Late at night

Anyways so I wanted to talk to someone about it.

I was angry. I wanted to say this is bullshit!!!

and another trigger I have no one to call. I used to talk to Jane but now we just a more distant friendship now. I always felt like I was putting too much on her.

Overall, I'm always too much or not enough. never the right size, like Alice.

I was mad for years that my mother was not my aunt. Because I was used to my aunt. is that what happened with my cousin, was he angry because I was the person that I was dealing with and not his mom? something to think about.

but my anger never dissuades. it keeps boiling over.

I was okay with my aunt dying. I said there's nothing I can do. I'm in Georgia I don't have money to fly in. the way my life goes. I live in my head and I write ideas and I believe that my life can change and all the things that God told me would come true.

I remember when Nasean said if it's because I went to the mental hospital that I believed that god told me who my husband was going to be. he used what I told him about me against me.

I can run all the way towards the ends of the earth. Can I love the part of myself that are mad? that are sad, that are depressed, suicidal? The brokenness of human scum that I have experienced? Can I expect another human to have compassion for me that I won't have for myself.

No one can tell when I'm doing bad. I just want to be left alone. are you okay? hate that fucking question. are you expecting me to fall apart?

People will always show you who they are when you don't give them what they want. 

Sacred space and all the songs India Arie writes its like she's met love, the person and she's telling us how he/she is. and it sounds amazing and I know for a fact that I have not experienced anything like that.

I cried my heart out, in the bottom of the church floor. I felt like God took up my heart and put it back in  my body. other times I felt like I went to heaven for a moment. it was amazing. then I went back to my body. 

some people get addicted to the high of the Holy Spirit. 

I said no and  said some bullshit.(?)

 One thing I don't respect is fakeness and fake shit. "I was going to come in" Dwayne says.  I said so come in, and open the door. He replies: oh I have my car running. duh, I hear it. then why pretend? why say it?

Fuck out of here, I knew that shit. I heard that shit. so why the fuck say that.

and what's up with all these pop ups? when you are in pain like I was I want to be left alone. they came for a bible study. I got dressed and went and my son was there. and there are the smiles, the awkwardness. I felt the earnestness of them not wanting me to speak in tongues. it was all because 'somebody' said the tongues really meant something a devil was talking through someone.

thats the whole doctrine. someone said (who? who said this? and why has it been repeated and everyone believes it?).someone said it, so don't do it. we look at the scriptures and we see something different. 

Everyone has different experiences. again, I am not enough. I have to change everything about myself. and change I did. and broke I was. and the old man from McDonalds that asked me to marry him every time I see him. makes me feel worthless.

I felt like a queen who stepped out for a day and is getting treated horrible by people that don't know who I am. I deserve some respect. My intellect, more concern. my safety. the guy said he would like to carry my groceries. he got a lot of info. where I live. Where I lived and where I am going. 

It's just the way I am. I am honest. Too honest you can say. My family they close things up in a little closet inside themselves and they are angry about it for years, but still not talking about it. 

I can lie to everyone but I can't lie to myself. I wanted to talk to someone about a problem. and I have nobody to call. 

I am learning to be alone.  And it's hard. for real.