things we have to fix. money has always been an obstacle. sometimes surviving is the goal. I don't undertsan why people don't help . but I have to accept that this is the way it goes. 

part of me wants to be taken care of, not every cent be my responsability. yes I know I have been dealt a bad hand. I saw a place were people live in a building with no furniture. how did they keep their kids? and they had to pay rent in a part of town that always flooded. and they did everything with a smile. I was sad to see that. but happy to see their smile. I thought, I don't live that life.

comparison is a silly thing. ther'es always someone doing worse, always someone doing better. I want to see my friends do good. I hate pity from people if i'm doing bad. they see me in the pit and think I cant make my way out. I hate that lack of faith, in my ability and in God.

its hard when its God himself that puts you in the pit, allows things to happen to you to develop you. but no one likes talking about that. the things I've survived, it has changed me. I have to follow the leader inside me, who wants better. I don't know why but this stability of having a place to sleep. It's allowing everything in me to fall apart. i'm like that Miranda sisters, once she was out of jail she couldn't hold herself together. 

I keep sleeping a lot or being in class not understand or doing so many errands to set up this new life. that its hard to focus. now I see how there are obstacles and circumstances that don't allow for one to do their best. if I can do, please Lord let me do it. Please guide me, I beg you. I am doing my best, and I am coming short. I am so scared of failing, not just me but Alex and you. maybe i'm putting to much pressure on myself. I've just never been this bad at being a student. reading the book is like reading another language Lord. you know I can teach and stuff. this stuff is going over my head. i'm trusting you, you told me to study this. i'm trusting in you< Lord.

I relate so much to the roof man. its like you see all these people living these regular lives. and you try so hard to be like them, but shit that happen to you is just not like how it happens to them. you are different. you r interests are different. you see things people miss. he just thought he had to steal to win. I know better. I didn't cheat or steal. Bueno, there was that one sandwich. I never felt so guilty in my life. 

I still don't know what its all about. but I know somehow, with a little piece of wood in my case, its fight. I have been there for my son. I have held the faith. I have cooked for him, taken care of him, and he has thrived. people feel bad for me but do absolutely nothing. Like Sasholina says, its not for them to do it.

I tear up with thoughts of seeing her again. I would love that. I miss her a lot.