What I want

Reading nook, a whole reading area.

a wall to wall bookcase, all white, kind of comes with the house

Ceiling to floor long white shelves for books. and sitting and comfy area to read.

I want a bike trail right outside the house.

I want acres of land in my backyard. that I can walk and be with nature. like hey I don't have to go to a park or some crazy trail. i already have a bike trail in my house. I can wake up early and go for a ride. also a walking area (or within 10 minutes of a walking area)

I want peace, love, comfort at home.

I need a separate bath. a hot sauna like, bath just for me. and no, it is not part of the bathroom. in its own Section of the house. Just for me, Mami.

and I want the space by it like Ellie Ross or the mom in blackish had it.  

Not above her. but right by the head there was all this space for the products.

I want a thing like Will Smith's wife has. her skin regimen, I want all of it. I want to exfoliate my skin like that. No wonder she has amazing skin. She cleans out her pores! Makes sense now. 

What else? I want to learn how to make Thailand food. and fried seasoned chicken and that crazy mac and cheese.

I want a dance, stage room. when I can put music and dance. That room is just for having fun.

I want a home studio where I can record and make content and write. All in the same room. have an idea, then be able to go and record it, make it happen, etc.

I don't want people in my house. like cleaners, cook etc. I want privacy.  I want to be able to walk around naked because no one is around.

I want a husband, of course. someone to buy and cuddle with at night.

I want a daughter, of course.

God has said something about pastor, and lawyer thing. cpa/lawyer dual program. I want to educate myself to advice the wealthiest people in the world pay and avoid taxes. Like an international thing. I want to be an expert in this. 

I am interested, the way I found out about it by going anti-money laundering. 

This is the best time to get funding. get funding, invest, buy real estate, create value, put tenants in there, before it all blows up. 

Apparently more money is being printed. meaning only things with value will remain. at least a correction just means if you bought and it was overleveraged you will get exposes. 

I like the wealth squad. $25 a month to access for information. once or twice a week he would bring someone on. I never had time to listen to it. i was a part of too many other things.

He was like. an example. and he marketed himself online. he showed us everything. even when he rode bikes and worked out everyday. it makes you feel like you know him.

It's very personal. right now I'm hiding behind quotes I realize. I don't like the way my teeth are. and i don't like my nose sometimes. I just don't look like those Instagram models with the small features. small noses and big boobs. I am not showing my boobs online. and I already lost a friend when i posted a pic. posted my first pic since summer and Jonathan said can I be his wife. later on he apologized and said it was inappropriate.

Marvin asked me for pictures after all this time. that's what he wanted. pictures. like I am his personal look book.  What do men get out of these things? and why do I have to be a casualty?

Cut them all off. no need for them. starve them, like that Pastor said. starve those things, then there is no more energy for them. that pastor is good. and he talks about good stuff.

I'll log on when I can. I have the 7 o clock thing. 

I am not interested in doing the thing for the accountant. I never saw it as something that makes money. and when i stayed up all night in savannah. I thought to give my son to my mom and go to Pennsylvania for a week. lets be honest I don't have money for that. 

Just them putting them in an excel sheet is so time consuming. and I already gave him a solution. will he implement it? and he has broken his word with me 3 times. Yes I have been sick but somehow getting better.

The surviving vegan thing, I think its a process. she was mental hospital too. but she has no shame attached to it. and she didn't make a show about it. but everyone has different journeys.

No energy. Marvin he didn't show up and gave his word. I confirmed multiple times. to go to my event, it was network marketing. he said we would move in. again, gave his word we came to an agreement. then he ghosted. I did all the work. he said he could show up. and never did and disappeared. I cut him off we haven't talked in 2 years. He comes back and I reach out to tell him update on the the Angel thing. he disrespects me. mad that I googled something. a little controlling much? reminds me of the way my sister was mad at how slow I was putting on nail polish. literally.

Marvin you were there when my mom was driving me nuts and I was homeless for a year in NJ. you did nothing. you had an opportunity to be there for me, in the lowest moment of my life. I had a kid. you probably wanted to talk and go out and we talked and went out and now that I was a parent we shared our squabbles with the baby momma and all of that. then after a year you claim you like me I try to like you and you started showing up and taking me to restaurants. doing all the things. I felt liked. and I liked back. but i was confused really. my feelings are not reliable it turns out. you can like someone because they treat you nice or show up. just like with James. I get into this fantasy football league. expect it's like a high and it feels great. it feels good when your life is like shit to go and escape for a night with someone else.

But you were not my destiny. I said it years ago when you stepped to me and tried to kiss me. I said you are not the one. if you are not the one then who are you? I was your friend I liked your grind. I like that you like weird business stuff. I don't like the way you disrespected me. also you have problems with lots of things. I am always there helping and lending a hand. my happiness and looseness about life is not to be confused with lack of intellect. you, you want admiration of a person that is superior.

I talked about my experience at the bank and you took it as a personal attack and said you are familiar with bank laws. so that makes it right for your to lash out at me? I am very good at writing and communication. you are not. you said something was illegal. I said its illegal? You ignored the question like 5 times. I look it up and said its not illegal its laws that have to be adhered to and you called me some term you came up, and dissed the way I went to Google, which is how all the words has been conditioned to search the internet. you diss me and call me whatever you called me.

Then the other day you said you need a picture. you have a girl. why are you asking another girl for a picture? this makes no sense to me. I come back with, send me a picture of your girl. and you did and she was beautiful. remember I said don't fuck it up? great, well this is a way that you are fucking it up.

I made you a friend because you had that hussle. but you don't contribute. you were in my life when I was broke and about to go homeless you gave me advice but not money. one time you came and brought me groceries.

Neo Davis has been like a brother not me because he's done more for my life than anyone I knew. he showed me how to go out here and make my own money. my own brother has looked down on me, ignored me, and goes outside when I come inside in family gatherings. then they wonder why I don't want to come. i am not appreciated here. I am an additional cast member to your party. you just want people to show up. i am there, and no one talks to me. and then the guy comes up to me and says maybe because my son doesn't have a dad maybe that's why he's acting this way.

Fuck you. you wanted to show me pictures of your family that you visited. I didn't care. you made fun of us because dad is not in our lives. i have nothing to say to you.

Forgive forgive forgive. people are not aware of sensitivities.

You do so much and no one cares. even mom she cries at Alex and ignores me, I have to give her a hug.

What is the point here?