You like presence

 I like conversation, deepness, intimacy.


You were in a disarray. You asked me for help, probably because we bumped into each other once again.


I don't know what to make of all of this.When I gave you a hug, the way you dropped into my arms. 


Wow. 


But you are not the type that talks and texts. We did a whole text conversation, how did I know, I read it today. Then you quickly wanted to meet up in person. Now I get all the meet up in person thing.


You are a person that likes presence, real life around you presence. I am a single mother. I am used to not being able to be around my friends. Most of my friends are across the country, the few of them that are left. 


I have wanted male presence my whole life. You live so close. I am not allowed visitors. I am scared to make you a part of my routine and I lose myself. 


I am afraid to give up a once a month Saturday. For you it's nothing, but for me I am so in need to study and catch up with my class. I am doing everything one step at a time.


Chat said I can't make you responsible for closing this open wound that I have. Being vulnerable around you, being open, asking you if I am safe. The little girl in me stepped out. You bring this side out of me.


I am always wearing a hard shell of an exterior. I am the one that knows the way. I am so used to being self sufficient. Yes, I wish I had a dad. Doesn't everyone? 


But am I in a place where I can be around a guy and not give him everything I have? My boundaries are blurry when I feel the validation that being around you provides. I am aware of my weaknesses, I think you are learning the patterns too. 


It's so hard when you are in front of me and you want me. Why is it so hard to say no? You have offered yourself twice. I didn't give in to that. But giving to you feels more comfortable, maybe like I am more in control. 


I wonder if you have a girl. My whole body is trying to see if there's any manipulation going on. I didn't know the Miami dating affected me so. But it made me want to go back inside. 

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