Early Morning Thoughts

My 1 vacation I visited you.

You've been to 5 vacations this past year or 6 months idk.  You haven't visited me one.

I am learning about consumer patterns.

People say they miss you but won't visit you.

Alaka used to get mad because he wanted people to visit him.  What he didn't realize is, what pastor said. to be a friend you have to be a friend.

I talked to pastor and he rushed me off the phone. The lesson was, my new season requires new people. no one from my past is coming with me. 

I got on a zoom, the girl didn't speak to me. I didn't see her daughter that I used to dance with on Sundays. the guy talks about his mother dying and he keeps talking about this couple and how amazing they are. then he says I can meet them. I miss the appointment. he doesn't follow up. same with Nathan, I said let's talk in 6 months. he wasn't interested. they are running. they don't want to look back.

I told them my story. they said wow. be an agent. I wanted appreciation for everything I did. instead of falling asleep next to my son, I got on this call. where the lady bulldozed herself and the goals and how many you got and if you are new, go and get licensed. they were on a sleigh train. my sponsor had no intention of giving any time to the business. he got on a call one time and then never again. I was handed off to Nathan, who I didn't know but we did an introductory call.

I felt loyalty to the guy and wanted to do it because of him. savior syndrome the same way I was doing all this stuff for free for this company. calling it an internship. When I went to the college the guy saw right through it. He said a person will call someone a PR person but only have them pick up the phone. I was swept away by the title and he was right. I had no idea what a PR person was. I promoted the event and got people to come. it was so vulnerable having my own event. you have no idea who is going to show up for you. 

Suyapa years ago, said we don't see you. but that was normal. the only time Cesar asked me to go out was to bring people to his parties and he wanted me to drink and lied and put liquor in the orange juice. i said I don't drink. He said I rather drink with him than with someone else. I said I don't drink. why do people not listen?

Lindita came over with the wine coolers. and we had a good night and the drink was blue. and everytime I look at the wine coolers I think of the one time I drank. we stayed in, she kind of told me to go ahead and its a wine cooler its not as alcoholic as alcohol is. That its harmless. and we had fun and we talked. I remember one time i looked through her phone and I was shocked ow little bit of numbers she had.

I have lots of numbers but when something goes down, I have no one to call. except god. after every relationship i said okay, God its back to me and you. I wasn't happy about it. James coming into my life i thought was going to bring some good food like that spoon he fed me. and dirtbike riding like he said he did. and definitely more resources. but it didn't. he just wanted sex and he kept trying to have me sleep over, with my kid. coming and bending and it was more work.  I had to keep driving to the school to drop off Alex and go do a shift at McDonalds now i had to go drive to his place. he never gave me time. he gave it all to work because he wanted money. and he gave me absolutely none of it. one day he shows up with a new phone. and later on i thought about it, when did he get that phone? if i had given him a ride from work to his house. 

And he said his whole family was over to meet me, like the second time we hang out. i left. then afterwards i looked back and i thought. were there any cars inthe drive? why am i so believing? i live as if lies don't exists. 

I'm a poet. I struggle to make sure I use the right words. and once i say im' going to do something i do everything in my power to do it.

Dwayne didn't keep his word about doing the song. and the church was one more place where i did not get to use my gifts. the great thing about leaving is you are not giving anyone a chance to disappoint you.

I am tired as I always have. I wasn't accepted since the beginning. they let me do laundry in their house and come over for meals. I would talk about my family. i would listen. i was lonely. 

I've had to learn how to be alone. I joined 2 churches. went to a cult one. 

There was all this pressure for Alex not to be Alex. for him not to run and stay still. I felt like it was my job to make him socially blendable, less himself. more adult like, like that kid that had that single mother and he didn't even act like a kid. everything was, yes mam and no mam. and he wore suits and ties and he was unsure of himself when he talked. i wanted to give him an opportunity to speak.

I gave 3 gifts to 3 different ladies. I taught them how to sing in the choir. They didn't do their part. they didn't practice or follow through. I showed up and I was happy to do it. it was so different to not be the singer but teach others how to do it, and what to practice. 

When I left, no one came to my house or called. Tia one time said every time she saw Ms. Pearl she said to tell me to contact her. I had lost my job. Lost my internet. Behind on light bill. then lost my car. then couldn't afford the new phone I needed to get as mine didn't work well now. 

I was so angry because all my goals seemed far away and I tried so hard to get a job out here in this desert of opportunities called Jesup. The only thing Jesup wanted was for me to clean tables. and I cleaned them. until I couldn't anymore.  They had me clean the poo poo water. I said, I am done. Someone had texted me and said they were going to come to my house and beat me up. they knew I had a son and they recognized my car, I lived 5 minute drive away. I dropped a girl off in her house once. I thought, maybe that's the leak. and I gave her my number to. she never called. and I'm glad. we had nothing in common.